![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on July 31, 2006, at 23:28:29
Yes, yes, oh yes.
No you see, you did not see.
You saw nothing.
Nada.
Equipment failure.
Working to restore ...
Hah.
Restore.
Restore what?
What is there, to restore?
What was there ever,
what kind of a f*cked-up
human being, an ape without the hair
Oh yes,
Equipment trouble.
Equipment failure.
Trouble. Failure.
Trouble Failure
troublefailureThe train,
it's rushing past at a hundred miles an hour,
a hundred thousand f*cking miles an hour
and I cannot stop it,
I cannot stop
because God damn it
there is equipment failure
in the caboose,
the caboose is coming loose,
we have a loose caboose ladies and gentlemen,
a loose
caboose.Whew.
What a mouthful.
What a retching numbing mouthful of nothing.
Nada.
Nothing.
I have nothing for you, here.
There is nothing left
there is nothing
Nothing
Nothing
I am nothing.
I always was nothing.
Soon there will be
nothing left
but the sound of my
daughter's voice, God she has a beautiful voice ...
saying Good-night,
I love you Mommy.
Posted by susan47 on July 31, 2006, at 23:31:59
In reply to Oh So F*cked Up, posted by susan47 on July 31, 2006, at 23:28:29
AND WHAT THE F*CKING HELL DOES IT ALL MEAN??????
Posted by Paul1000 on August 1, 2006, at 10:45:40
In reply to Re: Oh So F*cked Up, posted by susan47 on July 31, 2006, at 23:31:59
This connects to me. I feel this way when I'm depressed -- can't collect my thoughts, feels like I can't function. Like you, my kids are one of the few things that can break through.
Posted by susan47 on August 1, 2006, at 23:12:04
In reply to Re: Oh So F*cked Up, posted by Paul1000 on August 1, 2006, at 10:45:40
It's so nice to have connections.
Posted by Estella on August 2, 2006, at 5:27:48
In reply to Wonderful, Paul » Paul1000, posted by susan47 on August 1, 2006, at 23:12:04
((((Susan))))
Posted by susan47 on August 2, 2006, at 12:46:36
In reply to Re: Wonderful, Paul » susan47, posted by Estella on August 2, 2006, at 5:27:48
I needed that hug. I needed that hug so much.
How really kind of you.
My daughter has told me I'm crazy. She really believes it, I think, and I think her father really thinks I'm a pathological nutcase, someone who can't let go of the past, someone who can't forgive .. and it isn't true.
One day I know my daughter may come here. I know she knows I come here. I made some terrible mistakes, in my life.
Awful, terrible mistakes.
She knows it. I don't want her to make them.
I was really f*cked up.
I am I guess, according to other people.. some other people.
Not everyone.
There are people who believe in me, there are people whose lives I improve, and that's a fact.
Even my ex- says I'm a good person.
And he is too.
But together, we were horrible, awful people.
It just hurts to be the only one admitting that. It always hurts.
I just don't know how many people
truly, really know honesty.
I hate myself, sometimes.
But not all the time.
Sometimes, there are little spots of sunshine.
My daughter is one of them.
My son is the other.
My eldest may be lost, forever, but I hope not.
Life hurts.
It hurts soooooo much.
Posted by Estella on August 2, 2006, at 19:18:05
In reply to Estella thanks » Estella, posted by susan47 on August 2, 2006, at 12:46:36
You are welcome.
> Life hurts.
> It hurts soooooo much.Yeah, I hear where you are coming from there. Sometimes... I feel the same way.
Therapy Susan. Really. Not with a guy. I think... I'm probably best not having therapy with a guy 'cause the transference can be pretty intense and most guys can't handle that. Yeah I have female issues... But I think I do better seeing a female t. Transference isn't so strong. Helps to talk through some of my feelings and stuff.
I think you are a wonderful person Susan. Alive. Vibrant. Full of life. I wish you could feel happier and have the wonderful fulfilling relationships you deserve.
I think it can be about... Learning to feel good in ones self. In ones own skin. Not for ones looks (which will fade) but just in ones self. If you can find some love and kindness and compassion for yourself then that will overflow to others. It can be hard. But feeling centred... Nobody else can give that to you and nobody else can take it away. I want you to be happy Susan. Because you are a wonderful person Susan. You have a lot of beauty on the inside. I wish I was as lively and as vibrant as you.
