Posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 0:20:16
In reply to Re: what's wrong with me again? » special_k, posted by ClearSkies on April 16, 2006, at 22:04:32
> The tears feel the same whatever they are for, don't they?
i think so. but there is a difference between resentments for what has passed and grief that is felt in the present. i learned that with mindfulness... before i didn't know there was a difference. the difference between tears that just fall out of present grief, and the tears that are mixed with rage and anger that are kind of forced out. the latter kind can be inconsolable.
i wonder if i was born with the latter kind.
if i was too demanding.
apparantly i used to be a chatterer when i was a little kid. used to ask 'why' a lot.
but my mum screamed at me and beat it out of me
well
still ask why but the unselfconscious chatterer is gone
maybe my ravings are its heir
i dunno.
> Hmm. What about a book club, or a women's circle, or can you knit (not I). Hobbies are a good way to immerse yourself with others.yeah. i could go to work. there isn't any shortage of things to do to meet people around here. immersing myself in social activities... is a different matter. i'd rather go to my room. and babble. and curl up in a little ball and cry.
i wonder if i'll always do that
grieve
i think it is grief
and sometimes anger and rage
i wonder if i'll always do that
i wonder if i need to talk about it to get past it
or whether that is just a self indulgance.
i wonder if talking about the ruminations will make them go away
or if it will just make them worse
i wonder if talking about whats on my mind when i'm hurting will help it hurt less
or if it only hurts so much 'cause i'm hurting
i don't knowi don't know
i think i need to learn to shut up and just be
i need to get out of my head and into the world
i need to get my *ss out of bed in the mornings
do some exercise or something to wake up
not lie there for hours...
ruminating...
remembering...
winding myself up.
it is hard though
sometimes i think that if i don't get that time to do that
that the tears will come out during the day
at times that are really inappropriate
i don't konw
just feel so tired
so very tired
i think i am depressed
but there is nothing to be done...
poster:special_k
thread:631689
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060331/msgs/634044.html