![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 18 to 42 of 56. Go back in thread:
Posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 12:20:44
In reply to small comment to add to this »Susan47 » seldomseen, posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 11:11:48
Racer and Susan,
I totally understand the need to have validation about what your T did to you. My T has problems doing this and has offered me to talk to someone else regarding this, at least he is being honest with me that he has trouble doing it because of his own issues.
I was looking for an apology in the beginning, but now I know that will never happen, my T didn't want me to send him a letter yet to my old T, not being able to really vent and have validations from my T about my old T, I felt trapped with those feelings.I had a blog and a posted my poems about what happened and yes I put his name on it. At first it was out of anger, but now it is for justice of what he did to me. I don't plan on contacting the licensing board, it would only hurt me more hearing what he has to say in his defensive stance.
My whole life I had to hide what others did to me, no longer. If my T is upset what I wrote in my poems, well good then, maybe he will change the way he does therapy. So for me I have a way to say what he did, and how it made me feel, and I don't have to hear his b*llsh*t defensive responses to it.I really don't care what others think who happen to read the poems think, let him answer the questions to those who ask, like his wife, family and colleagues who matter to him. I don't need the answers anymore, they don't matter to me, but I won't hide what he did to me.
I have had my part in this I know but.......... even my husband has told me this, It wasn't like a normal relationship where both parties have a part in it, it was a professional relationship. I was paying him to help me, he is suppose to do no harm and act in my best interests, so he has the responsibility of keeping it ethical. I didn't pay him to be seductive towards me, and that certainly didn't help me, it harmed me. So I can understand how you want your money back, I do too, I was paying for a service I am not happy with. Plus you can add the current therapy bill to help me get over the harm he did. So yeah, he does owe me more than an apology.
Posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 12:38:00
In reply to Re: General thoughts on the subject of responsibility » susan47, posted by Racer on August 30, 2008, at 17:48:02
Why am I giving so much more weight to people I *know* to be inadequate, less competent? Why can't I transfer that need for validation to someone I respect so much more?
Racer,
This is a very good question.
Posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 14:00:27
In reply to small comment to add to this »Susan47 » seldomseen, posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 11:11:48
> >
>
> And yet, a T whose negligent disregard of very clear signs of a worsening psychiatric condition leads to severe damage for the client -- is often considered too subjective to investigate.
>
> Sorry -- I went off on one of my tangents again...Not at all.
Posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 14:01:02
In reply to Racer-valadation, posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 12:38:00
It IS a very good question. And again, I think my response might be a little controversial, but just bear with me.
Let's face it. If we all came from validating childhoods most likely none of us would be in the situations we are in.
I think we give a lot of credence to people we shouldn't because they say what we are most comfortable hearing. I suspect we may even seek out the bad sometimes. We are used to it "fitting" with what we think of ourselves. It may be evil, but it's a known evil.
So, here comes someone who seeks to challenge that fit and replace it with what should be there. For me, it was simply a fresh kind of hell.
I kept (keep) reverting to the old tapes that just play and play in my head. It still feels as though I'm just simply "trying it on" sometimes. But not as often as it used to.
It takes work, every single day we have to work to listen only to the people that are saying the right things. We can re-write those tapes.
Seldom.
Posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 14:11:47
In reply to ((((Susan)))) » Racer, posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 12:20:44
> Racer and Susan,
>
> I totally understand the need to have validation about what your T did to you. My T has problems doing this and has offered me to talk to someone else regarding this, at least he is being honest with me that he has trouble doing it because of his own issues.Not much from him and his ego, but at least it was something. The problem is that he may not be honest with himself or with you, actually, because his own issues may not trouble him in the least.
> I was looking for an apology in the beginning, but now I know that will never happen, my T didn't want me to send him a letter yet to my old T, not being able to really vent and have validations from my T about my old T, I felt trapped with those feelings.
>
I just got lost in the logistics of this, sorry .. but an apology from anyone carries an admission of wrongdoing, and that may be too much for an overextended ego to deal with. I think T's generally suffer from this condition, psychiatrists as well.
