![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by special_k on April 11, 2006, at 7:43:04
i think i forget sometimes
lose sight
the defences come up and i'm off on a tangent
creating issues
something
anything
but not what's wrong
'cause it's just too hard :-(i think i do that with therapists sometimes
with the testing...
i guess it is about pushing them hard with one hand
and hoping they will grab the other and stick by me
i mean if they aren't prepared to do that when i'm being a bitch
(or something)
then what hope is there once the *real* emotions come out?i do shove hard.
and i guess the worst is that i push the people away who could probably help me the mosti don't know
i think i want someone to care
i think that is it
but then i crush a caring person
they wear themselves out
i think i need someone to be stern
i think that is it
but then i crush under a stern person
and i feel real bad 'bout myself
i think i need someone to engage with me
i think that is it
but then i engage in all kinds of rationalisations
and we talk ourselves around and around
never really getting any closer to the real issues
i don't know what i want
i don't know what i need
i don't know what is good for me
:-(
i don'tbut i'm being a bitch
fairly much
fairly much
(go away now don't get too close)
my mother was an emotional rapist
and i can do a good impression of that
i can
online disinhibition effect...
therapy disinhibition effect...
don't get too close to me 'cause it's not safe
i'm not safe
my feelings are not safe
not for me and not for anybody else
and round and round i goand i don't know what i need
and i don't know what is good for me
sometimes i think i need a good talking to
a good shake up
someone to teach me not to play games
am i playing games?
am i?
i don't know :-(
i don't know :-(
i can't tell.
what would i say to someone else if they said they thought they were playing games...
i don't know.
i imagine i'd come up with something.i wish i could be a playful kid
i never got to me
i'm not playful irl
not really
just hang my head really
crazy huh
that is me
who the hell am i?
come here let me beat you
story of my f*cking life
and it is just playing it out
playing it out
and i guess it could be carthartic
but it isn't
and there is some evidence that cartharsis only serves to get the emotion refiring anyway
just repeating the pattern
repeating the cycle
repeating the trauma
something of a compulsion
because somehow words aren't enough
people have to feel what it is like
they have to feel it
they have to
they have to to understand
my mother was an emotional rapist
and so am i
:-(
:-(
:-(
Posted by special_k on April 11, 2006, at 7:51:52
In reply to what's wrong with me again?, posted by special_k on April 11, 2006, at 7:43:04
and it's okay
(sort of)
i'm okay
(sort of)
had a productive day
(sort of)
so things are ticking along...and maybe it is just about that.
ticking along.
and helping people.
and accepting the help people offer.
and being sure to appreciate it
and being sure not to let it disappear
into that big black hole inside of me
where nothing is ever enough.
and not longing for what is unobtainable
and not wanting what isn't so good for me
and just accepting things as they are more.
acceptance.
i'm on a wait list to see somebody.
i am.
yeah it's a public service...
but i've seen people from public service before...
and i want to try
really try
really try to give them a chance
really try to talk to them
to not let their words disappear into that big black hole inside of me where nothing is ever enough
and just appreciate it for what it is
a kind person who is trying to help as best they can
like people are on boards...
like posters are on boards.and that is a great deal.
it is
it is a huge deal.
and maybe posters on boards...
maybe it is better for me.because it gets me out of me
me
me
me
it is all about me
and sometimes i think that thinking too much about
me
me
me
is what gets me into trouble anyways.and here...
time to refocus
to reorientirl... we will see
it is a mixed blessing
maybe it will work out
maybe it won't
whatever happens...
i need to tell myself that it is all for the best
and just try and accept it
and accept that there are people here who care about me
and the most important thing...
the most important thing i think i need to learn in my life
is how to accept that and not let it disappear into the big black hole inside me where nothing is ever enough.because anybody would get lost in there.
i did.
Posted by ClearSkies on April 12, 2006, at 12:10:05
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again?, posted by special_k on April 11, 2006, at 7:51:52
"and i want to try
really try
really try to give them a chance
really try to talk to them
to not let their words disappear into that big black hole inside of me where nothing is ever enough
and just appreciate it for what it is
a kind person who is trying to help as best they can
like people are on boards...
like posters are on boards."I really like this, S_K. Acceptance of help is one thing (and really important), but just as significant is holding that help inside us, to comfort us and lean upon.