Posted by susan47 on August 3, 2006, at 23:57:18
In reply to Re: » susan47, posted by Estella on August 2, 2006, at 19:18:05
Hmm. Well, today I did see a counsellor, a social worker. Because I'd made some calls to my employee assistance blabbity-blah and they knew I was s------l. So, I did see a woman today. She was bright. She was compassionate. She understood things I didn't, and she told me what they were. She communicated to me so well, what had happened to my life in the last 12 years just took on new clarity, new levels of meaning and it was .. incredible.
I realized then, that the T I'd been seeing, hadn't helped do anything but (and it likely wasn't something he could've helped, he's just who he is, you know?) .. but he was just so completely lovely, such a caring, wonderful human person, I couldn't help (and who else, who knows him, wouldn't also see that) ... he couldn't do anything but make the transference more intense.
I don't know. I wish I could know somebody like that IRL, somebody I could really really love and totally accept even the bad stuff .. but see, I know he was imaginary, made up, all in my head, and I guess .. why am I talking this shite anyway?
The fact is, I feel hopeful for my future again, right now, right this moment, I feel like there might be some reason to wake up tomorrow morning.. I don't know. I just don't understand why Life has to hit me so Hard. Some people cope way better, some worse .. I don't know. It's the emotional stuff, I feel too intensely emotional, not very many people can understand that, or deal with it, or handle it without getting a bit angry and frustrated, or withdrawn. Withdrawn. See, I have withdrawn myself from life in order to protect my reputation. Hah.
In order to protect .. any friendships I might have.
F*ck.
F*ck it.
I cannot believe I could fall apart like this.
Posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 0:29:54
In reply to Re: » Estella, posted by susan47 on August 3, 2006, at 23:57:18
Oh Susan sweetie I think you are a wonderfully caring and bubbly and bright person. I enjoy chatting with you very much indeed. I did not realise... That you were feeling so bad... That things were that bad for you at the moment. I don't know if you are into hugs at all. But I wish I could spend some time with you. I'd give you a hug a nice accepting hug and we could go for a walk and you could blabbity blab away and I'd just enjoy listening to you. I'm sure you would make me laugh.
I'm glad you had a chat to someone IRL. And I'm super dooper glad that she was bright and compassionate and that you got something out of your conversation with her.
Can you see her again? Does she do councelling? Can you see her regularly? Because I get the impression that that would really help you. To be able to have a chat to someone about your life what has happened in your life what is happening in your life... And so have some compassionate understanding caring so that you can start to see some of the wonderful susan that I see.
> I realized then, that the T I'd been seeing, hadn't helped do anything but (and it likely wasn't something he could've helped, he's just who he is, you know?) ... he couldn't do anything but make the transference more intense.
Yes Susan I do know. I understand. I get that in fact. I know the specialist thought it was hard for me, destabilising for me to be working with p-docs for a couple months at a time and then they would move on... And yeah that was hard, there was some truth to that. But what was extra hard was that they were caring fatherly men. And transference... Well their leaving I guess that made the transference stronger too... The prospects of their leaving. My first meeting... I knew they didn't want to see me regularly. They saw people monthly to prescribe medication. I wanted them to see me weekly for therapy. So I'd do what I could to coax them into seeing me for therapy... Fortnightly sessions, a comprimise. But I did that. I coaxed them. I wanted them to see me as highly functional but with serious problems. I wanted them to want to see me. I wanted them to want to help me. It was a mess Susan, a mess. I do think that women are different... You don't have many female friends do you? I tend not to either. It is good for me to see a female t. Less transference. I get to learn that women can be wonderfully kind and compassionate and caring (probably f*cked up rather but I always associated that more with masculine traits because of my mother).