> I had a blog and a posted my poems about what happened and yes I put his name on it. At first it was out of anger, but now it is for justice of what he did to me. I don't plan on contacting the licensing board, it would only hurt me more hearing what he has to say in his defensive stance.I agree. We're WAY TOO VULNERABLE in a "therapeutic" (HAH!) relationship. (HAH again, as any man or woman who cannot be in an honest relationship with him/herself has ZERO chance of positively affecting the outcome of a relationship with a co-partner in healing. ANY RELATIONSHIP has to be either healing or damaging, there is no in-between; relationships are psycho-dynamic and I am so angry with the profession for ignoring the very thing they are supposed to be working on. F*CK THEM. And f*ck my ex-dear-T, whose initials I have openly used, and hints I have given about where I reside, which city I live in, and where, because I want someone to know this was done, I want someone to know. And it won't make a whit of difference to the one person who could have righted all the wrongs. Because his silence, my dear, is Stony. And it is cutting my feet to ribbons.
> My whole life I had to hide what others did to me, no longer. If my T is upset what I wrote in my poems, well good then, maybe he will change the way he does therapy. So for me I have a way to say what he did, and how it made me feel, and I don't have to hear his b*llsh*t defensive responses to it.
>Absolutely. The pen is mightier than the sword.
> I really don't care what others think who happen to read the poems think, let him answer the questions to those who ask, like his wife, family and colleagues who matter to him. I don't need the answers anymore, they don't matter to me, but I won't hide what he did to me.
>
And your job is to be as open and public about this as possible while still getting the respect you deserve, for being a human working on your human frailties, and for having the courage to stand for Love, for what's Right in the world, and exposing those who only pretend, for their own ego's gratification.> I have had my part in this I know but.......... even my husband has told me this, It wasn't like a normal relationship where both parties have a part in it, it was a professional relationship. I was paying him to help me, he is suppose to do no harm and act in my best interests, so he has the responsibility of keeping it ethical. I didn't pay him to be seductive towards me, and that certainly didn't help me, it harmed me. So I can understand how you want your money back, I do too, I was paying for a service I am not happy with. Plus you can add the current therapy bill to help me get over the harm he did. So yeah, he does owe me more than an apology.
Absolutely, and this is where I stand as well.
Posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 14:26:12
In reply to Re: General thoughts on the subject of responsibility » susan47, posted by Racer on August 30, 2008, at 17:48:02
Why can't I transfer that need for validation to someone I respect so much more?
>
> If I ever answer any of that, I'll let you know.Your post makes a lot of sense. I understand what you are saying. I don't know if your issue has to do with love, but mine does, and it seems to me that when something as big and unknowable as the heart is involved in our transactions with people, when we are in a vulnerable state of being in love with someone, and that person is our therapist, and that person lets us down when we are displaying signs of illness or unhappiness (which we will if we are predisposed to that), we will be left holding the bag, not them, as it is us who are flawed, and in any human transaction, the weaker one loses.
It's just the way of the world.
Knowing that I am weak does not increase my self-love.
Posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 14:36:15
In reply to Re: General thoughts on the subject of responsibility » susan47, posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 10:04:38
>
> I think this is an assumption that you need to challenge every single day. Your father may be a demon, but you certainly did not create him. You were a child. How could you? You are not an ugly awful monster. It's a tape that you can change now as an adult.
>
Yes, and I definitely am needing help in doing that.> "So transference? You bet. And somehow I have to be responsible for that, too. I do."
>
> As I said, I don't think we can help the way we feel, we can only learn from our feelings and use them as catalysts for change. Feeling transference is normal don't you think?
>
> "And in all parties verbally and fully taking responsibility in their own part for what went wrong, in bad therapy. And this is something we don't have, yet. There is no method or system for this, and it holds up healing."
>
> I agree, there should be some sort of rational debriefing so to speak when therapy ends badly. Instead, it usually ends up adversarial and very very emotionally charged on both parts. Therapists tend to close the ranks to protect themselves and just can't or won't admit any culpability at all. It just makes more work for us. It's too bad, because it would really benefit everyone.
