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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 1:48:47
Well, I took a risk and got burned. When the h*ll will I learn. I just don't know what the H*ll I was thinking. I guess I wasn't.
Here is what I did. The stupid thing I did. I called my sister, the one I haven't spoken to in about 12-14 years. Yes years. Since my youngest sister got married. She wasn't home, I spoke to my BIL. It went well the conversation. I thought this is good. I told him some family news while jarring and a bit unsettling he took it well and said that explains a lot. He said let me handle telling your sister. I think it will come better from me. When she calls you back though tread lightly. Should have been my first clue this might not go well.
Well, he called wanting my aunt's number to verify the information. I gave it too him. Thinking well she is her aunt too. And maybe it will be a good conversation. Wrong. My aunt called me about 20 minutes later saying WTF. We talked for quite a while with my sister trying to beep in on both of us. Finally we hung up.
I had three messages from my sister. I debated and decided I should call her back even knowing how badly the conversation went with my aunt it would go similarly with me and her.
The thing is I have done nothing to my sister except be my father's daughter's and still be in my father's life. She said all this time you have had him. I said yeah and he has told me I am not his daughter and he wished i have never been born. yeah that is a great support system and boy with a dad like him who needs friends. He is all I ever need. What I mean what is is she thinking. She went on and on about how HER mother, not our mother is dead, she moved on, she doesn't need her family anymore she had her MIL and FIL and they took the place of her family and loved her. She has a great job and great friends and all I ever did was try to boss her. and she is suspicious of people but loves them. And blah blah and blah and if I tried to say anything she told me to shut up and listen to her.
And she talked down to me, and went on about how Gaylord entertainmenet hired her to manage all these stories without a college degree and she is just as smart as me and on and on....
And I think I am so smart and she is just as smart. I said is this just a one sided conversation because if so I will just hang up. I don't need this. So then accused me of drama. And she played the well at least I am not in therapy or on drugs like you are card. That was way too low even for her. I mean, is it so bad that I am. Should I hide this. H*ll no, I am not ashamed and if she or anyone else in my family thinks low of me, then that is too bad for them. Right please someone tell me I am right because right now I am sinking low.....I thought while she was spilling her dribble she was the crazy one not me. I did learn that I have dissociated more than I realized. She did have alot more memories than I about the stuff of our parents abuse. ::(
I have unshed tears that really want to come out yet I am determined not to let them because she isn't worth it, is she?
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 2:14:02
In reply to Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslong, posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 1:48:47
PS> Actually this was all in response to a therapy session where my pdoc ask me a question about when the last time I had spoken to my sister and why we did not speak. I got to thinking about it. He wondered if she had more memories than. More thinking. So he is partially to blame right?
I think he needs to help me draw up divorce papers for my sister and father. And should i ever be tempted again to contact them he can wipe those suckers out and remind I am offically divorce from them and why.:(
rsk
Posted by annierose on February 16, 2008, at 5:21:02
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslon, posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 2:14:02
I don't think you need to blame your p-doc. He just asked a question.
Sibling relationships can be difficult. I obviously don't know your sister or why she is so angry with her family of origin, or the tone she was using, but from how you wrote the story, it sounded like she just wanted to be heard. Yes, she said hurtful things and was angry. You were listening and that is good. Sometimes the hurt sibling just needs to say all those things that have been building up inside for all those years.
I have a sister that is angry with the family too. I am the only one right now that she will talk to. I find the best approach is just to listen and comment very little. Think of how your therapist talks with you. I say things like, "I can see how much you're hurting," "I want you to know everyone loves you," etc. I don't assess blame.
When your sister started throwing garbage your way, the therapy and/or medication "card", that tells you how hurt she feels. It's less about you and more about her. Does that make any sense?
