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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 16:29:09
Well, today was my first day at the partial hospitalization program.
My T (Anne) called me at 8:30 in the morning (program starts at 9) to check in with me after she got my message. I really appreciate that. Shes usually sort of unresponsive, so her making an effort to call then was really nice.
Overall, I was really freaked out most of the morning. I felt like a deer in the headlights must feel. Scary. I know this will sound weird, but everyone there looked so normal. I felt like I'd crossed this line into completely crazy but THEY looked okay.. so maybe I am too? The jury is still out on that. There were only 4 others there.
We had general group in the morning. I didnt realize until then how long its been since I've really communicated with people. I barely remembered how. It felt so foreign. Then later on, we had a group about the medical causes of stress and how to take care of yourself, and then another about sleep hygeine. Then lunch, and a group about recovery. I missed most of that one because I got pulled out by the psychaitric nurse. She was wonderful. She actually had me laughing - truly laughing - and thats pretty unusual here lately. She was very sweet. Because I've had bad experiences with so many meds, she decided not to perscribe anything until she talks to the actual psychiatrist tomorrow or Wed. But she did give me a few samples of seroquel. I've never had an anxiety problem before, but this whole experience is really freaking me out. So I'll probably take some tonight and see how it affects me. Then we had one more general group at the end of the day.
We were trying to describe to each other and to the T how depression and suicidal thinking REALLY feels.. and it was so amazing. These people GET it. They feel exactly how I feel. I've done group before, but somehow this was different. I've never done a crisis-type group.They really focused a lot today on how mental illness of any type is a medical problem. The underlying message was "it's not your fault". I tend to blame myself a whole lot.
Afterwards, I ran into Anne at the health food store. She had her kids with her again. We talked for a minute and she had me write a release so she can talk to Laurie. Anne and Laurie talking.. potentially helpful but also potential disaster. I didnt have time to ask her what she was going to say to her.
I guess I dont have anything else to say. I just wanted to let you guys know what happened. Thank you all for your support this weekend.. really. It was an incredibly hard weekend and luckiy I'm in a much safer place right now. Thanks everyone.
Posted by Gee on September 11, 2006, at 19:51:28
In reply to first day of partial hosp program, posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 16:29:09
I so glad that your first day went so well! I hope the rest of it goes this well for you!
Posted by llrrrpp on September 11, 2006, at 21:22:33
In reply to Re: first day of partial hosp program, posted by Gee on September 11, 2006, at 19:51:28
Hi Wishingstar,
I'm just catching up on babble. I've been pretty busy the last couple of days. Busy doing...? I don't exactly remember.I'm so glad that you are doing the things you need to get started fresh. Even though you say you're in a mental fog, you are writing clearly, and communicating well.
Sounds like you're in bad shape, but at least you recognize it, and you are able to take care of yourself enough to pick up the phone, keep in touch with Anne and Laurie.
I'm glad that you've got some seroquel to get started on. that will help you get some rest and calm your nerves a little bit.
(((((Wishingstar)))))
You're doing so well. Hang in there. I think you've been to the bad place. It's going to get better from here. Slowly, but surely.
-ll
Posted by ClearSkies on September 12, 2006, at 5:11:48
In reply to first day of partial hosp program, posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 16:29:09
It's really encouraging to read of your positive experience with the partial hospitalization program. The System can actually work!
Let us know how the rest of the week goes.
Take care
ClearSkies
Posted by Poet on September 12, 2006, at 10:13:09
In reply to first day of partial hosp program, posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 16:29:09
Hi wishingstar,
I'd have to take antianxiety meds just to go to a day program. As for group- forget it. Give yourself much credit for recognizing that you need help and for getting it. That takes courage.
I take seroquel to sleep. Regular sleep meds like Ambien just don't work for me. I hope it helped your anxiety and let you get some rest.
Let us know how you're doing.
Poet
Posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2006, at 19:10:02
In reply to first day of partial hosp program, posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 16:29:09
I made it through 2 days alive.. physically anyway. Emotionally, this is very very hard.
An amazing thing happened today though. I am NOT a crier... not at all. On my own sometimes, but my current T who I've been with for at least a year has never seen my cry, if that says anything. I just dont do it. Well, I broke down and cried in the second general group today. I calmed myself down fairly quickly, but it was a big flood of tears. I was so embarassed and wouldnt look at anyone. I apologized right away and of course the leader said it was fine. But it was very hard.
