Posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 0:29:54
In reply to Re: » Estella, posted by susan47 on August 3, 2006, at 23:57:18
Oh Susan sweetie I think you are a wonderfully caring and bubbly and bright person. I enjoy chatting with you very much indeed. I did not realise... That you were feeling so bad... That things were that bad for you at the moment. I don't know if you are into hugs at all. But I wish I could spend some time with you. I'd give you a hug a nice accepting hug and we could go for a walk and you could blabbity blab away and I'd just enjoy listening to you. I'm sure you would make me laugh.
I'm glad you had a chat to someone IRL. And I'm super dooper glad that she was bright and compassionate and that you got something out of your conversation with her.
Can you see her again? Does she do councelling? Can you see her regularly? Because I get the impression that that would really help you. To be able to have a chat to someone about your life what has happened in your life what is happening in your life... And so have some compassionate understanding caring so that you can start to see some of the wonderful susan that I see.
> I realized then, that the T I'd been seeing, hadn't helped do anything but (and it likely wasn't something he could've helped, he's just who he is, you know?) ... he couldn't do anything but make the transference more intense.
Yes Susan I do know. I understand. I get that in fact. I know the specialist thought it was hard for me, destabilising for me to be working with p-docs for a couple months at a time and then they would move on... And yeah that was hard, there was some truth to that. But what was extra hard was that they were caring fatherly men. And transference... Well their leaving I guess that made the transference stronger too... The prospects of their leaving. My first meeting... I knew they didn't want to see me regularly. They saw people monthly to prescribe medication. I wanted them to see me weekly for therapy. So I'd do what I could to coax them into seeing me for therapy... Fortnightly sessions, a comprimise. But I did that. I coaxed them. I wanted them to see me as highly functional but with serious problems. I wanted them to want to see me. I wanted them to want to help me. It was a mess Susan, a mess. I do think that women are different... You don't have many female friends do you? I tend not to either. It is good for me to see a female t. Less transference. I get to learn that women can be wonderfully kind and compassionate and caring (probably f*cked up rather but I always associated that more with masculine traits because of my mother).
I just wanted to sit on their knee and throw my arms around their necks and hold on. And sometimes I'd get confused and think that I wanted to sleep with them. Don't leave me. Please. I'd never say that, any of that. Not in one million years of course. But that was what was going on on the inside. But put on a brave face and smile and they would feel better they would feel proud of me. Exchange myself for them disown my feelings for them the perpeptual victim was me. They were leaving before they arrived and seeing them was just repeating the trauma. And I wanted that... I wanted to do that. Over and over and over. Sure I wanted one to stay and work with me properly. But I knew they never cared for me the way I wanted (longing for the unobtainable I used to think that was my lot in life) and there is something seductive and comfortable about it... About cycling through that... Going through those patterns. About them being on the back foot to start with. Because they knew they were going to leave. They knew it would be an abandonment for me. They didn't want to work with me. They knew it would be bad for me. But I convinced them it would be worse for me without them. And I put on a brave face when they left. And round and round I'd go. And now I need to get off. It was hard Susan. Much easier and much better for me at the end of the day to work with females.
poster:Estella
thread:672459
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060722/msgs/673510.html