Posted by wishingstar on September 13, 2006, at 19:50:05
In reply to Re: day #2 » wishingstar, posted by toetapper on September 12, 2006, at 20:37:49
I know the feeling of awkwardness with jumping in.. I post rarely enough that when I do, i feel that way a lot too. But really, I'm glad you did. Personally, I never mind if anyone jumps in.. and I dont think others do either.
What you said really means a lot to me. No one ever has told me theyre proud of me much.. and it's so hard for me to accept myself and not wonder what's wrong with me that this keeps happening? I feel like I try and try and try to ask for the help I need, but it just keeps getting thrown back at me. Thank you for seeing that I'm trying and noticing that. It really touches that vulnerable, hurting part of me, but in a really good way.
I was thinking that everyone was sick of hearing about Anne, but if you care.. then I'll keep posting on it. Here's todays update...drum roll please... She still didnt call. Can you believe it? I really cant. It's 8:45pm here now, so I figure she wont tonight. I left the message Monday afternoon, ran into her at the store later that afternoon, she said she'd call the next day (tues).. and still nothing. It's Wed night. I'm in the darn hospital, obviously in crisis... I just dont get it. I'm going to call and leave a message probably tomorrow morning after morning group, just to see if they have any input before I do it.. but my plan is to say something like.. "I know that I am overly sensitive to issues with you calling back and things like that, and that it's important for me to work past that, but still, i could really use a bit of sensitivity with this right now when things are obviously so bad. I dont understand why you didnt call. I need a little consistency from you when everything else is so unstable". Something like that. It feels mean but I think its a valid point. I DO overreact, no doubt. But right now isnt the time to teach me not to. Right now, I just need her to be there for me. I guess she may be thinking it doesnt matter so much right now since I'm seeing people in partial all day, but its HER that I still need to be the consistent, caring force in my life right now. The therapists at partial are wonderful, but there is no individual therapy there, and they dont really know me yet... I need her. I wish she got that. Or I wish she didnt hate me so much. I dont know which it is. It sort of feels like she MUST not give a darn about me if she keeps doing this. Unless shes trying to teach me a lesson, but I dont know. It's like banging my head against a wall. It's like my parents all over again.
I am so happy (and surprised) to hear that you are getting something positive out of reading what I write. Sometimes it feels like stupid, highly repetitive rambling to me when I post, and I certainly dont feel like I could be inspirational to anyone right now. But you're very right, often when Ts (or anyone) do things we dont like, it isnt always about us... sometimes it doesnt matter what we do, they still just wont call back (or whatever it is). No matter what happens, at least you can say you tried in those situations. And that's a positive point for you, regardless of how anyone else responds to your effort. Thats what I'm trying to remember anyway. You are worthy and an okay person no matter how they react to you... because their reaction is their issue.
Really, thanks for posting that. That meant a lot to me.
poster:wishingstar
thread:685077
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/685712.html