The group leader, Randy, had asked us what we believe is at our core. What personality characteristics. One person said compassion, caring, etc.. he wrote them on the board. Then he asked me. I said I truly didnt know.. and he said there must be something I'm sure of. But I told him there isnt. I used to believe that I was independent, caring, etc etc... but for varying reasons, I'm not sure of any of those anymore. He started talking about being worthy and whether or not I thought I was, and the tears were there.. but then he made me look at each person in the room and say whether they were worthy or not. Of course they are and that was the point. I didnt get past the first person. I lost it. I knew I had problems with feeling like I deserve love and am a good person, but I didnt know it was there that strongly. Wow. I have never felt so tense and anxious as after that ended though.
As I mentioned in my last post, I ran into anne yesterday and she said shed call me today. After the program today I was so excited for her to call to tell her what I'd done. I was pretty proud of myself. Did she call? Of course not! Somehow this still surprises me every time. It really shouldnt. But it never fails to be a surprise. It hurts a LOT. Here I am in the biggest crisis since I've been seeing her, in the day program, she said she'd call today.. and no. I know it's time to move on to someone else. It's just so hard.
So thats where I am. I probably wont update every day after today (unless you guys are that interested?) because ill be in another 3 days at least.. but things are getting into a rhythm now. I see the psychiatrist tomorrow so hopefully I'll FINALLY get some meds. That will be good.
Posted by toetapper on September 12, 2006, at 20:37:49
In reply to day #2, posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2006, at 19:10:02
Hi,
I've hardly posted here, I feel kind of funny jumping in when I don't know anyone, it feels awkward to me. But I'm sitting here leaking tears and snot all over the place at how clueless she is, I was outraged about the appointment thing and how her defensiveness immediately tried to push it back on you and how over and over again she keeps screwing up and how much I know you hurt over her. It hits something so deep in me, I just want to take your face in my hands and tell you in a magical way you can hear it's not you. It's not you. I'M PROUD OF YOU. For all of it. For trying, over and over and over again when it has to be excruciating to keep being that exposed, for having that determination to be acknowledged, for recognizing you needed to go, for figuring out the best possible plan, and then seeing it through no matter how difficult. I'd really like to keep hearing how you are doing each day, it makes a difference to me. I draw a lot of determination and resolve from it, to take responsibility for my own life, to recognize sometimes it really isn't me, and to challenge my own sense of "worthiness".
I'm just really proud of you.
Posted by happyflower on September 12, 2006, at 20:59:43
In reply to day #2, posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2006, at 19:10:02
Posted by ElaineM on September 13, 2006, at 17:30:51
In reply to day #2, posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2006, at 19:10:02
It sounds like a lot of stuff is coming up in your groups. I'm so glad that this turning out as an ultimately positive experience. Even though it sounds like an emotional workout, it's nice for you to get a taste of the self-worth you merit. I'm sorry Anne let you down again.
I'm wondering how your pdoc appointment went. Let me/us know when you're able. ((((ws))))
Thinking of you :-)
blove, EL
Posted by wishingstar on September 13, 2006, at 19:50:05
In reply to Re: day #2 » wishingstar, posted by toetapper on September 12, 2006, at 20:37:49
I know the feeling of awkwardness with jumping in.. I post rarely enough that when I do, i feel that way a lot too. But really, I'm glad you did. Personally, I never mind if anyone jumps in.. and I dont think others do either.
What you said really means a lot to me. No one ever has told me theyre proud of me much.. and it's so hard for me to accept myself and not wonder what's wrong with me that this keeps happening? I feel like I try and try and try to ask for the help I need, but it just keeps getting thrown back at me. Thank you for seeing that I'm trying and noticing that. It really touches that vulnerable, hurting part of me, but in a really good way.
I was thinking that everyone was sick of hearing about Anne, but if you care.. then I'll keep posting on it. Here's todays update...drum roll please... She still didnt call. Can you believe it? I really cant. It's 8:45pm here now, so I figure she wont tonight. I left the message Monday afternoon, ran into her at the store later that afternoon, she said she'd call the next day (tues).. and still nothing. It's Wed night. I'm in the darn hospital, obviously in crisis... I just dont get it. I'm going to call and leave a message probably tomorrow morning after morning group, just to see if they have any input before I do it.. but my plan is to say something like.. "I know that I am overly sensitive to issues with you calling back and things like that, and that it's important for me to work past that, but still, i could really use a bit of sensitivity with this right now when things are obviously so bad. I dont understand why you didnt call. I need a little consistency from you when everything else is so unstable". Something like that. It feels mean but I think its a valid point. I DO overreact, no doubt. But right now isnt the time to teach me not to. Right now, I just need her to be there for me. I guess she may be thinking it doesnt matter so much right now since I'm seeing people in partial all day, but its HER that I still need to be the consistent, caring force in my life right now. The therapists at partial are wonderful, but there is no individual therapy there, and they dont really know me yet... I need her. I wish she got that. Or I wish she didnt hate me so much. I dont know which it is. It sort of feels like she MUST not give a darn about me if she keeps doing this. Unless shes trying to teach me a lesson, but I dont know. It's like banging my head against a wall. It's like my parents all over again.
