Posted by special_k on April 11, 2006, at 7:43:04
i think i forget sometimes
lose sight
the defences come up and i'm off on a tangent
creating issues
something
anything
but not what's wrong
'cause it's just too hard :-(i think i do that with therapists sometimes
with the testing...
i guess it is about pushing them hard with one hand
and hoping they will grab the other and stick by me
i mean if they aren't prepared to do that when i'm being a bitch
(or something)
then what hope is there once the *real* emotions come out?i do shove hard.
and i guess the worst is that i push the people away who could probably help me the mosti don't know
i think i want someone to care
i think that is it
but then i crush a caring person
they wear themselves out
i think i need someone to be stern
i think that is it
but then i crush under a stern person
and i feel real bad 'bout myself
i think i need someone to engage with me
i think that is it
but then i engage in all kinds of rationalisations
and we talk ourselves around and around
never really getting any closer to the real issues
i don't know what i want
i don't know what i need
i don't know what is good for me
:-(
i don'tbut i'm being a bitch
fairly much
fairly much
(go away now don't get too close)
my mother was an emotional rapist
and i can do a good impression of that
i can
online disinhibition effect...
therapy disinhibition effect...
don't get too close to me 'cause it's not safe
i'm not safe
my feelings are not safe
not for me and not for anybody else
and round and round i goand i don't know what i need
and i don't know what is good for me
sometimes i think i need a good talking to
a good shake up
someone to teach me not to play games
am i playing games?
am i?
i don't know :-(
i don't know :-(
i can't tell.
what would i say to someone else if they said they thought they were playing games...
i don't know.
i imagine i'd come up with something.i wish i could be a playful kid
i never got to me
i'm not playful irl
not really
just hang my head really
crazy huh
that is me
who the hell am i?
come here let me beat you
story of my f*cking life
and it is just playing it out
playing it out
and i guess it could be carthartic
but it isn't
and there is some evidence that cartharsis only serves to get the emotion refiring anyway
just repeating the pattern
repeating the cycle
repeating the trauma
something of a compulsion
because somehow words aren't enough
people have to feel what it is like
they have to feel it
they have to
they have to to understand
my mother was an emotional rapist
and so am i
:-(
:-(
:-(
poster:special_k
thread:631689
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060331/msgs/631689.html