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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Partlycloudy on January 5, 2009, at 16:11:58
In reply to My anxiety ) PartlyCloudy, posted by Kath on January 5, 2009, at 14:39:55
(((((Kath)))))
Oh, sweetie, I wish there was a way I could separate you from your very real concerns for your son. I think it's so much harder having him under your roof - it's all the more Here and Now and he's not able to own his own mistakes and victories (if that makes any sense).
If you're able to get to any Al-Anon groups you might find some peace of mind and ease some of your anxiety. I can just about feel your anticipation of problems that haven't yet happened, remembering past issues, and there's your son, kind of trapped somewhere between his past and uncertain future.
I'm eating again, though having a tenuous relationship with the kitchen! Not really up to cooking. Husband not happy with the various work arounds (frozen packets of food are appalling to his used-to-fresh and healthy mentality), yet his own cooking skills are, well, um... not helpful! So still a challenge. I'm getting my money's worth from my therapist, I can tell you. AND a workout from our insurance plan.
Kath, I hope you find a way to refocus your energies on yourself and your own needs and let your son make his own movements, whether up or down, in his life. So hard to do with him living with you - it's never far from your immediate attention. But if you're not keeping yourself in top emotional shape, then I think (armchair critic and no science involved in this idea at all) the whole house's energy comes down, setting it up for a fall.
What do you think?
with affection,
pc
Posted by Kath on January 5, 2009, at 16:35:51
In reply to Re: My anxiety ) PartlyCloudy » Kath, posted by Partlycloudy on January 5, 2009, at 16:11:58
You're right PC. I'm going to try to make myself go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. My friend just phoned & told me of one.
My son went out for a smoke break around4:15 & had a sort of melt-down. Didn't have his phone with him; walked a block to pay phone; phoned me; said he couldn't go back inside - could I come & get him.
So I did - meanwhile he didn't go back in the restaurant! Jeezus.
So I called his boss, said [xxxx] had had a panic attack (that's basically what it was) he tried to walk it off, but it didn't work; he didn't want to come back into the restaurant like that. That he was really upset, because he really likes his job; that I was taking him to the doctor.
His boss was really nice.
Now what to say to boss? Son is going to meet his friend & talk to him about it.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
You're right about everything PC.
thx so much for your support; I need it.
So sorry about your food situation PC.
I'll talk more later hun.
thx so much
Kath
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 5, 2009, at 16:54:41
In reply to It happened :-( » Partlycloudy, posted by Kath on January 5, 2009, at 16:35:51
I'm sorry, Kath. I really feel that you have been carrying a lot of the anxieties on behalf of your son and it's been delaying the inevitable. (You could say that I went through a similar route with my step daughter - the harder I worked and worried, the less she was able to perform and do it herself.)
Question: do you think he has a substance abuse problem, and does he think so? If he's doing the stuff sporadically and not taking medications consistently, then I can believe that he'd be in a panic almost every day without taking *something*, whether prescribed or not, to keep his moods in check. I think at some level this is about denial about what the issues really are.
(((((Kath)))) BTW I think he's the one who has to talk to the boss, NOT you. How old is he? Not a teenager, not disabled? But you are willing to do this uncomfortable (and maybe embarrassing) assignment on his behalf. (I am shaking my head in my Tough Love stance.)
much love to you.
Posted by Kath on January 5, 2009, at 20:25:40
In reply to Re: It happened :-( » Kath, posted by Partlycloudy on January 5, 2009, at 16:54:41
> I'm sorry, Kath. I really feel that you have been carrying a lot of the anxieties on behalf of your son and it's been delaying the inevitable. (You could say that I went through a similar route with my step daughter - the harder I worked and worried, the less she was able to perform and do it herself.)
~ ~ ~ I think you're right PC. Classic case of codependent behaviour. Sigh. ~ ~
> Question: do you think he has a substance abuse problem, and does he think so?
~ ~ I do, yes. He doesn't. Well, I guess he knows he has a problem that he's keeping under control with cocaine & somewhat under control with K(ketamine). He did the Info session at the local addiction services organization & has had his first appointment. It was in early Dec. & they couldn't schedule his next one until this coming Friday. So that meant all during the holidays without an appontment. Not great. I don't think he views using drugs to feel better as a drug problem! I think he views getting into debt because of it, or using large amounts alone, as a drug problem. Nevertheless, he's going to A.S. I pointed out to him that part of the treatment there would be to help him learn other coping methods & skills he seemed to accept that that was good.
