Posted by susan47 on December 22, 2007, at 8:04:19
In reply to because it's True Damn it. » susan47, posted by Toph on December 19, 2007, at 11:56:29
Well, now.
Surprise.
I feel Over ... all done, and what a relief. I forgave myself somehow when I realized what a stuck person my therapist is. I forgave myself when I went into meditation, somehow, and I forgave myself when I spoke with a very true and trusted and wise friend, someone who knows things most of us wouldn't understand.
Hey.
Toph.
Guess what? I went into a daily drug addiction program last year. Which made me more depressed about myself, even though I managed to stay off mj for three months, I was still the same, the very same emotional wreck that I was going into the program as I was coming out. Which is why I went back to smoking.
But now things are really truly healing, through all the support I found myself, I found it Alone, I went out there and said f*ck it, I will NOT kill myself because no matter what a f*ck-up I am, my kids and all the people who knew me would truly be devastated, because they somehow don't always see the same f*ck-up of a person I felt. And their lives would be harder somehow, because of the pain I put them through. So I can't do that, somehow I cannot bring myself to do that and still, I take my vitamins and care for myself because I really don't want to be decrepit, so there is something there. Some life force that says no, you have to Stick With It and even if you need the mj right now, if that is what it takes to stop you from killing yourself, then you will give it up when the time is right, I Trust myself. I quite for 90 days, I can quit for 100, or 101, or whatever I want to.
So I realize now, that the addiction program I was on and All addiction programs, will do nothing to get to the root of the problem unless they reveal and heal the Pain that caused it. because I don't give a sh*t what anyone says, addiction is more than genes. Addiction equals Pain, and unless that pain is healed, the addiction will be a struggle .. no struggle if you give in either, that's when the pain has won. So my pain never did win. It just seemed to, for a long time.
I hope this makes sense.
Thanks if you read it.
Hey, Toph. Merry Christmas. I hope you bring all your loved ones and friends around you and celebrate their being in your life. MMMMMWAH. xoxoxox
poster:susan47
thread:801126
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20070425/msgs/802033.html