>
REALLY?? I find that interesting. Too much work for you. Well, well, well. TOO BAD??? You say it's TOO BAD? Give your head a shake. It's life-threatening, and "it would really benefit everyone" but it's too bad that you have nothing in place, well if it would really benefit everyone, WHY THE HELL ISN'T ANYONE DOING SOMETHING TO CHANGE THIS REALITY TO MAKE A NEW REALITY???? Your laid-bad attitude is really something else. It's the reason people like me walk around suicidal. You seem like a respectable, reasonable, responsible, empathic person and yet you have just left chills down my spine. It is the attitude of the frog in the water, honey.> "Damn it. Why does NOBODY LISTEN? It's as if I were invisible, and the more invisible I feel, the more rage I want to express."
>
> Susan, I'm sorry I don't know your whole story, but I'm here and will listen. You are not invisible. What exactly do you want to say and who do you want to say it to?
>If you were my therapist, I would have just said it to him. Exactly the way it has to be expressed. At least, a portion of it.
> I think you just said something very important already, that the more invisible you feel, the more rage you want to express. Do you think there are specific steps that you could take to feel less invisible?
>
> Seldom.
>I hope I have not offended you too greatly.
Posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 14:45:05
In reply to Re: Racer-valadation, posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 14:01:02
Hi Seldom,
You know we are friends and I have a lot of respect for you but I just don't get what you are saying. I know many of us repeat the patterns of abuse or relationships like what we experienced in childhood. But shouldn't T's help us get out of that pattern instead of becoming that pattern?
It almost sound to me, and I may be off here, but it sounds like you are putting the victim at fault here for having an unethical relationship with their T.
If I have this wrong, please let me know, I am open to what you are saying, I just don't understand it.
Posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 14:59:29
In reply to Re: General thoughts on the subject of responsibility » seldomseen, posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 14:36:15
What really bothers me is when things do go wrong, T's have the upper hand in establishing what happened or appeared to have happened. With their degrees, and training, they are very good at twisting things around to make it seem the client was delusional, and nothing the T did was wrong. Talk about abuse of power...
My T says that if we are overly dependent on our T's or any other relationship for that matter, the one who is depended on played a part in why this happened in developing the dependence, they get something out of it.
When I called my T a couple weeks ago because of my nightmares, and I need a kind voice to tell me I was okay. Well he told me that in cases when the client calls during periods of anxiety, if not life threatening, he will wait to call them back. He doesn't want to be the 1st line of offense when a client falls apart. He wants the client to learn to self soothe or reach out to people in their real life. So in this way he is not becoming the only source of comfort and becoming overly dependent on him. Because this dependency will be flawed at some point, like if he is on vacation, etc. He wants the client to have other avenues. I think I value this boundary wall he started with me when I first feel apart.
Posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 15:00:16
In reply to Re: General thoughts on the subject of responsibility » susan47, posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 10:04:38
"Therapists tend to close the ranks to protect themselves and just can't or won't admit any culpability at all. It just makes more work for us. It's too bad, because it would really benefit everyone. "
And I said laid-back and my fingers said "Bad", laid-back=bad, and I am sorry for the value judgment, but there it is.
And I need to do something about this, because I am not the only one who is walking wounded. The walking wounded of psychotherapy. Better off I was, before I sought help.
Posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 15:08:45
In reply to Re: General thoughts on the subject of responsibility, posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 14:59:29
> What really bothers me is when things do go wrong, T's have the upper hand in establishing what happened or appeared to have happened. With their degrees, and training, they are very good at twisting things around to make it seem the client was delusional, and nothing the T did was wrong. Talk about abuse of power...
>
> My T says that if we are overly dependent on our T's or any other relationship for that matter, the one who is depended on played a part in why this happened in developing the dependence, they get something out of it.My therapist said it was okay for me to come into his office between visits and sit in the anteroom. I explained I needed to do this as his presence felt threatening to me somehow, since I was falling in love with him, since I'd said what I had, I needed to be exposed to him gradually. This was okay with him. He even verbally gave me his (possibly untrue) office schedule, saying what hours and what days he was in his office, and saying that sometimes he worked out of his office in patients' homes, depending on the needs of the patient. Later on, when I realized what a boundary crossing this was, I was shocked. But I also had no idea. Shouldn't he have known? And is it, in fact, a boundary crossing to say what he did?