>If he's doing the stuff sporadically and not taking medications consistently, then I can believe that he'd be in a panic almost every day without taking *something*, whether prescribed or not, to keep his moods in check. I think at some level this is about denial about what the issues really are.
~ ~ ~ I agree PC. My husband & I were discussing it tonight. The top layer is substance abuse and/or substance mis-use - as in self-medicating. A layer below, is depression. A layer below is a LOT of things that have happened over the past years. A layer below is some fairly heavy-duty damage done by his biological father, particularly around the ages of 3 - 5. Then, of course, there's the 2 years ago diagnosis of schizophrenia & subsequent medication for it. He's now on 3 mg risperidone/day & 1 mg clonazepam (sp?) to help sleep. I had wondered about the clon. given his drug history. I guess it's not the type that he uses, as he doesn't abuse it.
> (((((Kath)))) BTW I think he's the one who has to talk to the boss, NOT you. How old is he? Not a teenager, not disabled? But you are willing to do this uncomfortable (and maybe embarrassing) assignment on his behalf. (I am shaking my head in my Tough Love stance.)
~ ~ Thank you for your above comments AND hugs. The hugs allow me to hear the rest & know it's coming from a loving, kind, accepting place! And therefore to actually hear them & even have a tiny tiny smile. Thanks PC. I think - to go back to your original comments, I've been trying do what I can to help him be successful at keeping this job. He really did like it & his boss. DH & I are of the belief that if son hadn't done drugs, he would have been much more able to handle the stress that certain parts of the job caused for him. As it stands now, I don't see how he can keep it. He is sort of a mess & doesn't seem to believe that he can lead a normal life. That's what he was saying earlier anyway, but then again, he's in the 'depression/down' stage that happens after he's been using drugs. Pretty darned sad situation. I'm saying sad, but I'm also mad & fed up & just want it to be over (& know it's far from over).
Had a talk with DH. At least he is a support for me. It's really hard for both of us. We hate it.
> much love to you.
~ ~ Thanks PC - your support if appreciated more than I can say. I feel pretty stupid. I seem to go through the same stuff over & over. It's embarrassing.
I had spent so much time talking with DH I didn't go to the Al-Anon meeting. I just needed to have some down time cozily at home. Tomorrow I go to a Cognitive Behaviour Therapy introductory meeting with the Family support group of my son's mental health association.
((((((((((((((back to you PC)))))))))))))))))))
luv, Kath
Posted by fayeroe on January 5, 2009, at 22:08:02
In reply to It happened :-( » Partlycloudy, posted by Kath on January 5, 2009, at 16:35:51
> You're right PC. I'm going to try to make myself go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. My friend just phoned & told me of one.
Al-Anon was my lifeline, Kath. I went religiously and finally I got the message of not being able to change someone else..I had to change.
>
> My son went out for a smoke break around4:15 & had a sort of melt-down. Didn't have his phone with him; walked a block to pay phone; phoned me; said he couldn't go back inside - could I come & get him.
>
> So I did - meanwhile he didn't go back in the restaurant! Jeezus.
>
> So I called his boss, said [xxxx] had had a panic attack (that's basically what it was) he tried to walk it off, but it didn't work; he didn't want to come back into the restaurant like that. That he was really upset, because he really likes his job; that I was taking him to the doctor.Try letting [xxxx] make his own phone calls. I know this is very hard and I'm guilty of doing it for my kids. But if we keep doing it, they'll be 70 and we'll be 95 and still making calls for them.
>
> His boss was really nice.
>
> Now what to say to boss? Son is going to meet his friend & talk to him about it.Let [xxxx] talk to boss. It is his job. Does your son have a sponsor?
>
> I don't know.Kath, I can hear the fear and exhaustion in your voice. Please call an Al-Anon member and talk to her/him and if you can, make that meeting.
>
> I just don't know.This is one of the hardest things that you'll ever do, but I believe that you can do it.
>
> You're right about everything PC.
>
> thx so much for your support; I need it.
>
> So sorry about your food situation PC.