I am so happy (and surprised) to hear that you are getting something positive out of reading what I write. Sometimes it feels like stupid, highly repetitive rambling to me when I post, and I certainly dont feel like I could be inspirational to anyone right now. But you're very right, often when Ts (or anyone) do things we dont like, it isnt always about us... sometimes it doesnt matter what we do, they still just wont call back (or whatever it is). No matter what happens, at least you can say you tried in those situations. And that's a positive point for you, regardless of how anyone else responds to your effort. Thats what I'm trying to remember anyway. You are worthy and an okay person no matter how they react to you... because their reaction is their issue.
Really, thanks for posting that. That meant a lot to me.
Posted by wishingstar on September 13, 2006, at 20:03:18
In reply to first day of partial hosp program, posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 16:29:09
I'm not sure if anyone cares to hear the detailed account of how this is going every day.. if you dont, I'm sorry for filling up this space with it. Obviously youre welcome not to read. :)
Today was day 3. Yesterday we had 5 people, today we had around 10. Big increase. I think I liked the smaller group a lot better.. this one is just a little too big for me to feel safe. But I adjusted I guess. It was still productive in some ways.
No big emotional moments like yesterday. Aside from the regular group sessions, we did a group on the development of unhealthy and codependent relationships and watched a film on depression and bipolar disorder. Later did another relaxation tape (progressive muscle relaxation, etc) which is nice. In the relationships group, it struck me that I'm not sure I've ever really had a close, HEALTHY relationship. That's scary to admit.
I'm wondering if anyone has had any experiences like this. As much as I enjoy the relaxation exercises - deep breathing, the progressive muscle relaxation tapes, etc - I'm noticing they seem to make me feel a little worse. Although my anxiety is pretty high while I'm there, most of the time anxiety is not at all a problem for me. Never has been. If anything, I feel like I need to be sped up, not relaxed.. you know? And sometimes after 20 min relaxation exercise I can almost feel my mood drop a notch or 2. Has anyone else experienced that?
I did get to meet with the psychiatrist today. Anne had told me a few weeks ago not to get him because I wouldnt like him... she was very right. What a jerk. Well, first of all, he perscribed 20mg celexa, to be moved up to 40mg soon. I've had no luck with prozac or zoloft so I expressed some concern about a drug that is so similar, but he pretty much blew me off. Okay, whatever. (I've had several courses in psychopharmacology, so its an area I'm pretty familar with.) Then I told him I cant have anything that has weight gain as a major side effect because if I gain weight, I'll either stop taking it all together or start restricting food intake as I have in the past. A minute later after he perscribed celexa I asked about this and he said that it'll be fine and if I gain weight, "I'll handle it". Well yeah I'll handle it, but hurting myself! He also told me I was being defensive about the suggestion that I could be bipolar. I'm NOT bipolar. I have been exaluated by probably 10 pdocs and therapists over the years and not one has ever said I'm bipolar. There's just no way. He said he wants to watch for it. So basically, he didnt listen to a word I said. Luckily, this is not the man I will follow up with after I get out of the day program, but it just made me so, so mad. Just because I'm young and in crisis doesnt mean I'm not able to have some say in my treatment. But anwyay, I took the first celexa tonight. I completely crashed after taking it, which I'm hoping isnt related.. but I dont know. I'm feeling a little better now.
Also, Anne still did not call me back. Read the post above if you're interested in what happened. I just cant believe that. She has got to really hate me. I dont know any other explanation. Unless shes just picked a really bad time to try to "teach me a lesson". It hurts.
Basically thats it. I'm feeling the depression get worse every day. The program is good, and I'm usually somewhat stable while I'm there - being around people, feeling heard, etc - but then I leave, and boom. I'm not sure any of this can be fixed in a week or so. They seem to feel optimistic that it can, but the drugs dont work that fast and I just dont know. We'll see.
