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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by allisonf on February 5, 2007, at 19:01:30
I am wondering if other people have this experience. I have had a very strong transference reaction to my therapist that I am still dealing with...but before she came along, I used to do this thing where I would develop crushes on inappropriate people (married people, teachers, bosses) and try to get close to them. In therapy, we have discussed the origins of this, ad nauseum. I am aware of aspects of my relationship with my parents that might have caused this desire to merge with these people. But for some reason I can't stop doing it.
This latest thing is a professor that I have. He is actually my professor from last semester, so now I don't have him in class anymore. And he is a PhD student, so he is close in age and experience to me. We had an e-mail exchange going and he just asked if I wanted to have coffee with him to discuss the issues. I am beside myself, giddy about it, then sober, then giddy again. We are both married, and I have no intention of cheating on my husband, but I am drawn to this guy. It just brings me back to a year or two ago, when the transference with my therapist was at its height.
Do you guys do this too--have a string of people you have feelings for or is it only your therapist? How do you make peace with it??
Thanks for your thoughts--
A
Posted by youngaddict on February 5, 2007, at 20:48:53
In reply to Transference in real life, posted by allisonf on February 5, 2007, at 19:01:30
i am so embarrsed by this in real life i never bring it up to my t. i should. its a source of problem with me.
i become obssessed with inappropriate people allthe time who have something that i want. tv characters for example..like i will become obsessed with the actor as the tv character..odd.i become obssessed with my roomates brother who is living with his girlfriend and her two kids. with websites...withwhatever.
so yes i understand and do this in real life too.
Posted by widget on February 6, 2007, at 7:43:08
In reply to Transference in real life, posted by allisonf on February 5, 2007, at 19:01:30
What a good question. I hope to in therapy. But, I know how alluring such an invitation could be. After, all, I would say to myself, why not be friends? Do you think you could just be friends?
Posted by allisonf on February 6, 2007, at 7:55:36
In reply to Re: Transference in real life, posted by widget on February 6, 2007, at 7:43:08
I think I could be just friends with this person...I think that's probably all he wants to be. But it's hard after caring so much and being "obsessed" with someone to go back to just being normal friends. Perhaps after coffee, I will discover something about him that will distance me from him and it will be easier. But all the time I think about having him over with his wife and children...trying to be normal about the whole thing. My T is of the opinion I need to stay away from him.
Posted by allisonf on February 6, 2007, at 8:02:58
In reply to Re: Transference in real life, posted by youngaddict on February 5, 2007, at 20:48:53
I completely understand youngaddict. I do this kind of thing too. Sometimes I will get so obsessed with a say, a rock band, that I am on their site all the time trying to e-mail the band members. I have a bipolar condition and my T believes that all of these obsessions tie into my hypomania--even the obsession with her--and I guess that's true, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.
Thanks for understanding.
Posted by raisinb on February 6, 2007, at 10:51:43
In reply to Re: Transference in real life » widget, posted by allisonf on February 6, 2007, at 7:55:36
This happens to everyone. I'm a teacher, and students develop crushes on teachers all the time (and believe me, there are WAY more teachers who violate the boundaries and take advantage of students' feelings.)I've personally known of several marriages.
For all humans, I think, there's something incredibly erotic about boundaries and power differentials, and I'm guessing that clients in therapy--who never got the parental love they needed--are even more vulnerable to such feelings.
Posted by happykat on February 6, 2007, at 13:10:33
In reply to Transference in real life, posted by allisonf on February 5, 2007, at 19:01:30
allisonf,
I've recently been working on transference issues in therapy. And I can tell you I have a long standing pattern of developing crushes on professors, bosses, etc. I'm assuming this somehow relates to my childhood, though I've just begun hashing it all out.
If you don't mind my asking, how is your relationship with your t now? How long have you been working on the transference with her?
This whole transference thing is very difficult. I was hoping that if I worked it through with my therapist then I wouldn't have that reaction with professors, bosses, etc.. Maybe it just takes awhile to work it all out? I dunno?
I think what your t said about staying away might be good advice. Otherwise it sounds like you're setting yourself up for disappointment or potentially going down a path you might later regret. Unless you think you can just be friends. Tough call.
Good luck with your dilemna.
