Posted by susan47 on December 18, 2007, at 22:59:14
In reply to Re: the Journey » susan47, posted by Toph on December 17, 2007, at 13:01:29
"But in dark moments when I think of what might have been had I only not been sick, been nicer, made more money, dressed better, whatever, I feel the hurt, the anger, the rejection, the guilt. Some fires never go out."
This is true, Toph, or it seems so. This is the feeling of regret I get that makes me want to die, want to escape the pain of what i've done with my life, which is fricking nothing, it feels like nothing, when i was given so much opportunity when i was born, i know it was there I know i came into this world with gifts, and they were all torn away from me because i was too stressed with trying to live in a world that hated me, my own family just Hated me. You have no idea, no one who hasn't lived that has any idea what that might be like. How it can affect someone.
Sorry to change this and make it about me, but it has to come out. The feelings of hatred i had, and the feelings of guilt about being german when most north americans hated germans after the war ... having to live through that as a kid, have it coming at me on top of my own family's anger expressed towards us, was unbelievable unless you've been there. Lots of kids have been there. Lots of people walking around are hurt and scarred, and it makes me so angry that the people that don't have that hurt against them, judge those of us who do, and have tried to do the best we could, knowing that it wasn't good enough even for ourselves.
Who am I speaking for? Who am I speaking about? Who is this "we"? I feel really alone in this, but I know somewhere in this world, everywhere really, there are people who couldn't deal with this, whose minds weren't strong enough to fight back against all the prejudice against them, and they crumbled, and I know I've crumbled in the past, all my life my entire Life I have crumbled, and I don't want to do that anymore.
We choose people who do this to us in our adult lives, we choose to be around people so we can play those themes back and change the story. But it's fake, it's false, it isn't real. The only thing stopping us is our wrong sense of reality, that we really Are smart, and strong, and wealthy beyond measure in our hearts and souls, we Are Not Sick, we are not unsuccessful, we are not flawed .. what we are, Toph, is extremely sensitive people being subjected to too much stress, having been subjected to that from so young an age and taking it all onto ourselves, the little sponges that we were, we continued to be.
I don't know about you, but I couldn't even read a sentence straight in a book and completely understand it .. can you imagine, I have read hundreds of books in my life and really deeply grasped very little of any of them, for years I read without comprehending properly. I don't know how I managed to get even through Grade 12. I know it shows, I know my lack of education has stopped me, but more than that the Reason for that lack of education, is the fundamental belief I always had that I wasn't good enough. Drilled into me, darling, drilled.
Drill me, baby.
F*ck you.
Not you, Toph. Not you. The horrible people who Don't Understand. Them. F*ck them.
poster:susan47
thread:801126
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20070425/msgs/801524.html