I just wanted to sit on their knee and throw my arms around their necks and hold on. And sometimes I'd get confused and think that I wanted to sleep with them. Don't leave me. Please. I'd never say that, any of that. Not in one million years of course. But that was what was going on on the inside. But put on a brave face and smile and they would feel better they would feel proud of me. Exchange myself for them disown my feelings for them the perpeptual victim was me. They were leaving before they arrived and seeing them was just repeating the trauma. And I wanted that... I wanted to do that. Over and over and over. Sure I wanted one to stay and work with me properly. But I knew they never cared for me the way I wanted (longing for the unobtainable I used to think that was my lot in life) and there is something seductive and comfortable about it... About cycling through that... Going through those patterns. About them being on the back foot to start with. Because they knew they were going to leave. They knew it would be an abandonment for me. They didn't want to work with me. They knew it would be bad for me. But I convinced them it would be worse for me without them. And I put on a brave face when they left. And round and round I'd go. And now I need to get off. It was hard Susan. Much easier and much better for me at the end of the day to work with females.
Posted by susan47 on August 4, 2006, at 1:01:31
In reply to Re: » susan47, posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 0:29:54
Well, yes .. and the work with females, did it resolve these issues with men? With, for example, the feeling of being unacceptable to them or laughable or unattractive or totally always being judged by them? Because that's just some of the feelings that came up in "therapy" - yes, let's all laugh a bit - yes, nobody called it therapy at the time .. oh man I am so hard on everybody.
Everybody.
Nobody gets away with it, except me. I am the only person I am not hard enough on.
Oh man.
I'm going around in circles, again ... but why are you putting so much energy into this, my God your answer was so intense and I thank you for it. For the intensity. For the understanding. But we haven't really chatted much at all.
I'm going to be going to see someone else, a team of psych and social worker I believe. A fast track thingie and I don't even care, anymore, and I honestly never thought this would ever happen, and all I can say is, hallelujah thank God it has finally happened, it has actually happened, that I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS, ANYMORE.
I don't care who knows I need help and I don't care how f*cked-up I seem, I probably am. And there's nothing I can do about that until someone else helps me. I can't do it. I never could. That has to be okay. That has to be okay. Listen Estella, I'm sorry to keep making this mine, to keep making this about me, to seem to be glossing over what you've written, but that's not the case. I'm just really upset, not doing well, alone and lonely and trying to not feel this bad.
Posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 3:10:13
In reply to Re: » Estella, posted by susan47 on August 4, 2006, at 1:01:31
> Well, yes .. and the work with females, did it resolve these issues with men?
Well... Therapy isn't just about that. Yeah I have issues around guys. But I also have issues around a whole heap of other stuff. Social anxiety and anxiety in general and not being as productive as I would like. I guess I'm focusing on that more immediate stuff at present. Then there is the stuff further back... There are the flashbacks there are the insecurities more generally there are the issues with feeling like the world would prefer not to have me in it. There are issues with the voices... Though... To be fair mostly I think I have that sorted fairly managably. Whatever I learn about dealing with other people I can apply to them too...
So progress is being made. But it is hard. And it is different. I guess the different theorietical orientation makes it a bit different too. The p-docs were more psychodynamic and so talking a bit about past stuff. Talking about stuff that... I can't really remember. Talking about my conception of the voices and stuff like that. Now... There is more focus on the present on the here and now. Trauma involves past ruminations yes but there are ways of strengthening your ability to not get caught in it. How much does processing it how much does talking about it help one move through and beyond it? Well... The jury is still out on that one.
> With, for example, the feeling of being unacceptable to them or laughable or unattractive or totally always being judged by them?
Is that just how you feel around men, or is it how you feel about people more generally?
> I am the only person I am not hard enough on.
I don't think being hard on yourself is likely to result in your feeling any better or likely to result in your doing anything better... Rather I think that being hard on yourself is likely to make things a whole heap worse. Sometimes... It is kindness that is the cure. Being kind to ourselves. Having other people around who are kind to us.
> But we haven't really chatted much at all.
Alex.
I'm glad you are going to get some help. You are doing okay you know. Sounds like reaching out for a little help is taking care of yourself. Sounds like you are doing what you need to take care of yourself about now. Sometimes... We need a little help. Sometimes... Everybody needs a little help. I don't think there is any shame in that. We are social animals. We are supposed to be social. We are supposed to be able to rely on others a little and have others who rely on us a little. Part of people being inter-dependent and inter-connected like we are inter-dependent and inter-connected with our greater environment. symbiotic relationships... homeostasis... my buzzwords for the week. emotions are... the body registering that one isn't in homeostasis... drives are... desires / urges / motivations to return to homeostasis. i do find peace sometimes...(((((((Susan))))))))
You are a beautiful person Susan...
Posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 5:43:37
In reply to Re: » susan47, posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 3:10:13
though not happiness or positive emotions i guess...
Posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 9:45:07
In reply to Re: » susan47, posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 3:10:13
> > Well, yes .. and the work with females, did it resolve these issues with men?
>
> Well... Therapy isn't just about that. Yeah I have issues around guys. But I also have issues around a whole heap of other stuff. Social anxiety and anxiety in general and not being as productive as I would like. I guess I'm focusing on that more immediate stuff at present. Then there is the stuff further back... There are the flashbacks there are the insecurities more generally there are the issues with feeling like the world would prefer not to have me in it. There are issues with the voices... Though... To be fair mostly I think I have that sorted fairly managably. Whatever I learn about dealing with other people I can apply to them too...
>
I don't have voices. I don't think. Sometimes when I'm talking, I sound different. But I know it's me. It's all me, I'm all in there. It's all good, as someone I knew once, would say. It's all good. I tell myself that. It works. I try and listen. I try and just listen. I used to call my ex-T who saw me as a real pain-in-the-patootie, I know he hated it but I did it anyway, and I let the voices talk, which are all really me. It was all me. It is all me. I'm so many different and disgusting and useless things all rolled up into a big ball of insecurity trying-to-be-normal. Seeing it clearly, I have to say I hate it. But on the other hand it's what makes me special too, it makes me myself I guess. I don't know. I don't see anything special about me, I suppose that's the problem. I want to be special. I really do. Maybe that's why I've started writing, a journal my first real one that has to do with real feelings and ideas and thoughts and words that might mean something someday, not just junk, garbage.. mind garbage. A lot of this stuff, this emotional crap I live, and I mean I really live it ... I was suicidal just two days ago, just two days ago I was in real trouble...and I don't want to be, anymore. I just want to stop hurting. I just want my pain to end. You know?
> So progress is being made. But it is hard. And it is different. I guess the different theorietical orientation makes it a bit different too. The p-docs were more psychodynamic and so talking a bit about past stuff. Talking about stuff that... I can't really remember. Talking about my conception of the voices and stuff like that. Now... There is more focus on the present on the here and now. Trauma involves past ruminations yes but there are ways of strengthening your ability to not get caught in it. How much does processing it how much does talking about it help one move through and beyond it? Well... The jury is still out on that one.
>
> > With, for example, the feeling of being unacceptable to them or laughable or unattractive or totally always being judged by them?
>
> Is that just how you feel around men, or is it how you feel about people more generally?
>
> > I am the only person I am not hard enough on.
>
> I don't think being hard on yourself is likely to result in your feeling any better or likely to result in your doing anything better... Rather I think that being hard on yourself is likely to make things a whole heap worse. Sometimes... It is kindness that is the cure. Being kind to ourselves. Having other people around who are kind to us.
>
> > But we haven't really chatted much at all.
>
> Alex.
>
> I'm glad you are going to get some help. You are doing okay you know. Sounds like reaching out for a little help is taking care of yourself. Sounds like you are doing what you need to take care of yourself about now. Sometimes... We need a little help. Sometimes... Everybody needs a little help. I don't think there is any shame in that. We are social animals. We are supposed to be social. We are supposed to be able to rely on others a little and have others who rely on us a little. Part of people being inter-dependent and inter-connected like we are inter-dependent and inter-connected with our greater environment. symbiotic relationships... homeostasis... my buzzwords for the week. emotions are... the body registering that one isn't in homeostasis... drives are... desires / urges / motivations to return to homeostasis. i do find peace sometimes...
>
> (((((((Susan))))))))
>
> You are a beautiful person Susan...