Posted by star008 on February 16, 2008, at 8:11:22
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslon, posted by annierose on February 16, 2008, at 5:21:02
rsk,
your sister sounds as though she has plenty of her own stuff to work on and probably could use meds and therapy anyway so if she throws the card at you at least know you are doing somethng to get better and she is still clueless..
seriously, she doesn't sound rational or mentally stable. You are probably better off in leaving her alone..Yeah, she may have memories but you will pay a huge price for them. And even then you only get the memory as she saw it. Best to let sleeping dogs lie over there.
you aren't alone RSK.. i am here and care
Posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 10:29:28
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslon, posted by annierose on February 16, 2008, at 5:21:02
Annierose, I could tell she is in denial about everything. That is get it is very I was just a few years ago and maybe she will always be. I told her I just wanted to start from this point on and be sisters. I can only listen so much. I did for 2.5 hours but she just got worse. I just realize that maybe that fence can't be mended and it made me sad for us. And I realized the extent of the damaged my parents inflicted.
No I don't blame my pdoc. He just asked and I listened and acted. I thought I was doing something good but it seems like I wasn't. I decided I was being selfish and maybe I should have left her alone to her life:(
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 11:54:18
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned RSK, posted by star008 on February 16, 2008, at 8:11:22
Thanks Star, I feel like she does and she want to work through it. She says she has the mental fortitude to do it on her own she doesn't need a shrink, hear the dig, or meds, even though she drinks alot, or anything else to help her put the past where it belongs. but I am thinking if that is true, wouldn't you be able to have a conversation then with your sister and not drag up all this. If the past was indeed in the past. I was not saying you did this and you did that. I was trying to start from this point on. I guess it really doesn't matter now, i doubt I will hear from her again and I will not call her back at least not the way i feel right now.
thanks for your support it means alot.:) and thanks for caring
rsk
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on February 16, 2008, at 12:52:35
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned RSK » star008, posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 11:54:18
rsk haven't spoken to my sister in years either. One time when sick asked her crying for help and she refused. That's when I knew there never would be a relationship. How many years apart are you as six between us and I feel it makes a difference. Different upbringing by same parents. Love Phillipa
Posted by I need a hug on February 16, 2008, at 13:05:57
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned RSK » star008, posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 11:54:18
RSK,
In all of your posts I have read (and there have been many), you have always acted with good intentions toward others. You have shared painful expiences from your past in the hope of helping others deal with similar experiences. You have always been very supportive of other posters. You are not a selfish person. You took the first step in trying to mend a broken relationship with your sister. If she wasn't willing to talk to you in rational manner and try to work things out, it's her loss. And it's a huge loss. I would be proud to call you my sister any day. HUGS
Posted by gardenergirl on February 16, 2008, at 13:24:07
In reply to Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslong, posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 1:48:47
Oh gosh, that sounds simply awful. It does sound like your sister has a lot of stuff she feels strongly about, and that she slung as much of it as she could at you. I'm sorry for that. From what you describe, it sounds like you handled it rather well, which can be hard, I know, when the accusations come flying. And while whether she's worth crying over is debatable, if you're hurting, that hurt is worth crying about. It's a loss, and probably a fresh loss to some extent, as you tried and she didn't reach back to your hand.
I'm sorry.
gg
Posted by DAisym on February 16, 2008, at 14:35:17
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslon » rskontos, posted by gardenergirl on February 16, 2008, at 13:24:07
My guess is that you scared her. You scared her with your bravery of wanting to think about things and talk about things. These are painful things and she took her hurt to an angry place = but at the wrong person, imo.
Three years ago (maybe 4 now?) my little sister called me and just hammered on me. She told me about her abuse and how it was all my fault. I was the big sister, I was the perfect one and I functioned as her mother. So why didn't I protect her? I had no answers for her, I just listened and let her dump. She didn't and still doesn't know what happened to me. What was I supposed to say - "he only touched you, he did xyz to me"? Because you can't compare trauma. And she was right, I didn't tell and I didn't protect her. The fact that I didn't know about it carried no weight at that time. It hurt like he**.
It took a long time but gradually we are friends again - not close, intimates, the way sisters might be, but we laugh together. I think she will always be a drama queen and need me to care for her and it won't be reciprocal...but that's where it is right now.
I'm hoping that in that quiet space just before sleep, that your sister realizes how hard it must have been for you to call. I hope she appreciates you reaching out. Perhaps you've set into motion her own healing.
