Posted by susan47 on April 19, 2006, at 10:50:31
In reply to being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 29, 2006, at 4:56:23
I'm so tired, today, and I want to call you by the name I first knew you by .. but anyway Special_k (WHY do I have so much trouble with that? agh) anyway ... just cannot read the rest of this thread ... but this first post, here, when you feel this way hon', when you feel this way .. you said this ...
"...sometimes stuff comes up. and clash of the issues. story of my life too. and what to do... i don't know. if only i didn't have feelings or if only they weren't so intense there probably wouldn't be so much of a problem. but when needs conflict.and they do.
and conflict... seems to follow me around though that can't be right and it must be me creating it. and somewhere along the lines somewhere into it the issue gets lost anyway and everyone is just mad and i don't know what i'm doing why i'm doing what i'm doing just watch myself doing it and maybe it is about getting others to hate me as much as i hate myself and maybe that is it. 'cause i don't know but people hurt and it isn't safe it isn't safe and i feel scared. ..."
And special_k I just really wanted to let you know I know exactly, but exactly what you are saying .. on some level I do understand in my own way .. how weird and crazy it all is ... and you have to plow through, you HAVE to find the person or the THING .. make it a thing, if you can, because people just cannot deal with the weirdness of it .. and you KNOW it's weird, but you have to act it out ... because it isn't, it IS NOT YOU, it's the weirdness in all of them, everyone, and especially those things you did not understand, things that were too much for your little brain, your psyche cannot be ready before it's time ... the world doesn't understand that, and little psyches are constantly being stepped onto ... find a thing, a THING, maybe, connected in some way to some person .. I was lucky. THe police didn't knock on my door, no "friendly" call was made to warn me I was acting insane and I better stop because this person was afraid of me .. and maybe he was, and maybe I was an inconvenience and I really pissed him off and he HATED me sometimes, maybe he resented the hell out of me but he was usually more civil than I was .. sometimes he was extremely personally hurtful, but then so was I, in some of the things I let myself spew .. but I let myself, and somehow the world hasn't fallen apart yet .. it might, but I'm on a personal journey to be the best I can which means I had to let go of a whole shitload of other people's (read parents, okay?) crap. But if you have to be a little weird and live a little weirdness, remember that in the end you're a lot stronger than all the garbage that's being denied in everyone else .. you're brave and tough enough to work it through knowing, KNOWING that the YOU inside, there, underneath everyone else's crap, is absolutely awesome, strong, and beautiful.
(((Special_k)))
poster:susan47
thread:625944
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060331/msgs/634772.html