>
> I'll talk more later hun.
>
> thx so much
>
> Kath{{{{{{Kath}}}}} xoxoxo Pat
Posted by fayeroe on January 5, 2009, at 22:14:31
In reply to Re: It happened :-( {{Kath}} » Kath, posted by fayeroe on January 5, 2009, at 22:08:02
One thing about Al-Anon that I liked/hated was that a complete stranger could look across the table at me and tell me that I was full of **** and I took it. I was always full of excuses about why the kids did/didn't do this or that.
When I realized that what I thought was killing me hadn't killed other parents, I was able to calm down, step back and come up with a plan. And not with the kid...one without them that was set in concrete and THEN we discussed it.
Remember this, dear one, you never have to explain your decisions concerning your well being to a child who lives in your house. Your house, your rules.
Love ya, Pat
Posted by fayeroe on January 6, 2009, at 11:05:54
In reply to My anxiety ) PartlyCloudy, posted by Kath on January 5, 2009, at 14:39:55
How goes things? And most importantly, how go you? Let us know. xoxoxo Pat
Posted by Kath on January 6, 2009, at 11:17:31
In reply to Re: It happened :-( {{Kath}} » Kath, posted by fayeroe on January 5, 2009, at 22:08:02
>I had to change.
~ ~ I know I have to change. I want to change & become strongly grounded. To be strong & full in my OWN self & in my own life.
~ ~ I made that one phone call. I made the decision last night that I won't make more. I find it appalling that he might not phone to let his boss know that he can't continue. I find it appalling that he can't keep this job, which he loved. Part of me knows it's all HIS thing. That's the part that I have to strengthen & tune in to.>Does your son have a sponsor?
~ ~ No. He doesn't. He doesn't go to a 12 step program. He has had his first appointment with a local Substance Abuse organization, but his goal isn't abstinence, unfortunately.
> Kath, I can hear the fear and exhaustion in your voice. Please call an Al-Anon member and talk to her/him and if you can, make that meeting.
~ ~ Yes - fear & exhaustion & bleakness. I didn't make the meeting because my husband & I talked for a long time after he got home. I'm going to find out today when there's a meeting in my own town. That one was the next town. Tonight I'm going to a CBT Intro meeting a few minutes away from me. It's through the mental health association family group for young people with schizophrenia/bi-polar/drug problems etc. The people are very nice & supportive & it's just moved back to my town. I found it too much of a hurdle to travel to it when they'd moved it to the next town.
> This is one of the hardest things that you'll ever do, but I believe that you can do it.~ ~ What part? Going to Al-Anon & re-building my mind-set to those kind of thoughts? Just not sure what you're referring to. :-)
> {{{{{{Kath}}}}} xoxoxo Pat
~ ~ Thanks Pat. You're very kind. I feel like a 'bad kid' because I already know some of these things. I think I'm just very worn down. I appreciate your support & kindness & thank you for taking the time & energy of talking with me.
luv, Kath
Posted by Kath on January 6, 2009, at 11:22:26
In reply to Re: My anxiety ) PartlyCloudy, posted by fayeroe on January 6, 2009, at 11:05:54
> How goes things? And most importantly, how go you? Let us know. xoxoxo Pat
Oh Pat - thank you.
I wish I lived near! I'd say - Oh Pat - can I come over; I need a hug. :-)
I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm drinking water & eating - well gotta do better in that area - all I've had is an orange.
This is a hard day. I had a good sleep though. Just talked with my son's mental health worker for support for me. She's our family worker actually. Thank God for her.
I'm trying to have as healthy thoughts as possible. And to think things like "this too shall pass".
Thanks for being here for me. Kath
Posted by fayeroe on January 6, 2009, at 12:13:55
In reply to Re: My anxiety ) PartlyCloudy » fayeroe, posted by Kath on January 6, 2009, at 11:22:26
> > How goes things? And most importantly, how go you? Let us know. xoxoxo Pat
>
> Oh Pat - thank you.
>
> I wish I lived near! I'd say - Oh Pat - can I come over; I need a hug. :-)You can have hundreds of hugs. I'd give you all of those that I received during my "teen nightmares" and more! And sour cream cookies and Stash Earl Grey tea.