In the meantime, give yourself credit for what you did and don't let her make you feel worse. Sort through her crud, take the nuggets of knowledge and leave the rest on her end of the phone. And yes, cry. Because she hurt you. Because she hurts too. Because neither of you should have had the childhood you did. I'm sad for you. Doesn't it feel like sometimes you never really stop paying for the past?
Posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 21:16:21
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslon, posted by DAisym on February 16, 2008, at 14:35:17
Daisym,
>>Doesn't it feel like sometimes you never really stop paying for the past?
Yes it does. i feel like I am always to blame. I am the oldest too. She does not have a relationship with our father and I guess that too is my fault. She does not realize he mistreats me worse than he evers treats her by his silence to her. I tried to explain that I did not want to go over the past, I wanted to see if we could just try and start from this point and move on if we could just do that. I sadly do not think she heard me.
I am paying for my mistakes in life, my mother's and my father's and I don't know why. I am ok with mine but the rest, I am at a total loss. As I was the child and they the adult or so I am told.
Daiysm, thank you for you post and maybe somewhere I plant a kernel like you said. And if not, it will not be.
FOr what it worth, I don't think you were responsible for protecting your sister, you were not the adult in the situation. The adult violated you both.
I am sad for all of us, the little lost little ones that their trusted adults were not so trustworthy :)
rsk
Posted by Bodhisattva on February 16, 2008, at 23:18:11
In reply to Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslong, posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 1:48:47
Let her take more time and see what happens. Perhaps she still is not ready.
It's been over 10 years. Her reaction could easily be classified as shock. These things always take time. Try to be patient, try to be calm. It's important to realize what things can be said in times of distress. The words rarely have meaning, it's the emotion behind that's important.
Look for the love around you, take care RSK
Posted by Sigismund on February 17, 2008, at 0:35:48
In reply to Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslong, posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 1:48:47
>And she talked down to me, and went on about how Gaylord entertainmenet hired her to manage all these stories without a college degree and she is just as smart as me and on and on....
Gaylord entertainment!
Priceless family dynamics.
Don't you love them?
>And she played the well at least I am not in therapy or on drugs like you are card. That was way too low even for her. I mean, is it so bad that I am. Should I hide this. H*ll no, I am not ashamed and if she or anyone else in my family thinks low of me, then that is too bad for them.Just avoid feeling ashamed about feeling ashamed.
>Right please someone tell me I am right because right now I am sinking low.....I thought while she was spilling her dribble she was the crazy one not me.When it's either her perpective or yours, one of you must lose.
Isn't it interesting how families who presumably have better things to do than fight each other to the death about their interpretation of history do just that?
>because she isn't worth it, is she?You make me think you feel she is.
Posted by rskontos on February 17, 2008, at 8:10:09
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslon » rskontos, posted by gardenergirl on February 16, 2008, at 13:24:07
Oh gosh, that sounds simply awful. It does sound like your sister has a lot of stuff she feels strongly about, and that she slung as much of it as she could at you. I'm sorry for that. From what you describe, it sounds like you handled it rather well, which can be hard, I know, when the accusations come flying. And while whether she's worth crying over is debatable, if you're hurting, that hurt is worth crying about. It's a loss, and probably a fresh loss to some extent, as you tried and she didn't reach back to your hand.
I'm sorry.
GG, at first I thought based on what my BIL said she was over everything and she just did not want or need me in her life. I did not really know why she thought I done anything to her. When she cut her family out of her life, she did the whole family not just our parents. She cut my sister and I both as well. Now after talking to her I realize that somehow I became to blame for what happened to her as well. That even though I am only a scare 2 year older, 22 months to be exact, I was to protect her. Never mind I had no protection. In her mind, my mother did nothing to me, all to her. My father did nothing to me only to her. She sees that because she cut them out of her life and we did not then we had them she did not and therefore, she WORSE off. She refuses to see that the damage was already done as small children through our teenage years and that cutting them off when you move out did not erase the damage. It only buried it. I saw she had buried it. So I tried to retreat and allow her to stay in the place she is in. I do know that I am to her a reminder that although she is telling her DH she wants to move on this may or may not be a reality.