Regards,
happykat
Posted by allisonf on February 6, 2007, at 19:26:53
In reply to Re: Transference in real life, posted by raisinb on February 6, 2007, at 10:51:43
Absolutely. I can totally tie it back to the "parental love" that I needed but didn't get. I guess you are right, it is pretty common. I am working in therapy on boundary mgt, and that kind of thing, but these relationships really throw me. If I get any positive response from the other side (like this guy wanting to have coffee) I just lose all my common sense.
You are right, I think it is partly the desire for the "forbidden". Is that what we see in our therapists?
Posted by allisonf on February 6, 2007, at 19:36:43
In reply to Re: Transference in real life » allisonf, posted by happykat on February 6, 2007, at 13:10:33
Hi happykat,
Thanks for your message. That's interesting to hear that you have the same problem--the crushes on bosses and teachers, etc. I thought if I could work thru the transference with my T that it would all resolve itself. Only recently my T has said, it is probably a problem I will have to deal with all my life , that I will have to navigate thru these waters time and again. I just hope I can keep my wits about me, esp with this coffee with my professor coming up!The transference with my T started soon after I started seeing her in 2001. I had an emotional breakdown at the time and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I think it started as feelings of gratitude that grew into romantic feelings and feelings of love and friendship. My T has always been very clear about the boundaries, tho she has self disclosed and been very warm with me--she strikes this amazing balance. I suppose I have been working on the transference with her all this time, tho I will say in the last year or so, it seems to have gotten somewhat easier. I'm not sure why. Now the energy is back but focused on the professor. My relationship with my T is really very good. We have been thru a lot together and I feel a mutual closeness with her even tho there is a lot she keeps from me (appropriately so).
How long have you been in therapy? How long have you had the transference feelings? Have you always had issues with other people all your life? I had my first teacher crush when I was 12 and it has been on and off ever since.
Thanks again for your message!
Best--
allison
Posted by cubic_me on February 7, 2007, at 12:37:07
In reply to Transference in real life, posted by allisonf on February 5, 2007, at 19:01:30
>
> Do you guys do this too--have a string of people you have feelings for or is it only your therapist? How do you make peace with it??
>Yes, I do, and I've never discussed it before - with anyone or on here. I remember it from when I was 11 or so, usually focusing on women (but not exclusively), some teachers, my parents' friends and some famous people. I'm almost certain it's transference stemming from the need to be 'mothered', which I didn't get as a child. I'd always latch on to people who were kind, but usually behind a tough exterior. It was never a sexual feeling. I can remember being distraught when one of my teachers left my school because I felt like this towards her.
I can realise it's happening now (though it happens less than it used to), and tend to distance myself from that person. I hate the feeling of it and really don't want to have to talk about it in therapy - ever! Although it's probably something that would bring out some interesting stuff, it's just too awkward.
It's interesting you say it's probably to do with your hypomanic episodes, because I'm definately not bipolar, so it doesn't have those associations for me.
Posted by happykat on February 7, 2007, at 15:05:05
In reply to Re: Transference in real life » happykat, posted by allisonf on February 6, 2007, at 19:36:43
Hi Allison,
I'm saddened to hear that your t thinks that you'll be dealing with transference the rest of your life. I was hoping that working through transference would end all of that too. I guess I might as well settle in for the long haul.
I've always found myself developing crushes on or trying to attach to authority figures in my life. Including many teachers as well as bosses, doctors, etc.
My most recent therapy stint has been almost a year. I developed transference a few months into therapy and disclosed it to her a couple of months ago.
Good luck with your professor!
Regards,
Kat
Posted by allisonf on February 7, 2007, at 16:54:20
In reply to Re: Transference in real life » allisonf, posted by happykat on February 7, 2007, at 15:05:05
Hi Kat,
I know, I don't want to think that I will have to be dealing with this all my life. Maybe it's because I haven't fully dealt with the transference with my therapist that it is still happening with other people? But I don't really know what else I can do with my t to help me resolve it. Certainly focusing on the professor has been a distraction. I throw up my hands! I don't know what to do. It seems like if it's not one person, it's another!Good luck to you too with your therapy!