>
> I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm drinking water & eating - well gotta do better in that area - all I've had is an orange.An orange isn't enough, my dear. Protein, protein, protein and some carbs.
>
> This is a hard day. I had a good sleep though. Just talked with my son's mental health worker for support for me. She's our family worker actually. Thank God for her.You need her. I'm glad that that resource is available..there really isn't anyone like that in Oklahoma. We have them in Texas though.
>
> I'm trying to have as healthy thoughts as possible. And to think things like "this too shall pass".
>
> Thanks for being here for me. KathAlways, Pat
Where were you at your son's age?
Posted by fayeroe on January 6, 2009, at 12:21:46
In reply to Re: It happened :-( {{Kath}} » fayeroe, posted by Kath on January 6, 2009, at 11:17:31
> >I had to change.
>
> ~ ~ I know I have to change. I want to change & become strongly grounded. To be strong & full in my OWN self & in my own life.Change is hard but the results are so nice.
>
> ~ ~ I made that one phone call. I made the decision last night that I won't make more. I find it appalling that he might not phone to let his boss know that he can't continue. I find it appalling that he can't keep this job, which he loved. Part of me knows it's all HIS thing. That's the part that I have to strengthen & tune in to.I recommend that you tell your son that you will not make one more call for him about anything. Loving a job doesn't mean you can keep it if you are "maintaining with cocaine". There will be other jobs. I suspect that he would not have kept this one much longer. These are life lessons for him. You've already learned yours. It is his turn now!
>
> >Does your son have a sponsor?
>
> ~ ~ No. He doesn't. He doesn't go to a 12 step program. He has had his first appointment with a local Substance Abuse organization, but his goal isn't abstinence, unfortunately.I have to say this, Kath, until this manchild knows that you will refuse to shovel up his messes, he doesn't have to abstain from anything.
>
> > Kath, I can hear the fear and exhaustion in your voice. Please call an Al-Anon member and talk to her/him and if you can, make that meeting.
>
> ~ ~ Yes - fear & exhaustion & bleakness. I didn't make the meeting because my husband & I talked for a long time after he got home. I'm going to find out today when there's a meeting in my own town. That one was the next town. Tonight I'm going to a CBT Intro meeting a few minutes away from me. It's through the mental health association family group for young people with schizophrenia/bi-polar/drug problems etc. The people are very nice & supportive & it's just moved back to my town. I found it too much of a hurdle to travel to it when they'd moved it to the next town.Great news on the group moving back! Go everytime the door opens! Like my sisters go to church. :-)
>
>
> > This is one of the hardest things that you'll ever do, but I believe that you can do it.
>
> ~ ~ What part? Going to Al-Anon & re-building my mind-set to those kind of thoughts? Just not sure what you're referring to. :-)You will be able to drop the co-dependency and focus upon yourself and your life. You will see your son make his own choices and face the consequences and you will not lose sleep and serenity over it!!!
>
> > {{{{{{Kath}}}}} xoxoxo Pat
>
> ~ ~ Thanks Pat. You're very kind. I feel like a 'bad kid' because I already know some of these things. I think I'm just very worn down. I appreciate your support & kindness & thank you for taking the time & energy of talking with me.You aren't a bad kid. You're a mom who is tied in knots by a child who knows how to work you. It happens to lots and lots of parents worldwide. Right now, somewhere, someone else is pulling their hair out and screaming, "why me?" :-)
>
> luv, Kath
Posted by Phillipa on January 6, 2009, at 13:04:57
In reply to Re: It happened :-( {{Kath}} » Kath, posted by fayeroe on January 6, 2009, at 12:21:46
Kath sorry just found this so late to respond. Is Son on his scheduled meds as that would be a factor also. Only in my experience I've seen the mental illness take over irreguardless of cause and the person stops prescribed meds and substitutes with illegal ones. I worry about that aspect too. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Love Phillipa
Posted by Kath on January 7, 2009, at 10:13:22
In reply to Re: My anxiety ) PartlyCloudy » Kath, posted by fayeroe on January 6, 2009, at 12:13:55
>
> You can have hundreds of hugs. I'd give you all of those that I received during my "teen nightmares" and more! And sour cream cookies and Stash Earl Grey tea.~ ~ oh that'd be nice :-)
> An orange isn't enough, my dear. Protein, protein, protein and some carbs.~ ~ It's SO hard for me eat when I'm upset. I think that stems from CSA. Anyway, I just realized that I have a big jar of mixed nuts & dried fruit & I think I could manage to nibble at that during the day. I always find it odd that while so many people eat a lot if they're upset, I find it very hard to eat.