>
>
>
Posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 9:50:06
In reply to Re: » susan47, posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 3:10:13
> So progress is being made. But it is hard. And it is different. I guess the different theorietical orientation makes it a bit different too. The p-docs were more psychodynamic and so talking a bit about past stuff. Talking about stuff that... I can't really remember. Talking about my conception of the voices and stuff like that. Now... There is more focus on the present on the here and now. Trauma involves past ruminations yes but there are ways of strengthening your ability to not get caught in it. How much does processing it how much does talking about it help one move through and beyond it? Well... The jury is still out on that one.For me, when I saw this counsellor the other day, she was so intensely empathetic and had such insight, that I felt better right away. Cried on the way home a bit, but in essence felt a bit of strength, and compassion, for myself. Ew. Ack. Ah. So, for me it is about processing not just the deep past but the immediate past as well, and the present, how I'm affected in the now. Because my now, for the most part, is horrible. And I know that a child of mine is struggling with deep pain as well. He's getting therapy. I'm so happy, I pushed the idea on him until he realized it might be valid.. and now though watching his pain is going to be really hard. And I have to be open to it, and I have to let him know that somehow, I understand how deeply he hurts, and I understand my responsibility in it, and I would never repeat the past as it was, if I could do it over again, because he is an incredible person who deserved better. Then I would tell him that he can use the depth of his pain and experience, to love and understand life and help others.
I don't know. Life is just so hard sometimes. And lonely.
>
> > With, for example, the feeling of being unacceptable to them or laughable or unattractive or totally always being judged by them?
>
> Is that just how you feel around men, or is it how you feel about people more generally?
>
> > I am the only person I am not hard enough on.
>
> I don't think being hard on yourself is likely to result in your feeling any better or likely to result in your doing anything better... Rather I think that being hard on yourself is likely to make things a whole heap worse. Sometimes... It is kindness that is the cure. Being kind to ourselves. Having other people around who are kind to us.
>
> > But we haven't really chatted much at all.
>
> Alex.
>
> I'm glad you are going to get some help. You are doing okay you know. Sounds like reaching out for a little help is taking care of yourself. Sounds like you are doing what you need to take care of yourself about now. Sometimes... We need a little help. Sometimes... Everybody needs a little help. I don't think there is any shame in that. We are social animals. We are supposed to be social. We are supposed to be able to rely on others a little and have others who rely on us a little. Part of people being inter-dependent and inter-connected like we are inter-dependent and inter-connected with our greater environment. symbiotic relationships... homeostasis... my buzzwords for the week. emotions are... the body registering that one isn't in homeostasis... drives are... desires / urges / motivations to return to homeostasis. i do find peace sometimes...
>
> (((((((Susan))))))))
>
> You are a beautiful person Susan...
>
>
>
Posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 10:41:11
In reply to Re:, posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 9:45:07
> I don't have voices. I don't think. Sometimes when I'm talking, I sound different. But I know it's me. It's all me, I'm all in there.
I get voices in my head. One theory of voices is they are thoughts experienced as alien. As other. As not me. Another theory is that there is... Noise in the channel. Noise that is interpreted as voices. I don't know what I think. I don't think it matters. I am... My experience is... The product of my brain processes. The voices occur in my mental life hence the voices are a part of me. They don't feel like they are a part of me. But I know that they are because they occur in my mind. Though... The sense of 'in' is unclear. I am the subject of experience... I don't know what to say. Do they act through me? Sometimes. Sometimes they do. Screaming. I get screaming inside me. That one is hard to explain. Screaming like... Loud. Terror. I can feel it. My body responds like I am screaming. Not my mouth. I don't make a noise. But my stomach and throat etc clench up like I'm screaming. Feels involountary. And I hear the screaming in my head. Or in my throat. Or in my stomach. Hard to explain... And sometimes I hallucinate them... And sometimes they act through me. And sometimes... I miss time. Sometimes I'm very aware of this stuff... Other times... I think I'm making up stories. I think it isn't real. Happens mostly when I'm stressed I guess. Hard to know whether stress just makes me aware of them or whether stress brings them on. In a way... The distinction doesn't matter...
> I let the voices talk, which are all really me. It was all me. It is all me. I'm so many different and disgusting and useless things all rolled up into a big ball of insecurity trying-to-be-normal.
Thats how I feel on Babble... IRL... I guess I'm different things to different groups of people. And the diversity... Makes it hard. Here I thought I knew who I was and then something shifted. Only... I think I see a turning point when there wasn't really such a significant turning point. I'm probably idealising / misremembering how i used to be on Babble. I think... I am. Now I feel like... I'm this mess. This mess of moods maybe. Has it got worse after my moving? Yeah. I think so. But then... Moving was really very stressful for me. And social groups... New contacts. Hard for me so very hard for me...
> Seeing it clearly, I have to say I hate it. But on the other hand it's what makes me special too, it makes me myself I guess.
