Posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 7:19:16
In reply to Re: being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 7:09:59
and it's crazy. 'cause sometimes what i think i most want is to vanish. if only i am quiet enough then i'll just fade away and fade out of existence. and sometimes that is what i most want.
then othertimes i'm f*cking terrified that that is happening to me. that i am vanishing. that i am fading out of existence. and i'm so scared.
maybe its cause i want things to end properly. and i don't have faith that they will. i don't think that they will. what will happen is that people will go and i'll just fade in their mind in thier perception i'll be nothing and yet from my perspective i'll still be there trapped forever alone.
like i was. and it felt like forever. it did. and i haven't managed to get away yet because sometimes something happens and i find i'm back where i was before. and sometimes nothing happens but i still find i'm back there again. and when i am there there isn't any way out and i can't get out and nobody notices or cares and i'm there forever and there isn't any hope because the body just won't give up.
:-(
and i get like this sometimes... quite a lot i guess. only once i'm out of it i seem to forget. but once i'm sinking i only remember being there i only remember that and it is so hard and i feel so scared.
:-(
spinning...
but there is nothing to be done
and there it is.it will pass.
mostly... i've got the hang of that.
but it will come back.
i mean lets be realistic... i've got the hang of that too.
and so i just spin along round and round.
and...
thats life i guess. my life. and sometimes when i get kind of relentless and out of control i guess maybe its cause if people hate me then at least they are acknowledging my existence. and i make a difference in some way even if it is a horrible one and they wish me dead.
they just get how i feel i guess.
how i feel about me.i don't know. just talking.
poster:special_k
thread:625944
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060125/msgs/626476.html