> You need her. I'm glad that that resource is available..there really isn't anyone like that in Oklahoma. We have them in Texas though.~ ~ Were you in Oklahoma during those hard years? Pointless to wish, but I wish it was over at the end of teens...my son is almost 25!
> Always, Pat
>
> Where were you at your son's age?Oh, I had a steady job; had lived & worked in England for a few months but had to come home due to my Mom being sick with cancer. I didn't really get into partying & drugs & stuff. Used pot & hash a little bit for a while. Tried LSD twice. Didn't really drink. My life was totally different from his, so it's not as though I can think, "well, I got through it".
How are you doing Pat? I am so self-absorbed! Sorry I didn't even ask you before.
luv, Kath
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 7, 2009, at 10:56:58
In reply to Hard to eat when I'm upset » fayeroe, posted by Kath on January 7, 2009, at 10:13:22
My therapist encouraged me to go liquid and cold or cool when I suddenly developed eating difficulties recently associated with my PTSD (stemming from my own CSA junk). For me that meant not attempting to chew and swallow - it meant sipping through a straw.
So I stocked up on protein shakes at the health food store (better variety than at the grocery store); full fat yogurt, puddings and jellos, and all the junk food, to get the salts, fats, and proteins, anything to increase the caloric intake, that I could tolerate. It turned out that soups with saltine crackers turned the trick for me (and that mac and cheese).
Snacking was pretty key. Having something in my handbag at all times, just like a mom would have for a fussy toddler to quiet them down.
Don't know if those ideas help, but thought I'd put 'em out there. I'm slowly getting better, in fits and starts. Take each day as it comes. Put yourself first, Kath. Absolutely, you are the highest priority.
(((((Kath)))))
Posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2009, at 11:09:56
In reply to Hard to eat when I'm upset » fayeroe, posted by Kath on January 7, 2009, at 10:13:22
> >
> > You can have hundreds of hugs. I'd give you all of those that I received during my "teen nightmares" and more! And sour cream cookies and Stash Earl Grey tea.
>
> ~ ~ oh that'd be nice :-)
> > An orange isn't enough, my dear. Protein, protein, protein and some carbs.
>
> ~ ~ It's SO hard for me eat when I'm upset. I think that stems from CSA. Anyway, I just realized that I have a big jar of mixed nuts & dried fruit & I think I could manage to nibble at that during the day. I always find it odd that while so many people eat a lot if they're upset, I find it very hard to eat.I understand about eating. I might eat one meal a day...sometimes only a smoothie. Part of it is finances but the major reason is that I'm not hungry.
The dried fruit and nuts are really good for us. You can be lost somewhere and have that and water and survive for ages.
Remember to stay hydrated!! Very important. I forget to drink water. It even helps us mentally to stay "wet".
> > You need her. I'm glad that that resource is available..there really isn't anyone like that in Oklahoma. We have them in Texas though.
>
> ~ ~ Were you in Oklahoma during those hard years? Pointless to wish, but I wish it was over at the end of teens...my son is almost 25!Yes, we were in Oklahoma during the crazy years. Two on pot, one on speed and one on both speed and pot. (We weren't aware at first about that stuff) Then "graduated" to other things and that is when the whip started cracking and the realization sank in that being irresponsible meant no home, no money and no car.
Our youngest dauaghter's counselor got her to run off with him to Kansas and we followed them and got his license yanked FOREVER. He was prosecuted also by the law. She was underage. 16. He worked for a halfway house, part time, and we got that license revoked also. It was hell!
But, you just plant your feet solidly on the ground and decide how much of your life are you going to continue to give to these kids and how much will you keep. You gave birth, you nursed them and clothed and changed diapers and so it went for years. Turning them loose is the next step. At 25, he's an adult. He KNOWS he has it made right now.
>
> > Always, Pat
> >
> > Where were you at your son's age?