I still can't cry it just won't come.
Thanks so much for your reply.
It means a great deal to me.:)
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 17, 2008, at 8:17:45
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslon » rskontos, posted by Bodhisattva on February 16, 2008, at 23:18:11
Yes Bohisattva, I do think you are right she is in shock and she is in denial and I did realize that and tried to back off. I decided all I did was remind her of what she did not want to deal with and although maybe she partly wanted to move on and have her sisters in her life like she told her DH maybe she did not when the moment of truth was at hand.
She did not want me to end the conversation yet she pushed so hard if it was in RIL I was have had bruises. So in the end either she hung up on me or my cell phone dropped the call I am not sure. In ever case I did not call back and she did not either. I will leave it alone for now. And probably won't call back because this had opened the flashback flood gate and now i must deal with the fallout. She had a lot more memories and told many of them to me, flinging in my face, as you did not believe me when I told you this, and this.
She would not understand my position. I attempted to explain but gave up. I also did not want to give her even more information about my DX to further fling in my face. I am strong now but not that strong. Nor did I want to tempt switching on her.I will look for the love around me. thanks for that:) and I give myself credit for trying and for now blowing up on her when just a few months ago I would have so I have made some progress.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 17, 2008, at 8:32:29
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslong » rskontos, posted by Sigismund on February 17, 2008, at 0:35:48
Sigismund,
**Priceless family dynamics.Yes don't you. She says she has always lived in my shadow. I was the smartest, blah blah. I guess she felt the need to prove to me, someone out there values her. I tried to tell her if I did not why did I search so long on the internet for her whereabouts and call her. You see I did not have her address or phone number all these years either. I just located her recently. When she told me all she was doing now I told her I was happy for her and I am. I don't think she heard me.
**Just avoid feeling ashamed about feeling ashamed.
It does hurt though to have that throw up to you as if it is a flaw. I know it is not but for your family not to understand. To feel like you are the only one not handling things well.
**Isn't it interesting how families who presumably have better things to do than fight each other to the death about their interpretation of history do just that?
I have one aunt that said my sister and I were pawns in my parents games between each other and we never going to be able to be close as we conditioned as small children to be adverseries
and that she felt so sad for that. I guess it is true and that it was my attempt to see if we could undo that but maybe I was sadly misguided. I was hoping she and I could just be sisters like my other sister and I.**You make me think you feel she is.
She is worth a try but not at my expense. I deserve her to look at me and if she isn't going to try an see me as I am trying to see her than what else can I do. I know I am not a perfect person, but I am trying to say hey can we try something here besides not talking and staying mad at each other forever? I don't have all the answers but I was trying to look past the past. She said to me I can't see past how you were in teh past. I said I was a kid, behaving as a kid trying to growing in a messed up house. I was surviving. I was not your parents I was a sister not the one responsible for believing you or protecting you. The adults in the house let us both down. If you can't see past that I dont know where we do. She had no answer but just got madder. I t was a no win situation i guess.
I do want my sister in my life but I don't think she wants hers. I guess I will have to wait and see. I really don't know what else to do.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 17, 2008, at 8:38:23
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned RSK, posted by I need a hug on February 16, 2008, at 13:05:57
Hugs, I wrote a post back and it must have gone to cyber waste land, lol, anyway here is the second one. Thanks for the response. It may be her loss but I do think it mine too as I was ready for the broken relationship to be mended. It though is not the time. She is in denial and wants to stay there and I must respect that. I think i remind her of a time she does not want to go back to and deal with no matter her bravado about being mental strong enough to deal with it with her faith. So there it is and I will back off and let her too it. Yes she hurt me but she often did in the past and that is not new.
She did open the flashback floodgates in a new way, definitely clearer with more definition so that is something i must deal with. I also spoke to my aunt who had more informatino regarding my parents so I just got more dumped on me but it is ok. My therapist will help me and I will go forward.
