Posted by special_k on March 29, 2006, at 5:40:05
In reply to being a bitch again..., posted by special_k on March 29, 2006, at 4:56:23
and who knows what the f*ck that was about and what is going on.
sigh.
i think i was a good kid. good but i used to get scared. when people would fight. and when there was electricity in the air because of the storms. but sometimes i think i was a bit... maybe relentless even then. maybe not relentless just bubbly or something and then it would come as a short sharp shock. and i think it shocked it out of me. i remember hiding a lot. and following my dad around chattering to him. at him. something.
then the short sharp shocks became longer... and more deeply painful than sharp. and it didn't seem to matter what i did they couldn't be avoided. and so i... i don't know that i changed my behaviour much to come into line because it didn't seem like anything i did affected the shocks. but i guess i was hanging my head in general and waiting for the inevitable.
then when i got older... the shocks were coming anyway so i remember sometimes i knew my behaviour was going to bring one on. i mean i guess i sort of figured that if my mother got in a bad mood i'd get punished. and there were things guaranteed to get her in one of those. anything requiring money for example. i remember taking a good couple months to work up the courage to ask her if i could have a bra. and the inevitable shame... the shame... because she was not happy. and when i got my period. another added expense. and so on. and i'd get punished (allegedly for somehting else). whatever.
but i think i was good. i think i was. i tried. but i tried harder for my dad. to be quiet so very quiet... if i was invisible and weightless he couldn't object to my being around - could he? yeah. he could.
but at school i guess i got to be a bit of a pain.
i don't know. raving really. all these hurts. and what to do with them? and what happened to the facade. be good. be good. follow the rules. be polite. it makes no difference what i do. he left anyway. didn't matter that i was good. didn't matter that i was practically non-existent. he left anyway. i didn't know what to do.
i hate him now. took so long... but i hate him now. i remember back and he was oblivious to me. i didn't matter to him. he didn't hardly notice me. he didn't care. didn't want me to hate him sure. he always was a coward. stand by and let her beat me. one for the team or something.
and now. rage. what are you supposed to do with that? just another thing to do when nothing you do really makes any difference anyway because the end result in inevitable. shocks and then the person goes. that is life. that is my life. and everything else is just the stuff... between that. apparantly when you get in certain moods you tend to remember times past... well i remember times past...
and you know sometimes it hurts too much.
and sometimes i think human beings are really rather horrible animals. about as vile as they come. and evolution took a twisted path and we are going to kill the planet game over. evolution took a twisted path and we have got to have been the biggest mistake in billions and billions and billions of years. too short sighted. or something. mother nature is myopic and so are we.
and we just go around hurting each other and trying to self destruct only the body is so resilient and it won't let go
poster:special_k
thread:625944
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060125/msgs/625948.html