Posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 10:41:11
In reply to Re:, posted by susan47 on August 5, 2006, at 9:45:07
> I don't have voices. I don't think. Sometimes when I'm talking, I sound different. But I know it's me. It's all me, I'm all in there.
I get voices in my head. One theory of voices is they are thoughts experienced as alien. As other. As not me. Another theory is that there is... Noise in the channel. Noise that is interpreted as voices. I don't know what I think. I don't think it matters. I am... My experience is... The product of my brain processes. The voices occur in my mental life hence the voices are a part of me. They don't feel like they are a part of me. But I know that they are because they occur in my mind. Though... The sense of 'in' is unclear. I am the subject of experience... I don't know what to say. Do they act through me? Sometimes. Sometimes they do. Screaming. I get screaming inside me. That one is hard to explain. Screaming like... Loud. Terror. I can feel it. My body responds like I am screaming. Not my mouth. I don't make a noise. But my stomach and throat etc clench up like I'm screaming. Feels involountary. And I hear the screaming in my head. Or in my throat. Or in my stomach. Hard to explain... And sometimes I hallucinate them... And sometimes they act through me. And sometimes... I miss time. Sometimes I'm very aware of this stuff... Other times... I think I'm making up stories. I think it isn't real. Happens mostly when I'm stressed I guess. Hard to know whether stress just makes me aware of them or whether stress brings them on. In a way... The distinction doesn't matter...
> I let the voices talk, which are all really me. It was all me. It is all me. I'm so many different and disgusting and useless things all rolled up into a big ball of insecurity trying-to-be-normal.
Thats how I feel on Babble... IRL... I guess I'm different things to different groups of people. And the diversity... Makes it hard. Here I thought I knew who I was and then something shifted. Only... I think I see a turning point when there wasn't really such a significant turning point. I'm probably idealising / misremembering how i used to be on Babble. I think... I am. Now I feel like... I'm this mess. This mess of moods maybe. Has it got worse after my moving? Yeah. I think so. But then... Moving was really very stressful for me. And social groups... New contacts. Hard for me so very hard for me...
> Seeing it clearly, I have to say I hate it. But on the other hand it's what makes me special too, it makes me myself I guess.
Yeah. And I'm this horrible mess too... And I wish aspects would be gone. 'Cause I don't like them very much. Sometimes I htink they are determined to ensure that others feel the same way...
> I don't know. I don't see anything special about me, I suppose that's the problem. I want to be special. I really do.
I think you are special. I think you are wonderful :-) You have these conversations with me :-)
> Maybe that's why I've started writing, a journal my first real one that has to do with real feelings and ideas and thoughts and words that might mean something someday, not just junk, garbage.. mind garbage. A lot of this stuff, this emotional crap I live, and I mean I really live it
Thats good Susan. Thats good thats real good. I'm too terrified to get a journal. Someone might find it... So... I post here. I don't comprehend how many people might read. I don't comprehend. But somehow it feels more removed. Safer. Less linked to me IRL. I don't know how to describe...
> ... I was suicidal just two days ago, just two days ago I was in real trouble...and I don't want to be, anymore. I just want to stop hurting. I just want my pain to end. You know?
Yeah I know. I do. That was all I wanted. The pain to end. To stop. To stop. I'm sorry you hurt so bad. Sometimes... You are happy. Sometimes you are. Happy to be alive. Death... Will come soon enough. When it is ready. I'm sorry sometimes life hurts so much, though. I'm sorry it hurts so much.
poster:Estella
thread:672459
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060722/msgs/673963.html