>
> Oh, I had a steady job; had lived & worked in England for a few months but had to come home due to my Mom being sick with cancer. I didn't really get into partying & drugs & stuff. Used pot & hash a little bit for a while. Tried LSD twice. Didn't really drink. My life was totally different from his, so it's not as though I can think, "well, I got through it".Using the fact that your life was different from his is no excuse for his behavior now. My life was different than my kids and look how they behaved. Their "babydaddy" rejected them when he met his second wife and her daughter. They were molested. We are the adults. Your child isn't going to become an adult if you don't facilitate his taking responsibility for his life. Frequently, mostly, it is a painful thing. I pretty much believe in "no pain, no gain". It killed us to do what we did for the children. Made them grow up! Then, we came alive again. :-) We just drummed up the resolve and did it. Al-Anon was a huge factor in realizing that we could not live their lives.
>
> How are you doing Pat? I am so self-absorbed! Sorry I didn't even ask you before.I'm okay. Not working and still fighting depression 24/7. Pain is better since I started on the Buspar. I'm getting by. Lonely as hell. I realized last night that I have 6 friends. Three in Texas and three in Oklahoma. A nephew and his wife in Arkansas that are becoming close and that makes me very happy.
Enough of that.
How are things today with son?
xoxo pat
>
> luv, Kath
>
>
Posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2009, at 11:12:28
In reply to Re: Hard to eat when I'm upset » Kath, posted by Partlycloudy on January 7, 2009, at 10:56:58
Posted by Kath on January 7, 2009, at 11:34:42
In reply to Re: It happened :-( {{Kath}}, posted by Phillipa on January 6, 2009, at 13:04:57
Hi Phillipa,
He's pretty regular with his meds. He might go a couple of days without taking them. He might tend to not take them on the weekend.
From attending the Parent Group, this seems to be way more regular than a lot of the other kids/young adults.
I don't know how much effect a couple of days off would make.
Thanks Phillipa xoxo Kath
Posted by Kath on January 7, 2009, at 11:38:34
In reply to Re: Hard to eat when I'm upset » Kath, posted by Partlycloudy on January 7, 2009, at 10:56:58
Thanks PC - for me it would be room temp because I don't like anything cold - especially now when it's cold & snowy outside & I tend to feel cold when I'm upset.
I'm going to make a huge 'smoothie' & be sure to have a jar of that on hand & will buy some of those liquid nutrition drinks.
I appreciate the suggestions for sure.
And I am soothed by the support.
luv, Kath
Posted by Kath on January 7, 2009, at 12:25:58
In reply to Re: Hard to eat when I'm upset » Kath, posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2009, at 11:09:56
Dear Pat, Sorry about the finances. Will you be going back to your job, or is it finished?
I am truly sorry about your depression & pain. Lonely is a horrible feeling. I have about 4 quite good friends. I have a few people who are more like acquaintances (they might think they're friends). I am very fortunate to have my husband.
Re eating - I also don't get hungry. But I'm so used to that. It's not really a factor in me not eating.
> I understand about eating. I might eat one meal a day...sometimes only a smoothie. Part of it is finances but the major reason is that I'm not hungry.
I've gotten out the nuts/fruit & am also going to put a bag of it in my purse as PC suggested.
Thx for the reminder about water! I have a terrible time making myself drink it. My daughter is always reminding me about water.
> Yes, we were in Oklahoma during the crazy years. Two on pot, one on speed and one on both speed and pot.~ ~ Just having one to deal with - That must have been really 'crazy-making' for you.
> Then "graduated" to other things and that is when the whip started cracking and the realization sank in that being irresponsible meant no home, no money and no car.
~ ~ ~ I think my very biggest fear is of him being homeless. There have been about 3 times when he was. Each time was harder for me. I really don't know if I could get through it again. I'm afraid I'd start thinking bad thoughts about the only way to endure it would be not to.
~ ~ I'm very sorry about what happened to your daughter & I am glad you were able to have the law deal with her counsellor. What a horrible thing to happen; especially given the whole scenario that you were dealing with. (((you)))
> But, you just plant your feet solidly on the ground and decide how much of your life are you going to continue to give to these kids and how much will you keep.
~ ~ that seems to be the hard part for me right now. Being winter & dealing with SAD depression & feeling immobilized, it's hard for me to get STRONG & even look at my own life. My own life feels right now like just existing; just getting through one day & then the next. I guess it's like that for a lot of us.