>
> When I called my T a couple weeks ago because of my nightmares, and I need a kind voice to tell me I was okay. Well he told me that in cases when the client calls during periods of anxiety, if not life threatening, he will wait to call them back. He doesn't want to be the 1st line of offense when a client falls apart. He wants the client to learn to self soothe or reach out to people in their real life. So in this way he is not becoming the only source of comfort and becoming overly dependent on him. Because this dependency will be flawed at some point, like if he is on vacation, etc. He wants the client to have other avenues. I think I value this boundary wall he started with me when I first feel apart.
>It sounds to me like the same sort of theory my ex-T would have been operating on only my ex-T DID NOT HAVE THE FACILITY OF LANGUAGE WITH WHICH TO EXPRESS THIS. Isn't that somehow wrong?
Posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 15:15:03
In reply to Re: Racer-valadation, posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 14:01:02
> It IS a very good question. And again, I think my response might be a little controversial, but just bear with me.
Guess you didn't read my other post to you... I'm not going to bear with you, I'm going to appreciate your concise expression of views that largely correspond with my own.
>
> I think we give a lot of credence to people we shouldn't because they say what we are most comfortable hearing. I suspect we may even seek out the bad sometimes. We are used to it "fitting" with what we think of ourselves. It may be evil, but it's a known evil.
I think somewhere in my current talking jag -- insomnia does this to me, so I'm glad it's so rare for me -- I wrote about this as it related to my late cat. How many people can say that they acted out transference with their pets? I'm pretty special that way, huh?Yes, I think we do. I'm not sure we seek it out because we feel comfortable with it, though. I'm more inclined to think it's recreating the old relationship so that we can Do It Right This Time, combined with a high level of tolerance for being treated badly.
But you know what? I think we arrived at the same destination via different routes -- we may not be standing on the same spot, but we're close enough to shake hands...
Posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 15:38:37
In reply to Re: Racer-valadation » seldomseen, posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 14:45:05
> I know many of us repeat the patterns of abuse or relationships like what we experienced in childhood. But shouldn't T's help us get out of that pattern instead of becoming that pattern?
Yes, therapists should do just that. But they can't do it for us -- sometimes our transference interferes with our ability to recognize and respond to that help. That's the whole shared responsibility part -- communication, by its nature, it two way. The therapist can be responsible for what is said, but the client is responsible for how it's heard.
That said, I know that sometimes my therapist hears her interpretation of what I'm saying, and not what I'm saying, so I've learned to confirm what she heard if it's important to me. If I recognize the need to do that now and again, I think therapists should, too.
> It almost sound to me, and I may be off here, but it sounds like you are putting the victim at fault here for having an unethical relationship with their T.
I didn't hear this in Seldom's posts, so I'd like to share what I did hear. It'll illustrate what I just said about communication:If we absolve ourselves of ALL responsibility for the dynamics of a failed therapeutic relationship, we're not only perpetuating a lot of the same dynamics that led to our transference reactions in the first place, we're also declaring ourselves powerless.
The problem, I think, is that there is not a lot of healthy space involved in this issue. We have to learn to accept our portion of the responsibility -- really accept it, down to our mitochondria -- because otherwise we'll always feel helpless, which will perpetuate the whole dynamic. On the other hand, we have to avoid internalizing those external messages that we're at fault -- "Now see what you're making me do to you?"
Between those to places, there's a place where we can experience both our anger for what others have done, and our own power to influence events.
Does that make sense?
Posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 15:38:58
In reply to Re: Racer-valadation » seldomseen, posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 14:45:05
"But shouldn't T's help us get out of that pattern instead of becoming that pattern?"
ABSOLUTELY! Good therapists help us to recognize patterns of behaviour that hold us back. Like when we continue to listen to people who would condemn us. Or when we continue to do that to ourselves. Not only that, but they can help us to understand WHY we do it. Sometimes that why isn't pretty, and sometimes it is squarely within our power to change it.
"It almost sound to me, and I may be off here, but it sounds like you are putting the victim at fault here for having an unethical relationship with their T."
I'm definately not putting the therapee at fault here at all. Although, when things do go bad it can be an opportunity to examine ourselves. We can learn from it. Definately. But I'm not, as I indicated before, assigning blame or making a value judgement at all.