I hope that you're able to get some RL support that helps you get through this time.ClearSkies
Posted by special_k on April 13, 2006, at 22:34:04
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again?, posted by ClearSkies on April 12, 2006, at 12:10:05
hey. i don't know about RL support... whether that is going to work out for me.
but i knew things would probably be like this...
i guess if i'm really struggling i can go back to student services... i don't know.
it is hard.
it can be hard.i don't know what to say...
i wish there was something i could take to flatten my emotions (to dull the extremes) but that didn't have me feel lethargic...
i remember one of the anti-p's was a bit like that...
took a week of getting through the 'everything is a dream and i feel half way between sleeping and waking' feeling...
but then i just kind of addapted to it and i think it was a bit helpful.
but that isn't really an option either anymore.
oh well...
just keep on keeping on...need to learn to shut my yap sometimes i think...
Posted by ClearSkies on April 14, 2006, at 7:34:46
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again?, posted by special_k on April 13, 2006, at 22:34:04
> hey. i don't know about RL support... whether that is going to work out for me.
>
Oops. I wasn't talking about therapy. Are there any support groups that meet where you could sit in and maybe just listen? Maybe regarding depression or anxiety, or even bpd? There are organizations here that I'd probably do well in exploring, although that seems like an enormous leap for me right now.I know that you feel that therapy is a regular suggestion in "things you can do to help yourself", and that it isn't possible for some of us. I don't even post on the Psychology board often, because although I'm finding therapy helpful, I visit my T every 2 weeks, just like I do my pdoc. It's up to me to carry on and do the Work on my own. Even when I feel vastly incapable of doing it.
Maybe review the bpd skills manual with us when we go through it on that board? Refresh yourself on the exercises that have helped in the past? Meditate, take a break from drinking (sorry, that's my personal pet peeve since it distorts my thinking so much)... there are many things that I do on my own to help myself. I don't mean to imply that you aren't doing any of these things (I haven't the faintest idea), but I'm just throwing out some suggestions.
And don't worry about writing here - that's what this place is all about.
ClearSkies
Posted by muffled on April 15, 2006, at 1:48:51
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again? » special_k, posted by ClearSkies on April 14, 2006, at 7:34:46
Or me?
Me, me , me?
You talking about me too.....
I'm doing ok mostly.
Hope you can too.
Sigh.
Like your writing special-k.
Its good.
Helps me.
Yeah, me.
Me and me and me.
Sh*t anyways.
But really, I doing ok.
You be ok too, ok?
Thanks.
Glad you around.
Muffled
Posted by special_k on April 16, 2006, at 21:37:10
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again? » special_k, posted by ClearSkies on April 14, 2006, at 7:34:46
hey. thanks for talking with me. i saw these posts here... (yours and then muffled) and read them... and would come back and read them again. had a good cry or four. feeling bad about my drunken post on admin about how nobody ever helps me... of course they do. i was just feeling sorry for myself (black hole etc etc).
> Are there any support groups that meet where you could sit in and maybe just listen? Maybe regarding depression or anxiety, or even bpd?
I don't think there are. I think they run them for undergrads... But not for grad students. Still waiting to hear back from the womens health centre. Maybe need to be sexually abused to qualify. Maybe about now is... The time to go 'yeah whatever call it whatever you like'. I don't know. We shall see... Oh. Another thought... Maybe you need to have been sexually abused in Australia... Dammit.
> Maybe review the bpd skills manual with us when we go through it on that board?Yeah. Maybe. Are people going to do that? I know people have been talking about it for a while...
> take a break from drinking (sorry, that's my personal pet peeve since it distorts my thinking so much)...
yeah. i need to be careful. i'm a write off the next day...
> And don't worry about writing here - that's what this place is all about.
thanks.
that was a lovely post.
thank you.
((((((((clearskies)))))))))
I'll just hold onto ya and cry for a bit ok?
Posted by special_k on April 16, 2006, at 21:40:57
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again?, posted by muffled on April 15, 2006, at 1:48:51
hey muffled sweetie. you help me a lot too. last time i was blocked... and i felt like everybody had forgotten i ever existed... except you... you would post little hellos to me every now and then. and that helped me so much. i'll never forget that.
i think i'm okay. i been crying a lot. a lot. ruminating a lot. hard to get to sleep. hard to snap out of sleep. just want to curl up and cry all the time.
meebe i depressed.
i dunno. i'll come right. i will. i'll get into some work or something and then i'll feel a lot better about myself.