You gave birth, you nursed them and clothed and changed diapers and so it went for years. Turning them loose is the next step. At 25, he's an adult. He KNOWS he has it made right now.
~ ~ The part that makes it harder for me is that he has schizophrenia. Before that surfaced, I found it easier to do the Tough Love thing. I found it hell when the T.L. led to him being on the streets though.
> Using the fact that your life was different from his is no excuse for his behavior now.
~ ~ Oh no. It certainly isn't. If anything, it feels the opposite.
> We are the adults. Your child isn't going to become an adult if you don't facilitate his taking responsibility for his life. Frequently, mostly, it is a painful thing. I pretty much believe in "no pain, no gain". It killed us to do what we did for the children. Made them grow up! Then, we came alive again. :-) We just drummed up the resolve and did it. Al-Anon was a huge factor in realizing that we could not live their lives.~ ~ I hope I can find an Al-Anon during the daytime in my town. It is a huge struggle for me to go out at night. I did go last night to the family support group. Got some handouts for CBT & actually used one sheet last night to get from a 90% emotion about something, down to a 60%.
> A nephew and his wife in Arkansas that are becoming close and that makes me very happy.
>
> Enough of that.
>
> How are things today with son?~ ~ He's still sleeping (he is in the rec room in the basement). I know that my IRL 'friend'-who- always-tells-me-what-to-do-&-what-not-to-do-&-why would tell me to wake him up. If I do that, I encounter whatever mood he's in. I think I'm having enough trouble just dealing with existing without adding that in.
I don't know if he ended up leaving a message for his boss last night. I won't be making any more calls like that for him.I need to just know that it's OK to feel awful & that 'this too shall pass' etc. I am really not doing well.
My therapist returned my call today & suggested that since my mind is used to worrying & obsessing, I could try a method that sometimes helps people. She said that sometimes the brain gets a certain 'boost' from crisis. She says that if we do things differently - like wear our watch upside down & pick up things with our left hand (if we're right-handed) & go out & come in through the door we usually don't & sit in a different chair from what we usually do - our brain can get a similar kind of 'boost' from the attention that we have to pay to doing these things differently. she says that our brain can interpret the 'boost' from worrying as 'pleasure' & can sort of 'look for it'. It's almost like an addiction - & that we can provide our brain with that 'boost' in other ways. So I'm going to do that. I'm already doing it, sitting differently at the computer. Was typing with different fingers, but it was taking too long! LOL
Anyway, my loving thoughts are with you in your own ongoing challenges Pat. Let me know how you're doing.
love, Kath
Posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2009, at 12:40:24
In reply to Re: Hard to eat when I'm upset » fayeroe, posted by Kath on January 7, 2009, at 12:25:58
It is certainly okay to feel awful about all of this. I did.
Once when my youngest and her best friend busted out of treatment, her best friend's mother was so worried about her jewelry that she hid it in the pinto beans! Here I was looking for the girls and she was worried that they would steal her diamonds. It's funny now but I wanted to bitch slap her that day! :-)
I stil feel awful about some of the stuff that I feel responsible for. I try to not go there but you can't help but wonder if you had "done this, changed that" would it have been different.
It is okay to talk about the bad stuff.
Sounds as if your T has it going on. I'm also going to try that. Maybe my "crisis" mode will ease up a little bit.
love ya, pat
Posted by Kath on January 7, 2009, at 22:48:25
In reply to Re: Hard to eat when I'm upset, posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2009, at 12:40:24
Have talked today about quite a few things with son, including why he does drugs (mainly to cope with feelings & to NOT feel them).
He finally phoned & left a detailed message for boss, including that he had really enjoyed the job & that he was the nicest boss he'd ever had. Son is feeling awful about what he 'did'.
Talked about him getting help, as doing drugs for the rest of his life to NOT feel just wouldn't work.
He's also told his friend that he's interested in working as dishwasher in the restaurant where he works. Thinks that being behind the scenes will be way less stressful for him than dealing directly with the public.
I've also told him that we'll talk details later, but that if he isn't working, he has 2 things that need to be happening - him getting professional help for his underlying problems (some of this is already in place) AND that I need him to be a contributing member in this house. I've outlined some things that I expect him to deal with (ex, keeping the lane shovelled, DH had been doing that) & some other things also.