Allison
Posted by allisonf on February 7, 2007, at 17:02:47
In reply to Re: Transference in real life » allisonf, posted by cubic_me on February 7, 2007, at 12:37:07
Thanks for understanding, cubic_me. You said this has been going on since you were 11? same with me. I develop it with both men and women, tho mostly men. Sometimes it is sexual, sometimes not. I think it's amazing that you are able to distance yourself from these people when it happens. Does that help to get rid of the feelings or is it still just as difficult? I wish I could just put this professor out of my head, or get some distance from it. Instead, I am waiting for his e-mails every minute, interpreting and re-interpreting what he says, etc. Also, that's interesting that you've never talked about it in therapy. Have you talked to your therapist about your transference for him/her? I can't say that talking about it (esp when you have an idea of where it is coming from--the "mothering" problem) really helps that much. It feels more like my T is just this voice of reality but I can't really process what she says.
Good luck things and thanks for your post.
Allison
Posted by cubic_me on February 8, 2007, at 9:57:32
In reply to Re: Transference in real life » cubic_me, posted by allisonf on February 7, 2007, at 17:02:47
> I think it's amazing that you are able to distance yourself from these people when it happens. Does that help to get rid of the feelings or is it still just as difficult?
It's not a skill I used to have! I used to be just like you, and have fantasies etc. TBH it's easier now, because my tutors change every 4weeks, so I've got less time to get attached! I can't really distance myself emotionally, so I have to do it physically, by recognising it's starting to happen and just 'not going there' and not creating any situations that would make me be near/in contact with them. I spend a lot of time telling myself they're just a normal, average person, and there's nothing special about them, which seems to help me stop idolising them too.
>Also, that's interesting that you've never talked about it in therapy. Have you talked to your therapist about your transference for him/her?
No, I didn't (when I did have transference, with my first therapist). I've only been with my current T for a month, and our relationship seems to be more 'normal' (code for less transference!!!) so far.
>I can't say that talking about it (esp when you have an idea of where it is coming from--the "mothering" problem) really helps that much. It feels more like my T is just this voice of reality but I can't really process what she says.
I can see that, and I think that's what I'm worried about really - that it'll take a lot of effort to talk about it, and it won't really help much.
> Good luck things and thanks for your post.
> AllisonYou too! Cubic_me
Posted by Dinah on February 9, 2007, at 10:47:04
In reply to Transference in real life, posted by allisonf on February 5, 2007, at 19:01:30
I haven't had time to look at this entire thread, but my take on it is that what we call transference in therapy happens all the time in the rest of our lives. That's why it's helpful in therapy.
While my transference with my therapist is largely maternal, other dynamics flow in from time to time, and in therapy I get a chance to look at them in a way I don't have the luxury of doing IRL.
I can't say it's stopped my falling into old patterns, but what it has done is let me catch myself when I do it and acknowledge it. For me that's enormously helpful. I may decide to continue in any given relationship exactly how I ordinarily would, but with added awareness of how I'm behaving and reacting, and what I'm likely to find fulfilling and frustrating.
Posted by allisonf on February 11, 2007, at 20:15:39
In reply to Re: Transference in real life » allisonf, posted by Dinah on February 9, 2007, at 10:47:04
Thanks for your message Dinah. I do agree with you that it is possible because of what happened in therapy, to catch the transference when it happens in real life and then deal with it better. But I am feeling this sense of frustration, b/c even tho I can acknowledge that I am doing in real life what I have worked on in therapy, I can't seem to get anywhere. I am still behaving in the same way that I did in therapy--googling and oogling my professor, the same way I did my therapist, and so many others. Is it that my therapy isn't as effective as it should be? I have talked to my therapist about my professor and we are working on changing some of my behaviors so that I don't go down that path too often (ie. stop googling the professor). I don't know.
Thanks again for your thoughts.
Posted by allisonf on February 11, 2007, at 20:20:10
In reply to Re: Transference in real life, posted by cubic_me on February 8, 2007, at 9:57:32
> It's not a skill I used to have! I used to be just like you, and have fantasies etc. TBH it's easier now, because my tutors change every 4weeks, so I've got less time to get attached! I can't really distance myself emotionally, so I have to do it physically, by recognising it's starting to happen and just 'not going there' and not creating any situations that would make me be near/in contact with them. I spend a lot of time telling myself they're just a normal, average person, and there's nothing special about them, which seems to help me stop idolising them too.
That is so great, cubic_me. I wish I could do that. Actually, my T and I are working on changing my behaviors and thoughts to be more in line with what you do. I hope that it works, but it requires some strength. You have to give up the high feeling of infatuation.
>
> No, I didn't (when I did have transference, with my first therapist). I've only been with my current T for a month, and our relationship seems to be more 'normal' (code for less transference!!!) so far.That's great too, good luck with your therapy!
Allison
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