((((((muffled)))))))))
Posted by ClearSkies on April 16, 2006, at 22:04:32
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again? » ClearSkies, posted by special_k on April 16, 2006, at 21:37:10
> ((((((((clearskies)))))))))
> I'll just hold onto ya and cry for a bit ok?
>
>
Hold on as tight as you need to.And when you cry, so do I. Tears are a release, I've been told over and over (I'm a weeper), but sometimes they are just the overflow from inside us. Full of love, sorrow, or fear, or anger. The tears feel the same whatever they are for, don't they?
Hmm. What about a book club, or a women's circle, or can you knit (not I). Hobbies are a good way to immerse yourself with others. Hey, I got a million ideas, take what you want and leave the rest.
CS
(((Special_K)))
Posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 0:20:16
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again? » special_k, posted by ClearSkies on April 16, 2006, at 22:04:32
> The tears feel the same whatever they are for, don't they?
i think so. but there is a difference between resentments for what has passed and grief that is felt in the present. i learned that with mindfulness... before i didn't know there was a difference. the difference between tears that just fall out of present grief, and the tears that are mixed with rage and anger that are kind of forced out. the latter kind can be inconsolable.
i wonder if i was born with the latter kind.
if i was too demanding.
apparantly i used to be a chatterer when i was a little kid. used to ask 'why' a lot.
but my mum screamed at me and beat it out of me
well
still ask why but the unselfconscious chatterer is gone
maybe my ravings are its heir
i dunno.
> Hmm. What about a book club, or a women's circle, or can you knit (not I). Hobbies are a good way to immerse yourself with others.yeah. i could go to work. there isn't any shortage of things to do to meet people around here. immersing myself in social activities... is a different matter. i'd rather go to my room. and babble. and curl up in a little ball and cry.
i wonder if i'll always do that
grieve
i think it is grief
and sometimes anger and rage
i wonder if i'll always do that
i wonder if i need to talk about it to get past it
or whether that is just a self indulgance.
i wonder if talking about the ruminations will make them go away
or if it will just make them worse
i wonder if talking about whats on my mind when i'm hurting will help it hurt less
or if it only hurts so much 'cause i'm hurting
i don't knowi don't know
i think i need to learn to shut up and just be
i need to get out of my head and into the world
i need to get my *ss out of bed in the mornings
do some exercise or something to wake up
not lie there for hours...
ruminating...
remembering...
winding myself up.
it is hard though
sometimes i think that if i don't get that time to do that
that the tears will come out during the day
at times that are really inappropriate
i don't konw
just feel so tired
so very tired
i think i am depressed
but there is nothing to be done...
Posted by ClearSkies on April 17, 2006, at 6:32:32
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again? » ClearSkies, posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 0:20:16
Hey - how old are you?
The only reason I ask is that I'm a far more optimistic person now, at my advanced age of 43, than I was when I was, say, 24. At that age I was certain that I'd made too many poor decisions based on past experiences, that I'd messed my life up permanently and all I had to look forward to was more unhappy decisions; and yet - here I am.
Pretty much at peace with myself compared with the 24 year-old me.
Posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 12:50:02
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again? » ClearSkies, posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 0:20:16
> i think so. but there is a difference between resentments for what has passed and grief that is felt in the present. i learned that with mindfulness... before i didn't know there was a difference. the difference between tears that just fall out of present grief, and the tears that are mixed with rage and anger that are kind of forced out. the latter kind can be inconsolable.
>
> i wonder if i was born with the latter kind.
> if i was too demanding.
> apparantly i used to be a chatterer when i was a little kid. used to ask 'why' a lot.
> but my mum screamed at me and beat it out of me
> well
> still ask why but the unselfconscious chatterer is gone
> maybe my ravings are its heir
> i dunno.***I think I was an annoying kid too. Don't really remember. Mebbe don't want to...
> yeah. i could go to work. there isn't any shortage of things to do to meet people around here. immersing myself in social activities... is a different matter. i'd rather go to my room. and babble. and curl up in a little ball and cry.***I feel better doing volunteer work. No pressure and I feel useful. I don't socialize that much. Don't want to really.