Yeah. And I'm this horrible mess too... And I wish aspects would be gone. 'Cause I don't like them very much. Sometimes I htink they are determined to ensure that others feel the same way...
> I don't know. I don't see anything special about me, I suppose that's the problem. I want to be special. I really do.
I think you are special. I think you are wonderful :-) You have these conversations with me :-)
> Maybe that's why I've started writing, a journal my first real one that has to do with real feelings and ideas and thoughts and words that might mean something someday, not just junk, garbage.. mind garbage. A lot of this stuff, this emotional crap I live, and I mean I really live it
Thats good Susan. Thats good thats real good. I'm too terrified to get a journal. Someone might find it... So... I post here. I don't comprehend how many people might read. I don't comprehend. But somehow it feels more removed. Safer. Less linked to me IRL. I don't know how to describe...
> ... I was suicidal just two days ago, just two days ago I was in real trouble...and I don't want to be, anymore. I just want to stop hurting. I just want my pain to end. You know?
Yeah I know. I do. That was all I wanted. The pain to end. To stop. To stop. I'm sorry you hurt so bad. Sometimes... You are happy. Sometimes you are. Happy to be alive. Death... Will come soon enough. When it is ready. I'm sorry sometimes life hurts so much, though. I'm sorry it hurts so much.
Posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 11:52:21
In reply to Re: » susan47, posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 10:41:11
> I get voices in my head. One theory of voices is they are thoughts experienced as alien. As other. As not me. Another theory is that there is... Noise in the channel. Noise that is interpreted as voices. I don't know what I think. I don't think it matters.
The screaming, that could be something meds could take care of, I don't know, do you know? The physical reaction sounds really distressing. That is unnecessary pain. Maybe it's psychic. Maybe it's physical. It feels like both. One after the other, now bound together, needing to be released. Something needs to be released, Estella.
The journal, it took this many years to trust that I could have a journal that I had something to say that I had something of value I might leave behind. So that is why the journal. Because I needed it, it got too much to bear, carrying the burden of myself, alone. There was no one to talk to anymore, you cannot burden friends with this, and quite frankly, friends feel like a burden when things are like this. When things are like this, there are no friends. There is only books, and brain, movies, and.. people. Why the people? Do you ever ask yourself Why Am I A People?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like, why the hell couldn't I have been a f*cking .. tree?
Posted by Estella on August 6, 2006, at 3:48:36
In reply to Re:, posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 11:52:21
> The screaming, that could be something meds could take care of, I don't know, do you know?
Been round and round with a variety of meds. Nothing really helps... I don't think... Even the chlorprom didn't help. Just made me... Care less. Feel less distress. Feel numb. As under a green sea I saw him... Drown. That is how I felt.
> Something needs to be released, Estella.
Yeah. Pain. That is how it feels. Apparantly the notion of emotional pain is... Metaphoric. I didn't know that. My emotions can be... Literally painful, literally painful. I don't think that is normal. People say emotions can cause pain when you tense up and give yourself a headache (for example). But emotions aren't pains (something can't cause itself). But I don't know. Not convinced. Sometimes my emotions are painful in themselves. I swear.
I remember my first admission... My very first admission. Nice lady asked if I was ok. I said it hurt. She said 'where does it hurt?' What a strange question... What a strange question... Where does phenomenal red reside? In the mind? Where the hell is that? Where is an emotion? Where was the pain? I didn't know what to say. Inside. I hurt. I hurt. Me. She looked at me strangely. Is this really hard to understand?
> There was no one to talk to anymore, you cannot burden friends with this, and quite frankly, friends feel like a burden when things are like this. When things are like this, there are no friends.
Yes, I understand. And... Councellors. In theory. In theory. But if the theory is right then... Why doesn't my councellor want to hear any of this? Distaste... That is what I detect... Distaste. Maybe she thinks no good will come of it. Maybe she is right. Maybe I am putting thoughts in my head. One of my careworkers used to say that 'you are putting thoughts in my head alexandra_k stoppit' and she would do the Rikki Lake hand thing. She meant I was attributing my thoughts my fears to her. I need to talk to my t and figure out where we are at. What she envisages (I'm scared she is envisaging reduced sessions and termination). I'm pretty sure that is it. I don't like that :-( I need to let her know. We don't like it :-(
> Do you ever ask yourself Why Am I A People?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like, why the hell couldn't I have been a f*cking .. tree?
