Posted by Toph on December 17, 2007, at 13:01:29
In reply to Re: A Statement, A Mission, A Purpose, posted by susan47 on December 16, 2007, at 20:43:45
I am incompetent at giving sage advice that would magically end your suffering Susan. And no one has been where you have been though we have felt what you have felt. Maybe I shared this story with you years ago, but your anguish conjures up these memories. I am reminded of that night when I discovered my wife, the mother of my 5-year old son and 2-year old daughter, was sleeping with another man - when she was not just tired of me, but rather had stopped loving me, completely and irretrieviably stopped, dead. I remember having to leave my children, my home, our home, because it was foolish to think that I could get custody having been hospitalized several times with mania. I feel that pain, the sense of failure, the shame, the contempt, the rage. But I survived, my kids survived with wounds more superficial than I had feared. They even came to live with me when it became their choice at 13. I harbored fantasies about reconciling for years with this woman. I learned that it was not because I loved her so much but because I somehow thought I could erase those painful memories if we were a family again. She means almost nothing to me now. We're cordial when we see each other infrequently. But in dark moments when I think of what might have been had I only not been sick, been nicer, made more money, dressed better, whatever, I feel the hurt, the anger, the rejection, the guilt. Some fires never go out.
poster:Toph
thread:801126
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20070425/msgs/801299.html