As I've said, there are some crappy therapists out there, and sooner or later on this therapeutic journey a lot of us will run into them. Have I ever told you the story of the T that had me hold teabags during our sessions? Or the one that told me all about the abuse he suffered as child and how what I went through was nothing really? I stayed with him for six months before I bolted.
Therapy is a lot about guided introspection. Most of the work is ours to do.
Posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 15:51:18
In reply to Re: validation » seldomseen, posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 15:15:03
Wow! Thanks Racer :) I did read the other post. I'm blushing...
Anyway I think you have a good explanation as well as to why we continue to look to things that just - well - just aren't good for us at all.
I've never considered the "we have a high tolerance to being treated badly". I guess we do.
Transference and pets? Well, I have four rescued cats, a hand-me-down guinea pig and a dog from foster care. Not to mention all the rescue animals I work with on my volunteer vocation. I think that just about says it all.
Seldom.
Posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 16:28:00
In reply to Re: validation » Racer, posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 15:51:18
> >
> Transference and pets? Well, I have four rescued cats, a hand-me-down guinea pig and a dog from foster care. Not to mention all the rescue animals I work with on my volunteer vocation. I think that just about says it all.
Ah, but do you tolerate abusive behavior from them which mimics the dynamics of your childhood?Short version of cat story: cat was so unpredictable and so aggressive in his attacks, that after three years of working with vets, behavioral experts from a top veterinary school, and even a cat psychic (I'm so skeptical that the last is proof that I really did exhaust every avenue), the end result was a consensus of expert opinion that he should be put to sleep. As it happens, everyone else said the same thing.
But I was acting out transference -- that's all I can figure out. My relationship with this cat was so similar to that with my mother -- me desperately trying to gain the love/approval/cessation of blood loss/whatever from them, and getting attacked in return. So, I couldn't follow the vet's advice -- I hadn't fixed that recreated dynamic, and I had a desperate need to do so.
I was about to say that the thing with the cat worked out better -- then I realized my mother and I have gotten along very well for a number of years now, so maybe I had some success with both relationships...
Posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 16:30:09
In reply to Re: General thoughts on the subject of responsibility, posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 15:08:45
Susan,
Working out of a client's home is possible, it depends on the problems. Sometimes that is the problem in the first place, they can't leave their home. And some severe OCD issues too.
Posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 16:39:37
In reply to Re: Racer-valadation » lemonaide, posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 15:38:58
Me thinks I am in over my head here. lol It is a good thing I took a semeseter off because my mind is mush.
Guess what, I am going to therapy this Tues, and I am not going to think about the relationship at all, lol. I think I am trying too hard to think, I am just going to be in the moment. Thanks for trying though, it will get through eventually. :-)
Posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 17:37:38
In reply to Ah, but... » seldomseen, posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 16:28:00
No I don't tolerate aggression in animals under my care.
If I get a wild one (and I certainly have before) it gets its own space. I didn't get rid of her, but she definately was quarantined until she came around a little bit.
What did happen though, was I went through a strong, and very hurtful phase with my T (Oh, one of many) in which I wanted him to rescue me from all that was bad. I resolved that with him or did I just transfer it to my animals and become their rescuer?
Seldom
Posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 18:11:13
In reply to Re: General thoughts on the subject of responsibility » seldomseen, posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 14:36:15
I did not mean for my thoughts to come across as laid back or glib. Perhaps you are right, and there is a hint of resignation there. I don't know.
However, in my opinion, my words or my attitude have nothing to do with your feelings of suicidality. I think those feelings are yours.
Please don't worry about offending me - you can't.
We're all in this together I guess.
Seldom.
Posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 23:50:30
In reply to Re: General thoughts on the subject of responsibility » susan47, posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 18:11:13
No, of course your attitudes aren't directly related to my feelings of being suicidal. The whole attitude though that there is nothing that can be done to repair a bad therapy, the attitude that I should now fend for myself, is the attitude that makes my life feel unbearable, because as long as the bad therapy isn't repaired, that is how I tend to feel. Not a desire or a thought-out wish of mine, but a consequence of who I Am, unfortunately, being Borderline.
And your lack of understanding is obvious, and it's okay. It's all right. I don't expect you to understand; you've made yourself very clear.