Yes. Why am I me and not you? Why am I me and not... Another person? A happy person who was cared for? Why is there anything that it is like to be me at all? Why did I have to exist? Why this body?
Philosophy doesn't help.
Some things are brute.
'Where an answer cannot be given there a question cannot be asked'
'Whereof one cannot speak thereof one must be silent'
which is similar to verificationism:
the meaning of its statement is in its method of verification
How to verify those problems... How to give them meaning...
They would agree with w about the pseudo-nonsense.
But how come...
How come...
It seems to be a legitimate question to me too???I don't know why Susan.
Nobody does.
There is nothing that can be said.
It is just brute.
That is the way it is.
Explanation has to stop somewhere and there my spade is turned w.I'm sorry
Posted by susan47 on August 6, 2006, at 11:58:49
In reply to Re:, posted by Estella on August 6, 2006, at 3:48:36
THis concept of physical pain being attached to emotional pain is very true. I don't think you understand how completely normal you really are. Why are trying to make yourself so different? Sorry Estella that's just a thought that popped into my head. But I think it's realistic sweetie, honey ... I think it might be realistic. To look at how we're all the same, not different. We are. So many people make themselves physically ill, kill themselves, with diseases they could avoid if they were healed emotionally, psychically. You're no different than any of us. Than any of us. And we rock, baby. We rock. We Rock. Estella remember that.
> I remember my first admission... My very first admission. Nice lady asked if I was ok. I said it hurt. She said 'where does it hurt?' What a strange question... What a strange question... Where does phenomenal red reside? In the mind?
Yes. Why didn't you tell her where it hurt? If it was your soul that hurts, if it's your mind that hurts, if it's your psyche that hurts, why didn't you tell her that? Why are you questioning her question? Were you paying real attention? Where did the psyche hit your body?
Where the hell is that? Where is an emotion? Where was the pain? I didn't know what to say. Inside. I hurt. I hurt. Me. She looked at me strangely. Is this really hard to understand?
>
Well, I'm dying to know what you actually said to her.
I'm sorry Estella, today I'm Mean.
Posted by susan47 on September 16, 2006, at 2:09:31
In reply to Re: » susan47, posted by Estella on August 2, 2006, at 19:18:05
Sometimes, when I think of my old "therapist", I hate him. I think he hurt me because he couldn't help himself. I think he has no idea what he really did. I focus on that, sometimes, so that I can understand how a therapist could feel okay about his level of competence. I want to put it all back in his lap and say, Here, let's do this again. Let's do it right, this time. So I don't have any more nightmares about you, and me, and the way it really Was, not the way I wish it was. It hurts so f*cking much. I don't understand people, the way we are. The way we can need so much from someone else, and get so nothing. It's what breaks faith. It's so sad. We don't need that emotional sh*t in our lives. We don't need to be dependent on anybody for our sense of self, we don't need a f*cking f*cked-up-himself therapist to tell us we're not good enough.
Posted by Susan47 on October 5, 2006, at 19:13:02
In reply to Re:, posted by susan47 on September 16, 2006, at 2:09:31
Actually, now I disrespect him most of the time, when I think about my ex-T I find it difficult to feel anything positive about him at all. He hurt me. He did it willfully. Will-fully.
With will.
It was his will to hurt me.
He knew he was hurting me.
He knew I was a person in great pain.
He did Nothing to mitigate that.
He did Everything to enhance my pain.
There are people in this world who will do that to you.
This is what you have to understand.
There are people who care only about their immediate environment, their needs and wishes come before anyone else's, and they're willing to be helpful only so long as it doesn't inconvenience them in any way. He was one of those. He also is an opportunist, and I remember now, how he would be easily swayed .. it was in his voice, in his manner .. he wouldn't have been difficult to convince into much of anything. He was weak.
I was stronger than him .. and I knew it and I used it and I punched at him with it. He made me soooo angry.
I'm so confused.
So hurt and so confused and there isn't anything to do but resolve this in my own head .. forget it. Forget him. Forget it. Forget him forgetforgetforgetforget.
Remember.
Remember for someone else's sake.
This is the end of the thread.
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