Posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 12:50:02
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again? » ClearSkies, posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 0:20:16
> i think so. but there is a difference between resentments for what has passed and grief that is felt in the present. i learned that with mindfulness... before i didn't know there was a difference. the difference between tears that just fall out of present grief, and the tears that are mixed with rage and anger that are kind of forced out. the latter kind can be inconsolable.
>
> i wonder if i was born with the latter kind.
> if i was too demanding.
> apparantly i used to be a chatterer when i was a little kid. used to ask 'why' a lot.
> but my mum screamed at me and beat it out of me
> well
> still ask why but the unselfconscious chatterer is gone
> maybe my ravings are its heir
> i dunno.***I think I was an annoying kid too. Don't really remember. Mebbe don't want to...
> yeah. i could go to work. there isn't any shortage of things to do to meet people around here. immersing myself in social activities... is a different matter. i'd rather go to my room. and babble. and curl up in a little ball and cry.***I feel better doing volunteer work. No pressure and I feel useful. I don't socialize that much. Don't want to really.
>
> i wonder if i'll always do that
> grieve
> i think it is grief
> and sometimes anger and rage
> i wonder if i'll always do that
> i wonder if i need to talk about it to get past it
> or whether that is just a self indulgance.
> i wonder if talking about the ruminations will make them go away
> or if it will just make them worse
> i wonder if talking about whats on my mind when i'm hurting will help it hurt less
> or if it only hurts so much 'cause i'm hurting
> i don't know
>
***I dunno either. I wrote this just the other day...CIRCLES
I stay away from whats inside and I’m ok.
I chill out mostly.
For awhile.
Awhile.
But the chewing continues.
Quietly.
Then ever louder.
More confused.
More lost.
Going, going.
Gone.
Where I go I do not know.
Into reduce the intensity mode.
Into basic survival functioning.
Into the farce of seeming normalcy.
Me.
I dunno.
I sort of sit back and watch sometimes and wait and do nothing.
Sometimes I’m just gone, gone, gone.
Mebbe I keep things from going too wrong.
While what needs to be done, is done.
Then ashamed, yet releived, I reappear after a time.
Sometimes it takes awhile.
Sometimes not.
Then I stay away from whats inside and I’m ok.
I chill out mostly.
For awhile.
Awhile.
But the chewing continues…….
>
> i think i need to learn to shut up and just be
> i need to get out of my head and into the world
> i need to get my *ss out of bed in the mornings
> do some exercise or something to wake up
> not lie there for hours...
> ruminating...
> remembering...
> winding myself up.
> it is hard though
> sometimes i think that if i don't get that time to do that
> that the tears will come out during the day
> at times that are really inappropriate
> i don't konw
> just feel so tired
> so very tired
> i think i am depressed
> but there is nothing to be done...
>
***There's always something.
Even if its going out the door and sitting in a park.
Or passing out smokes to street people if you can afford a pack. But stay away from drugs.....
Maybe go to a church and listen to singing.
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Man'o'man.
On my high horse today eh?
Take care.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:631689
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060331/msgs/634130.html