I think one of the things that had been bothering me the most, was to think of him being here, sleeping all hours, not doing anything at all to help, etc. I feel like I'm taking back some of my 'power'...& I actually feel less depressed now.
Maybe it's that depression being 'anger turned inwards' thing.
I'm still not feeling great, but actually somewhat better.
I still feel like I need support. But I don't feel desparate now.
Thx all.
:-)
Kath
Posted by Kath on January 7, 2009, at 22:53:27
In reply to Re: Hard to eat when I'm upset, posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2009, at 12:40:24
> It is certainly okay to feel awful about all of this. I did.
~~ I don't do very well with feeling awful! LOL I hate physical and mental pain. Well, I can handle some kinds of physical pain ok...mainly not sinus pain! I really do get panicky though with emotional pain.
> I try to not go there but you can't help but wonder if you had "done this, changed that" would it have been different.
~ ~ Yeah - I know what you mean!
> It is okay to talk about the bad stuff.
~ ~ sometimes I feel like I'm just moaning & complaining on & on. it actually helps me to talk about it though. Sort of gets it out I guess.
> Sounds as if your T has it going on. I'm also going to try that. Maybe my "crisis" mode will ease up a little bit.~ ~ She's great! A few times when I was using that method, I actually noticed my mind being 'captured' by the different things I was doing. For ex - I held the steering wheel in a different way! I wore a different coat. I have to try to remember to do that. I'd be glad to have my brain get rid of 'needing' crisis mode!!!
Let me know your experience of it!
>
> love ya, pat~ ~ love ya also Pat & so many thanks. xoxo
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 8, 2009, at 12:12:10
In reply to Feeling somewhat better........, posted by Kath on January 7, 2009, at 22:48:25
Thinking of you today, Kath.
pc
Posted by Kath on January 8, 2009, at 15:31:45
In reply to Re: Feeling somewhat better........ » Kath, posted by Partlycloudy on January 8, 2009, at 12:12:10
Hi Partly,
Thanks for your thoughts. You're in mine every day. How are you doing? How's the eating going? I haven't done well yet today, but am going to make a grilled cheese sandwich right now.
With sliced tomatoe, mustard & green relish :-) Maybe even some lettuce.
This morning, I had 1 piece of toast with butter & solid honey. I also had a whole lot of vitamin pills. And a large mug of herb tea. That was around 10 am. Went out to clean a house with my friend. At around 11:15 or so, I my abdomen was aching & also my actual stomach (higher up) and I felt really nauseated (which is VERY unusual for me) and as if I was going to be sick.
My friend said that she'd been having similar stuff happen & had come to the conclusion that she needed hydrating & to have a little snack. She only takes 3 pills compared to my numerous ones. She thought it was the pills that were making her sick.
If I take pills on an empty stomach I feel sick. Anyway, she'd brought us both a yummy orange & gave me a bottle of water also. I ate & drank, then lied down for about 5 minutes. Sure enough - symptoms all gone!
I was feeling REALLY sick & thought it was the 'bug' back. But it wasn't. I realize I must be very dehydrated & there probably just weren't enough digestive liquids for all those pills!!
So my goal is to drink more water. I know that juice & herb tea counts also. I've heard that even tea & coffee count, but that a cup of them only counts as half a cup of liquid (don't know if that's true or not).
Anyway, that's my little saga.
hugs, Kath
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 8, 2009, at 15:54:50
In reply to Food/vitamins/dehydration/nausea due to dehyd. » Partlycloudy, posted by Kath on January 8, 2009, at 15:31:45
I'm glad that your friend had a rescue plan for you. Lots of supplements on an empty stomach can make me feel really urpy. (That's my official term when you feel nauseous and burpy at the same time, like you aren't sure what might happen!)
I continue to improve on the food front, though the anxiety is still a huge problem. One issue at a time, I guess. Sleep is pretty good. Depression is much better. I hope the calm will eventually follow, though my therapist cautioned that it might be yuck for some time. She's usually spot on with this stuff, almost as if she knows what she's talking about... hmmm....
Remember, sip through a straw if you have trouble swallowing liquids. Somehow, it's easier.
pc
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