>
> i wonder if i'll always do that
> grieve
> i think it is grief
> and sometimes anger and rage
> i wonder if i'll always do that
> i wonder if i need to talk about it to get past it
> or whether that is just a self indulgance.
> i wonder if talking about the ruminations will make them go away
> or if it will just make them worse
> i wonder if talking about whats on my mind when i'm hurting will help it hurt less
> or if it only hurts so much 'cause i'm hurting
> i don't know
>
***I dunno either. I wrote this just the other day...CIRCLES
I stay away from whats inside and I’m ok.
I chill out mostly.
For awhile.
Awhile.
But the chewing continues.
Quietly.
Then ever louder.
More confused.
More lost.
Going, going.
Gone.
Where I go I do not know.
Into reduce the intensity mode.
Into basic survival functioning.
Into the farce of seeming normalcy.
Me.
I dunno.
I sort of sit back and watch sometimes and wait and do nothing.
Sometimes I’m just gone, gone, gone.
Mebbe I keep things from going too wrong.
While what needs to be done, is done.
Then ashamed, yet releived, I reappear after a time.
Sometimes it takes awhile.
Sometimes not.
Then I stay away from whats inside and I’m ok.
I chill out mostly.
For awhile.
Awhile.
But the chewing continues…….
>
> i think i need to learn to shut up and just be
> i need to get out of my head and into the world
> i need to get my *ss out of bed in the mornings
> do some exercise or something to wake up
> not lie there for hours...
> ruminating...
> remembering...
> winding myself up.
> it is hard though
> sometimes i think that if i don't get that time to do that
> that the tears will come out during the day
> at times that are really inappropriate
> i don't konw
> just feel so tired
> so very tired
> i think i am depressed
> but there is nothing to be done...
>
***There's always something.
Even if its going out the door and sitting in a park.
Or passing out smokes to street people if you can afford a pack. But stay away from drugs.....
Maybe go to a church and listen to singing.
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Man'o'man.
On my high horse today eh?
Take care.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 12:51:43
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again?, posted by ClearSkies on April 17, 2006, at 6:32:32
I'm 43 too. A particularly good age if I do say so myself. And I agree wholeheartedly with what you said above.
Take care,
muffled
Posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 20:21:00
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again?, posted by ClearSkies on April 17, 2006, at 6:32:32
> Hey - how old are you?
i think i'm 27 but i lose track... in terms of poor decisions... i think i'm doing alright. bummed about not working harder in math at school. bummed about not being able to do science because of it... but aside from that... we ain't doing too badly.
watched a movie the other day. to live and belong. i think i do want to become a doctor. MD. then i'll be doctor doctor lol. seriously though... i think i might like to go offer aid to third world countries and stuff. philosophy only gets one so far lol. and psychiatry too. i dunno. dunno that i'm good enough at networking and taking rejection to seriously persue a job. and teaching... dunno. i regret taking on so much tutoring 'cause now i'm sick to death of it. i dunno. we will see. might get the chance to spend a year in the US. we have reciprocal agreement with a uni where they don't have enough grads to do tutoring so dept will pay airfares and enough to live off via tutoring work for one year. gives us the chance to get to eastern division phil conference too (most important thing to do re networking and if you are applying for jobs they tend to hold first round of interviews arount the conference...
> Pretty much at peace with myself compared with the 24 year-old me.:-)
maybe the older i get the more early childhood / teenage stuff will receed. jeepers... i hope so.(((((clearskies)))))
Posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 20:34:27
In reply to Hey you, you ok!!!! » special_k, posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 12:50:02
> ***I think I was an annoying kid too. Don't really remember. Mebbe don't want to...
mmm. mebee we just needed a little attention and tlc...
> ***I feel better doing volunteer work. No pressure and I feel useful. I don't socialize that much. Don't want to really.yeah. i'd feel better for getting into my thesis lol. no pressure in particular (yet) but investment now will help things along later. we have a big dept. maybe 20 grad students. a few post doctoral fellows. maybe 10 staff. and visiting scholars / staff etc all the time. lots of socialising... i'm not used to hanging in a group of like 15 people per time... goign out to dinner and stuff... but they are there and are friendly enough... though i think there is a semi competitive thing going on... well there is really... i think thats why it is hard for me to relax around them.
feel more relaxed around the physicists... except when i actually talk to them about what they are doing... and a chemist too... now why would you want to study phosperous and arsenic for??? interesting the different takes on the moral responsibility of scientists... interesting...
