Posted by susan47 on August 3, 2006, at 23:57:18
In reply to Re: » susan47, posted by Estella on August 2, 2006, at 19:18:05
Hmm. Well, today I did see a counsellor, a social worker. Because I'd made some calls to my employee assistance blabbity-blah and they knew I was s------l. So, I did see a woman today. She was bright. She was compassionate. She understood things I didn't, and she told me what they were. She communicated to me so well, what had happened to my life in the last 12 years just took on new clarity, new levels of meaning and it was .. incredible.
I realized then, that the T I'd been seeing, hadn't helped do anything but (and it likely wasn't something he could've helped, he's just who he is, you know?) .. but he was just so completely lovely, such a caring, wonderful human person, I couldn't help (and who else, who knows him, wouldn't also see that) ... he couldn't do anything but make the transference more intense.
I don't know. I wish I could know somebody like that IRL, somebody I could really really love and totally accept even the bad stuff .. but see, I know he was imaginary, made up, all in my head, and I guess .. why am I talking this shite anyway?
The fact is, I feel hopeful for my future again, right now, right this moment, I feel like there might be some reason to wake up tomorrow morning.. I don't know. I just don't understand why Life has to hit me so Hard. Some people cope way better, some worse .. I don't know. It's the emotional stuff, I feel too intensely emotional, not very many people can understand that, or deal with it, or handle it without getting a bit angry and frustrated, or withdrawn. Withdrawn. See, I have withdrawn myself from life in order to protect my reputation. Hah.
In order to protect .. any friendships I might have.
F*ck.
F*ck it.
I cannot believe I could fall apart like this.
poster:susan47
thread:672459
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060722/msgs/673500.html