Posted by seldomseen on September 1, 2008, at 6:42:02
In reply to Re: General thoughts on the subject of responsibility » seldomseen, posted by susan47 on August 31, 2008, at 23:50:30
I definately think that bad therapy can be repaired. I just think it can be hard to reach a resolution with the former therapist.
As far as being left to fend for yourself, that's a tough one. I can certainly appreciate how hard it is to trust in the first place. Not to mention how hard it would be to trust after a bad therapy experience.
However, there are a lot of people that have chosen to do just that and they post on this board. It's a long road to peace and there are a lot of obstacles on that road, but it can be traveled. It doesn't have to be viewed as a "abandon all hope all ye who enter here" type thing.
Regarding borderline personality, I don't think that is who you are at all. It may be a set of symptoms that you exhibit and need help with, but it's not the core of your person. Who told you that anyway? Was it the same T with whom you had the problems? How credible, in your mind, is that source?
You are a good good person that has been deeply deeply hurt. What I hear under all that hurt is clear voice, trying to get through that says, "I am good enough to get help, I deserve to feel some peace".
I know a lot of of people that have gotten relief with DBT. Is that available to you in your area?
Seldom
Posted by antigua3 on September 1, 2008, at 8:01:53
In reply to Re: Racer-valadation, posted by seldomseen on August 31, 2008, at 14:01:02
>>So, here comes someone who seeks to challenge that fit and replace it with what should be there. For me, it was simply a fresh kind of hell.
seldomseen, my problem is that I don't have the perception to know if what I'm getting is "heaven or hell" from my pdoc. How do you know when it's them, in reality, when you're told it's you? Yes, go with your gut instincts, but those are warped as well. I struggle with this all the time, because if I disagree with what he has to say, I'm in denial.
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on September 1, 2008, at 8:17:43
In reply to Re: Racer-valadation, posted by lemonaide on August 31, 2008, at 16:39:37
I'm like that, tending to overanalyze and over think what I want to say. Last time I didn't. I let him speak and it was a powerful, rewarding session. I came to a peace that I'd never experienced before w/him, and myself, and it has lasted somewhat.
try it; see if it works and let us know how it goes. For me, it was definitely a matter of trust,
antigua
Posted by susan47 on September 1, 2008, at 11:02:34
In reply to Re: validation » seldomseen, posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 15:15:03
>> >
> > I think we give a lot of credence to people we shouldn't because they say what we are most comfortable hearing. I suspect we may even seek out the bad sometimes. We are used to it "fitting" with what we think of ourselves. It may be evil, but it's a known evil.
>
>
Dear old dad: "You're so ugly, you should see your face when you don't smile" "Who would want you? You're ugly" And other things, things I don't remember anymore, not right now, not this moment.
I wish I were really young again, so I could live my life the way it should have been lived.
Maybe now, at this old age, I can do it. Because one day I'll look at when I was 51 and say, "Wasn't I young then?" After all, the aches and pains are only just starting, and I know I can fend them off. Tae Kwon Do girl.There are some things I can still do.
I can still love myself, the way I should have been loved, and wasn't.> Yes, I think we do. I'm not sure we seek it out because we feel comfortable with it, though. I'm more inclined to think it's recreating the old relationship so that we can Do It Right This Time, combined with a high level of tolerance for being treated badly.
My ex-T only treated me badly when he didn't believe in me, and I think that was most often.I refuse to be seen that sick way anymore. It isn't true, it isn't real, and I can believe in myself, and I do. I have to. It's do that, or die not knowing I was a good, decent, kind, lovely person. As my father will wonder, he will wonder to his dying breath if he could have done it all differently. And this eats him today, Ibelieve, in his terminal illness, having been diagnosed with bladder cancer and now taking my two sons sailing with him .. and I wonder how this will turn out.
Will my children (24 and 12) ... will they be okay? Will they be more than okay, will their egos more than survive and vitriol thrown their way by a bitter old man ... oh, God.
And back to my therapist.
It was a masochistic love that I felt.
It was a complete annihilation of myself.
And I am angry.
The fool allowed it to (a) happen, and (b) continue.
I am so angry with him.
I am so angry with his need to be admired, to be controlling and controlled also, his need to be seen as Special almost killed me.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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