> ***I dunno either. I wrote this just the other day...
> CIRCLES
> I stay away from whats inside and I’m ok.
> I chill out mostly.
> For awhile.
> Awhile.
> But the chewing continues.
> Quietly.
> Then ever louder.
> More confused.
> More lost.
> Going, going.
> Gone.
> Where I go I do not know.
> Into reduce the intensity mode.
> Into basic survival functioning.
> Into the farce of seeming normalcy.
> Me.
> I dunno.
> I sort of sit back and watch sometimes and wait and do nothing.
> Sometimes I’m just gone, gone, gone.
> Mebbe I keep things from going too wrong.
> While what needs to be done, is done.
> Then ashamed, yet releived, I reappear after a time.
> Sometimes it takes awhile.
> Sometimes not.
> Then I stay away from whats inside and I’m ok.
> I chill out mostly.
> For awhile.
> Awhile.
> But the chewing continues…….what is the chewing?
a gnawing feeling inside of you?
like your stomach trying to work when there isn't anything inside?
i dunno...
(i liked that)
:-)
> ***There's always something.
> Even if its going out the door and sitting in a park.
> Or passing out smokes to street people if you can afford a pack. But stay away from drugs.....
> Maybe go to a church and listen to singing.
> Don't drink.
> Don't drink.
> Don't drink.
> Man'o'man.
> On my high horse today eh?
> Take care.
> Muffledthanks muffled. yeah sometimes i think that is what i need to do. walk away from the computer and go outside. go sit in the park or something. go to a movie. that is more of an option now. i'm lucky to be living on campus :-) walking distance to town and the streets are safe enough (over policed really for govt activities so when there isnt' an event...) the streets are safe enough. and there are a couple movie theatres... and it is getting colder so that is the perfect thing to do.
not too many homeless people. they built the subsidised housing (income based so free in some instances) right in town. thought that was nicer for them. closer to buses and stuff. one of the post docs was saying he likes that 'cause it gives him some entertainment at night (across the road from fairly nice appartment complexes). police response is very good.
there are shelters in town too. dunno... but i think maybe they open at maybe 10pm and close early in the morning. so the drunk pepole give them a hard time in town sometimes. but... police response is very good.
most of them seem to be mentally ill (pronounced delusions / hallucinations)
it is kinda sad.
i'm not so used to that... well... maybe i kinda am. community mental health used to be in town back where i was from. and people used to hang round town before / after their appoitments. they used to busk. i'm used to singing and people trying to sell crayon drawings and stuff. making your name out of a bit of wire etc. but not so used to someone sitting next to a tin yelling out whether people can spare their change :-(
kinda sad.
:-(
Posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 20:37:05
In reply to Re: Hey you, you ok!!!! » muffled, posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 20:34:27
i think it is 3M
you know the peoples who make post it notes
apparantly they tried to develop a new glue
and it sucked hardly stuck at all
but a little innovation and whaddya know
post it notes and removable cellotape
one guy...
knew a guy...
working on developing adhesive
you think superglue and stuff
but defence grants are available
just think how much damage a bomb could do
if bits of it
actually stuck to the targets
ugh
the world is one f*cked up place
IMHO
Posted by Damos on April 17, 2006, at 22:13:06
In reply to what's wrong with me again?, posted by special_k on April 11, 2006, at 7:43:04
Each of you is so very special to me, more than any of you will probably ever know. I'm sorry I'm not around so much; sorry I don't know how to say thank-you for all that your friendship and caring brings, for what caring for each of you brings, because it is so much, so very much.
I miss being with you here, miss being here, miss who you help me be.
(((((Special_K)))))
(((((ClearSkies)))))
(((((Muffled)))))
Posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 22:24:31
In reply to 3M, posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 20:37:05
Yep, worlds pretty f*cked all right.
I'm a Christian, and we beleive that Jesus is gonna come back and REALLY trash the place. But then it'll get fixed up and the badness will be gone for a long, long time.
I think I got that mostly right. I'm not much of a Christian, but I working at it.
Anyhow. It helps get me thru the day some days.....
Sigh.
Posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 22:45:47
In reply to Re: Hey you, you ok!!!! » muffled, posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 20:34:27
> mmm. mebee we just needed a little attention and tlc...
***yeah, maybe. :-(
> yeah. i'd feel better for getting into my thesis lol. no pressure in particular (yet) but investment now will help things along later. we have a big dept. i'm not used to hanging in a group of like 15 people per time... goign out to dinner and stuff...
***yeah, I would find that REALLY hard. Don't like large groups of people AT ALL. I admire that your able to do this.
> feel more relaxed around the physicists... except when i actually talk to them about what they are doing... and a chemist too... now why would you want to study phosperous and arsenic for??? interesting the different takes on the moral responsibility of scientists... interesting...***LOL! Never thot of talking to physicists!!!!
> what is the chewing?
> a gnawing feeling inside of you?
> like your stomach trying to work when there isn't anything inside?
> i dunno...
> (i liked that)
> :-)
***ROFL!!!!!!!!!!
Naw, the chewing is sort of that i can never be totally at peace. Something is gnawing away inside me mentally, and I can ignore it for awhile, but I don't know what it is, and it never totally goes away. And it builds until I goto release the pressure in unhealthy ways.> thanks muffled. yeah sometimes i think that is what i need to do. walk away from the computer and go outside. go sit in the park or something. go to a movie. that is more of an option now. i'm lucky to be living on campus
***yeah, thats sounds good.
> not too many homeless people. they built the subsidised housing (income based so free in some instances) right in town. thought that was nicer for them. closer to buses and stuff. one of the post docs was saying he likes that 'cause it gives him some entertainment at night > most of them seem to be mentally ill (pronounced delusions / hallucinations)
> it is kinda sad.***Yeah, kinda sad, but not all bad. Lotsa them are not that sad, mostly some are lonely, and they don't like it when people try and pretend they don't exist.
They are people. They are where they are for a myriad of reasons. Addiction, mental health issues, health issues, or just what life has thrown at them....>
> i'm not so used to that... well... maybe i kinda am. community mental health used to be in town back where i was from. and people used to hang round town before / after their appoitments. they used to busk. i'm used to singing and people trying to sell crayon drawings and stuff. making your name out of a bit of wire etc. but not so used to someone sitting next to a tin yelling out whether people can spare their change :-(***We call it panning here. (short for panhandling). Some of those guys do not too badly at it.
Some of those who sleep on the street and under bridges etc. are more comfortable and feel safer there than at shelters.
Their world is different and can be harsh, but not all is bad. There is moments of joy too.
People who literally got nothing to lose, got no reason to smile.........when you smile at them and they smile back..........its so beautiful and wonderful to me.
They are special to me, scabs and all.***But for the grace of God, I'd be there myself. Or more likely I'd be long dead by now.....
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Estella on May 6, 2006, at 22:21:21
In reply to Re: Hey you, you ok!!!!, posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 22:45:47
> Naw, the chewing is sort of that i can never be totally at peace. Something is gnawing away inside me mentally, and I can ignore it for awhile, but I don't know what it is, and it never totally goes away. And it builds until I goto release the pressure in unhealthy ways.
In your head?
In your stomach?I get a kind of chewing in my stomach sometimes. Othertimes I kind of pain... Yes... I think that was what SI was about for me... A way to get away from that godawful feeling. Go numb and watch things happen. A way to bring you back. I don't know. I just remember I would do anything anything at all to get it to stop. Anything at all. Dammit. I still get that. Now... I curl up into a little ball... Take some valium... And I'm not allowed to move I'm not. I imagine that I'm paralysed. That I'm going to lie there till my flesh rots off. I'm not going to move dammit. And these fickle moods. And it is over in a couple days. The rage the terror the pain.
Not to be talked about...
Brings it back.
I'm sorry. I wish I could take those feelings from you so you never had to feel them again. I'm so sorry.
Posted by muffled on May 8, 2006, at 15:27:14
In reply to Re: Hey you, you ok!!!! » muffled, posted by Estella on May 6, 2006, at 22:21:21
Thanks for your reply estella.
its not all bad.
Just I don't have much memories, just the emotions and so its rather confusing to me.
I get alot of internal conflict with diff. parts of myself that make it hard too.
But its not all bad.
I think I ever so slowly getting better.
I'm learning to deal w/the emotions.
There IS hope.
You take care,
Muffled
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