Posted by ClearSkies on September 14, 2006, at 7:53:35
In reply to day #3, posted by wishingstar on September 13, 2006, at 20:03:18
Meditation and relaxation exercises used to make me very anxious. I've had panic attacks while meditating (just last week, actually). I can't offer any explanation, except that it doesn't happen all the time to me, and I don't know why.
Just a thought - maybe do a meditation on something external, like a comforting place to go to, with all the details in place. I have visualized an apple orchard with dappled sunshine and a spot beneath a tree. Complete with gentle, warm breeze. Taking the focus off of myself helps.I'm reading of your days' experiences with interest. I think it's great to record your thoughts and feelings during your treatment.
ClearSkies
Posted by llrrrpp on September 14, 2006, at 10:10:39
In reply to day #3, posted by wishingstar on September 13, 2006, at 20:03:18
Wishingstar,
you're doing great! I'm so proud of you. It's terrible that Anne has let you down again. Do you feel strong enough to tell her how hurt and disappointed you are? I don't think you are expecting too much. I think you are receiving too little. It has nothing to do with your self-worth. Sounds like Anne has her own issues. One thing that occurs to me (I may be COMPLETELY off base here, so just ignore me or argue back as necessary!) is that Anne may think that she has failed you. That Anne is feeling like a less than efficacious source of help for you. She may feel like she has let you down already, and has given up hope in her own ability to help you at this point in time. She's avoiding you (on purpose? unconsciously?0 because your situation makes her feel bad about herself as a caring professional.anyways, this does not make you a bad person
This does not make you a bad person.
I'll repeat it once more. This does not make you a bad person :o)You are very good to seek help. You are at a place where you're ready for some intense work. Anne no doubt helped you prepare for that kind of work. I'm sure that you are stronger today because of your relationship with Anne in the past. I'm sorry that she can't be with you in the present though. It's hard. I'm glad you have other sources of support.
best to you-
-ll
(another person who has adverse experiences during meditation...)
Posted by Dinah on September 14, 2006, at 10:23:10
In reply to day #3, posted by wishingstar on September 13, 2006, at 20:03:18
I doubt she hates you. She's probably like my T. If he doesn't write it down he forgets. Oh, the stories I could tell you.
I'm sorry you don't like your pdoc and that he's not listening to your concerns about medication. A good pdoc is invaluable, and very hard to find. I want Dr. "Just the facts Ma'am" back. I'm not really satisfied with Dr. .... Hmmm... Anyone got a good name for a scary pdoc that looks like a buther in one of those haunted house on top of the hill flicks? With the storm and the broken down car?
When is your next appt with Anne? And how does she feel about reminders? My T has urged me to remind him if he forgets, so I call and say "Dinah. Reminder as requested." (in my best neutral telephone operator voice - usually) and hang up. Maybe you two could work out a similar system?
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 14, 2006, at 21:24:26
In reply to day #3, posted by wishingstar on September 13, 2006, at 20:03:18
I just wanted to pipe in here:
First of all, thank you so much for sharing all this with us. I think it's very helpful and I am intensely interested in what is going on with you, even though I don't post very often.
Second of all, I got cold chills when I just read what you wrote about the pdoc trying to tell you that you're bipolar. Ten years ago, I was hospitalized twice in 5 months. There is only one private hospital in this area and that's where I went. The first time I was hospitalized, they CONVINCED me that I was bipolar and put me on a bunch of drugs. By the second hospitalization, I was slightly suspicious that an awful lot of my fellow patients seemed to be newly diagnosed as bipolar. I swear to you, EVERY SINGLE person on the ward with me was "bipolar." I'm not saying some of them weren't, but I just can't believe that ALL of us were. And I now know that I'm not. It's true that my brain reacts VERY, VERY badly to antidepressants. But other than that, I don't have a single symptom of bipolar.
All of that is just to say, go with your gut, sweetie. The "experts" don't know everything -- and some of them don't seem to know anything.
I'm thinking about you...
Posted by wishingstar on September 14, 2006, at 22:04:08
In reply to Re: day #3 » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on September 14, 2006, at 21:24:26
Posted by finelinebob on September 15, 2006, at 0:17:15
In reply to Re: day #3 » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on September 14, 2006, at 10:23:10
> ... Hmmm... Anyone got a good name for a scary pdoc that looks like a buther in one of those haunted house on top of the hill flicks? With the storm and the broken down car?
Well, you can always just go with the Addams Family butler Lurch.
But Riff Raff ... "Say goodbye to all of this..." and as he extends his hand with a prescription slip "and hello to oblivion"
This is the end of the thread.
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