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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by special_k on March 29, 2006, at 4:56:23
i am i have i have been getting in trouble everwhere. should stay in bed not fit... etc. story of my life though and the stories getting thin. people will get sick of it eventually... and move on.
sometimes stuff comes up. and clash of the issues. story of my life too. and what to do... i don't know. if only i didn't have feelings or if only they weren't so intense there probably wouldn't be so much of a problem. but when needs conflict.
and they do.
and conflict... seems to follow me around though that can't be right and it must be me creating it. and somewhere along the lines somewhere into it the issue gets lost anyway and everyone is just mad and i don't know what i'm doing why i'm doing what i'm doing just watch myself doing it and maybe it is about getting others to hate me as much as i hate myself and maybe that is it. 'cause i don't know but people hurt and it isn't safe it isn't safe and i feel scared.
and they will only hate me sooner or later so why waste time why not just get it over with and sometimes i feel peoples hatred seering into me but i don't think it is htem not really it is my hatred for me cause other people
apathetic
unconcerned
removed
oblivioustill i hurt em a little bit then they take notice but what am i doing? i don't know. broken. yup. and while glue helps me function don'tlook too close don't get too close
and i don't know what i want anyways... cept for it all to be over. the end... isn't coming soon enough.
and why does it have to be so hard.
why can't one just will oneself out of existence?
why not?
i don't understand
Posted by special_k on March 29, 2006, at 5:40:05
In reply to being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 29, 2006, at 4:56:23
and who knows what the f*ck that was about and what is going on.
sigh.
i think i was a good kid. good but i used to get scared. when people would fight. and when there was electricity in the air because of the storms. but sometimes i think i was a bit... maybe relentless even then. maybe not relentless just bubbly or something and then it would come as a short sharp shock. and i think it shocked it out of me. i remember hiding a lot. and following my dad around chattering to him. at him. something.
then the short sharp shocks became longer... and more deeply painful than sharp. and it didn't seem to matter what i did they couldn't be avoided. and so i... i don't know that i changed my behaviour much to come into line because it didn't seem like anything i did affected the shocks. but i guess i was hanging my head in general and waiting for the inevitable.
then when i got older... the shocks were coming anyway so i remember sometimes i knew my behaviour was going to bring one on. i mean i guess i sort of figured that if my mother got in a bad mood i'd get punished. and there were things guaranteed to get her in one of those. anything requiring money for example. i remember taking a good couple months to work up the courage to ask her if i could have a bra. and the inevitable shame... the shame... because she was not happy. and when i got my period. another added expense. and so on. and i'd get punished (allegedly for somehting else). whatever.
but i think i was good. i think i was. i tried. but i tried harder for my dad. to be quiet so very quiet... if i was invisible and weightless he couldn't object to my being around - could he? yeah. he could.
but at school i guess i got to be a bit of a pain.
i don't know. raving really. all these hurts. and what to do with them? and what happened to the facade. be good. be good. follow the rules. be polite. it makes no difference what i do. he left anyway. didn't matter that i was good. didn't matter that i was practically non-existent. he left anyway. i didn't know what to do.
i hate him now. took so long... but i hate him now. i remember back and he was oblivious to me. i didn't matter to him. he didn't hardly notice me. he didn't care. didn't want me to hate him sure. he always was a coward. stand by and let her beat me. one for the team or something.
and now. rage. what are you supposed to do with that? just another thing to do when nothing you do really makes any difference anyway because the end result in inevitable. shocks and then the person goes. that is life. that is my life. and everything else is just the stuff... between that. apparantly when you get in certain moods you tend to remember times past... well i remember times past...
and you know sometimes it hurts too much.
and sometimes i think human beings are really rather horrible animals. about as vile as they come. and evolution took a twisted path and we are going to kill the planet game over. evolution took a twisted path and we have got to have been the biggest mistake in billions and billions and billions of years. too short sighted. or something. mother nature is myopic and so are we.
and we just go around hurting each other and trying to self destruct only the body is so resilient and it won't let go
Posted by special_k on March 29, 2006, at 5:49:21
In reply to Re: being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 29, 2006, at 5:40:05
> and we just go around hurting each other and trying to self destruct only the body is so resilient and it won't let go
though of course we can damage it up good and mark it and stuff to feed our pain. perminant reminders that was what i wanted anyway perminant reminders because the years the years in my room i remember lying there at night (every night) crying and crying and crying and vowing I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS THERE IS NO WAY I WILL EVER FORGET THISand i was right and i made sure i made sure and so it is my fault it is my fault and i bemoan remembering now but to forget is like a betrayal 'cause nobody listened nobody cared nobody gave a sh*t so long as i was nice to them so nice to them so they can f*ck off to live a life where they can forget forget and move on but not me no way i can never forget 'cause i promised i promised and i hate myself so much and i think i shuold have been put out of my misery long ago and this f*cking body why won't it just let me die?
Posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 1:58:29
In reply to Re: being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 29, 2006, at 5:49:21
and in terms of explanation it probably goes some way
but in terms of justification it simply is not relevant
and that is life
and that is part of what is so tragic about it etc
but that is just me
a walking tragedy
but the story's getting old now
etcand round and round i go
'cept not really going round
the hatred is taking over
and it consumes me
yup
and whats it all about
but some allegence to some kid
and whats that
but a part of me that won't let go
won't let go
till the story is out
but even that
is not enough
and nothing is enough
and nothing ever will be enough
'cept i'll repress it for some time
and then it really will be back to round and roundtrying to figure a pattern...
think i see a pattern
but hard to say
when people get pissed with bob
he starts up about leaving
nicely done
people go from pissed to nice again
nice and we love you bob and everything's ok
nicely done.nice resort
though it's more an idle threat, eh?
like how you talk about deputies having more power
though you won't relinquish to them
you are full of it.see ya round.
Posted by ClearSkies on March 30, 2006, at 3:38:04
In reply to Re: being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 1:58:29
It sounds like you are having a difficult time. I'm sorry this stuff is adding to your concerns. Please be gentle with yourself, Special_K.
CS
Posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 7:09:59
In reply to Re: being a bitch again... » special_k, posted by ClearSkies on March 30, 2006, at 3:38:04
thanks. having a hard time. not sure why... just been spinning. for a while now in all honesty. thinking maybe its not so good for me being here. i think about the boards a lot. should be working. i think about my sh*t a lot. should be working. i ruminate a lot. should be socialising with people irl. i don't know what is wrong with me. too many shoulds. other people don't have to have the shoulds. they just do it.
guess i've been ruminating a lot. not so helpful. block triggered stuff off for me. being shut in my room :-( not fit for human company and so on and so forth... and now i get to worrying about bob leaving. and i'm so mad. and i know its my sh*t but there it is. and what am i supposed to do with it? dunno. but if i keep this up i'm only asking for another blocking. and whats he supposed to do?
and yet... i continue. i do. i can see it... but i can't stop it. and he doesn't give a sh*t anyway but i don't think he likes it when people worry about him... and i know i should just shut the f*ck up but that is hard for me (as you know). but it isn't so good for me. it isn't. but then i don't know what i would have done about this place sometimes. and i worry already 'cause i don't spend as much time here as i used to and i don't read as much as i would normally...
and i feel like i'm drifting. and people will forget about me.
and i'm scared :-(
Posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 7:19:16
In reply to Re: being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 7:09:59
and it's crazy. 'cause sometimes what i think i most want is to vanish. if only i am quiet enough then i'll just fade away and fade out of existence. and sometimes that is what i most want.
then othertimes i'm f*cking terrified that that is happening to me. that i am vanishing. that i am fading out of existence. and i'm so scared.
maybe its cause i want things to end properly. and i don't have faith that they will. i don't think that they will. what will happen is that people will go and i'll just fade in their mind in thier perception i'll be nothing and yet from my perspective i'll still be there trapped forever alone.
like i was. and it felt like forever. it did. and i haven't managed to get away yet because sometimes something happens and i find i'm back where i was before. and sometimes nothing happens but i still find i'm back there again. and when i am there there isn't any way out and i can't get out and nobody notices or cares and i'm there forever and there isn't any hope because the body just won't give up.
:-(
and i get like this sometimes... quite a lot i guess. only once i'm out of it i seem to forget. but once i'm sinking i only remember being there i only remember that and it is so hard and i feel so scared.
:-(
spinning...
but there is nothing to be done
and there it is.it will pass.
mostly... i've got the hang of that.
but it will come back.
i mean lets be realistic... i've got the hang of that too.
and so i just spin along round and round.
and...
thats life i guess. my life. and sometimes when i get kind of relentless and out of control i guess maybe its cause if people hate me then at least they are acknowledging my existence. and i make a difference in some way even if it is a horrible one and they wish me dead.
they just get how i feel i guess.
how i feel about me.i don't know. just talking.
Posted by cricket on March 30, 2006, at 8:15:46
In reply to Re: being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 7:19:16
(((((Special_k))))))
>
> maybe its cause i want things to end properly. and i don't have faith that they will. i don't think that they will. what will happen is that people will go and i'll just fade in their mind in thier perception i'll be nothing and yet from my perspective i'll still be there trapped forever alone.
>
I know, I know.I won't forget you though. You know I won't.
Even if I don't post much because I feel like I need to make some connections IRL too instead of on the Boards, it doesn't mean I don't think about you and care.