I did not dissociate too much during this only a small amount so that is progress too :)
I thank you for being proud to call me your sister
rsk
Posted by llurpsienoodle on February 17, 2008, at 21:35:03
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslon, posted by annierose on February 16, 2008, at 5:21:02
There must have been good reasons for siblings to part ways. I'm sorry that the conversation went so poorly. Do you think she is truly happy and satisfied like she says she is? My guess? not happy...
You're further along on this journey towards self-discovery than she will be. We don't even know if she's taken the first step.
You, on the other hand, have taken one brave step after another. THAT is something that you should feel proud of (even as your sister tries to wear you out)
sisters...
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on February 17, 2008, at 21:39:33
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslon » annierose, posted by llurpsienoodle on February 17, 2008, at 21:35:03
Posted by sassyfrancesca on February 18, 2008, at 15:33:20
In reply to Took A Risk And Got Burned :( Poss triggerslong, posted by rskontos on February 16, 2008, at 1:48:47
I am so sorry. What do I see here? Jealousy; she is jealous of you, and being verbally abusive......
Love, Francesca
Posted by Dinah on February 23, 2008, at 20:57:44
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned RSK » I need a hug, posted by rskontos on February 17, 2008, at 8:38:23
Didn't I read on another thread that she called back? How did that go?
Posted by rskontos on February 23, 2008, at 23:13:30
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned RSK » rskontos, posted by Dinah on February 23, 2008, at 20:57:44
Dinah, she has called back probably three times and each time I decide I can't talk to her anymore. I can't be her therapist. We have good moments but she rails at me too. This last time I called her for my other sister, she hasn't spoken to her either for the same length of time. It was a mistake I think. For days after although in this case it has only been a day, I am very shaky and triggery and flashbacks are on the rise. She confirmed the possible SA and whom the abuser was. That threw me for a loop though and I have not processed it. And then my T threw me for another loop when I told him. Then the last session I had switched on him before I got to therapy (on the drive there),switched back right before going in and then switch again as I walked in, it all proved to be way too much so I just passed out on him. Very weird session as we tried to process all of this. I remained very shaky through it and realized afterwards that a different one came to "help" during the end of therapy to get me through it. Like I said way too much switching.
My sister is convinced I had it so much better than her growing up, she doesn't not understand dissociation, she thinks I am in denial. And still keeps saying why are you so bad and I am doing ok. We ended it with me trying to explain how denial and dissociation are different. I tried to explain over and over that she is looking at this through childhood perceptions with adult eyes and how that is going to hold us back in developing this relationship further, she just doesn't seem to be able to relinish her ideals of me as someone innocent too--I don't know what else to do. I really am trying to remain positive but I am getting too triggery with this all so I have to back off for my own protection. When I hang up from her my inner voices are screaming. She called back to say she needed time to process this and I said I do too. And she was actually taken aback that I said I needed time. Like it did not occur to her.
Dinah, thanks for taking the time to be concerned and ask. It has truly been hard and shaky time for me right now. And hard to post.
So thanks
rsk
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2008, at 0:21:25
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned RSK » Dinah, posted by rskontos on February 23, 2008, at 23:13:30
I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
There is a dialog going at least. It's rocky right now and you might both have to go slow. But there is something to build on.
Would it be possible to agree with her to keep it more superficial for a while? My brother and I delve into childhood things only occasionally, and talk about more current events more often. And that not all that deeply.
You're just getting to know each other again. Maybe it follows the same track as getting to know anyone. Starting light and not deepening till later?
I don't know if it's possible. It's just what I try to do with my own sibling. I know I keep my guard up a bit, and I'm sure he does. But we start with polite and see where it goes from there. Then we might have to withdraw for a bit before tentatively reaching out again.
But please do take care of yourself and don't do anything that makes you feel unsafe.
Posted by rskontos on February 24, 2008, at 10:44:33
In reply to Re: Took A Risk And Got Burned RSK » rskontos, posted by Dinah on February 24, 2008, at 0:21:25
Thanks Dinah, that is exactly what I thought. I think I told her that. We are for now letting things settle. I think I can do that more easily than she can, the don't delevege into deeper things. Like I said we did have some good moments in each conversation. So there is hope I believe.
Again, thanks so for thinking of me.
rsk
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