And I have a pretty thick skin you know so be bithchy all you want, you're still special_K to me. :-)
Posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 14:45:08
In reply to Re: being a bitch again... » special_k, posted by cricket on March 30, 2006, at 8:15:46
((((cricket))))
i got my period :-(
i won't ever forget you. i hope things are going well for you irl. i think it is good to meet people irl too. but i guess i'll always be here... or an email away anyways :-)
Posted by Damos on March 30, 2006, at 16:16:50
In reply to Re: being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 7:19:16
((((((special_k)))))
I will not forget you - could not
:-(
:-(
:-(You have created safe spaces in which I could just *be* and there is no greater gift one person can give to another.
People love
People care about
People miss
You.I'm sorry it hurts so much. I'm sorry you're scared.
You and your friendship are incredibly precious to me.
((((((((((special_k))))))))))
Posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 19:41:43
In reply to Re: being a bitch again... » special_k, posted by Damos on March 30, 2006, at 16:16:50
thanks damos.
((((damos))))
i won't forget you either. I won't. i promise.
i feel horrible today but it has turned into the physical ache of my period. yuk. supposed to be taking vitamin b tablets to try and help with that. it really does affect me... imean i go down on these dives a bit anyway... but that time... is fairly much guaranteed to bring one on.ugh.
ugh.
damn it it is half past 12 and i need to do some work...
might not go in today... people will be going out drinking tonight and i don't want to go.
i want to get some work done and start feeling good about myself on that score again.
i do go off rather :-(
sometimes...
i wish i was different...
and othertimes...
i think maybe what it is is that other people wishing i was different...
feels like i'm unacceptable as i am and they are wishing the body dead.
or something.
i dunno.things all get mixed up...
so very many strong urges strong feelings
i think that is my worst enemy really
the strength of it all
if they weren't as intense then i would find it easier to put them to the side and continue on with what i *know* i shuold be doing...
to continue on with what i *know* i should be saying / not saying.
but it gets intense and at the time i think i don't give a f*ck i don't give a f*ck
'cause the intensity is so much i can't imagine anything being different anyway.
then i guess i do stuff i regret later (get to arguing with people or something)and the shocks don't seem to be helping...
or maybe they are...
'cause i did stop.
but maybe i would have stopped anyway.
i was careful even before getting blocked - wasn't i?
i'm not more careful now than i used to be am i?
i may have learned some stuff... but blocks didn't really facilitate that did htey?
but it isn't about me anyway
it is about other people
and protecting them from me
or somethingand i should just shut the f*ck up and go and do some work.
Posted by susan47 on April 19, 2006, at 10:50:31
In reply to being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 29, 2006, at 4:56:23
I'm so tired, today, and I want to call you by the name I first knew you by .. but anyway Special_k (WHY do I have so much trouble with that? agh) anyway ... just cannot read the rest of this thread ... but this first post, here, when you feel this way hon', when you feel this way .. you said this ...
"...sometimes stuff comes up. and clash of the issues. story of my life too. and what to do... i don't know. if only i didn't have feelings or if only they weren't so intense there probably wouldn't be so much of a problem. but when needs conflict.and they do.
and conflict... seems to follow me around though that can't be right and it must be me creating it. and somewhere along the lines somewhere into it the issue gets lost anyway and everyone is just mad and i don't know what i'm doing why i'm doing what i'm doing just watch myself doing it and maybe it is about getting others to hate me as much as i hate myself and maybe that is it. 'cause i don't know but people hurt and it isn't safe it isn't safe and i feel scared. ..."
And special_k I just really wanted to let you know I know exactly, but exactly what you are saying .. on some level I do understand in my own way .. how weird and crazy it all is ... and you have to plow through, you HAVE to find the person or the THING .. make it a thing, if you can, because people just cannot deal with the weirdness of it .. and you KNOW it's weird, but you have to act it out ... because it isn't, it IS NOT YOU, it's the weirdness in all of them, everyone, and especially those things you did not understand, things that were too much for your little brain, your psyche cannot be ready before it's time ... the world doesn't understand that, and little psyches are constantly being stepped onto ... find a thing, a THING, maybe, connected in some way to some person .. I was lucky. THe police didn't knock on my door, no "friendly" call was made to warn me I was acting insane and I better stop because this person was afraid of me .. and maybe he was, and maybe I was an inconvenience and I really pissed him off and he HATED me sometimes, maybe he resented the hell out of me but he was usually more civil than I was .. sometimes he was extremely personally hurtful, but then so was I, in some of the things I let myself spew .. but I let myself, and somehow the world hasn't fallen apart yet .. it might, but I'm on a personal journey to be the best I can which means I had to let go of a whole shitload of other people's (read parents, okay?) crap. But if you have to be a little weird and live a little weirdness, remember that in the end you're a lot stronger than all the garbage that's being denied in everyone else .. you're brave and tough enough to work it through knowing, KNOWING that the YOU inside, there, underneath everyone else's crap, is absolutely awesome, strong, and beautiful.
(((Special_k)))
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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