Posted by wishingstar on September 13, 2006, at 20:03:18
In reply to first day of partial hosp program, posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 16:29:09
I'm not sure if anyone cares to hear the detailed account of how this is going every day.. if you dont, I'm sorry for filling up this space with it. Obviously youre welcome not to read. :)
Today was day 3. Yesterday we had 5 people, today we had around 10. Big increase. I think I liked the smaller group a lot better.. this one is just a little too big for me to feel safe. But I adjusted I guess. It was still productive in some ways.
No big emotional moments like yesterday. Aside from the regular group sessions, we did a group on the development of unhealthy and codependent relationships and watched a film on depression and bipolar disorder. Later did another relaxation tape (progressive muscle relaxation, etc) which is nice. In the relationships group, it struck me that I'm not sure I've ever really had a close, HEALTHY relationship. That's scary to admit.
I'm wondering if anyone has had any experiences like this. As much as I enjoy the relaxation exercises - deep breathing, the progressive muscle relaxation tapes, etc - I'm noticing they seem to make me feel a little worse. Although my anxiety is pretty high while I'm there, most of the time anxiety is not at all a problem for me. Never has been. If anything, I feel like I need to be sped up, not relaxed.. you know? And sometimes after 20 min relaxation exercise I can almost feel my mood drop a notch or 2. Has anyone else experienced that?
I did get to meet with the psychiatrist today. Anne had told me a few weeks ago not to get him because I wouldnt like him... she was very right. What a jerk. Well, first of all, he perscribed 20mg celexa, to be moved up to 40mg soon. I've had no luck with prozac or zoloft so I expressed some concern about a drug that is so similar, but he pretty much blew me off. Okay, whatever. (I've had several courses in psychopharmacology, so its an area I'm pretty familar with.) Then I told him I cant have anything that has weight gain as a major side effect because if I gain weight, I'll either stop taking it all together or start restricting food intake as I have in the past. A minute later after he perscribed celexa I asked about this and he said that it'll be fine and if I gain weight, "I'll handle it". Well yeah I'll handle it, but hurting myself! He also told me I was being defensive about the suggestion that I could be bipolar. I'm NOT bipolar. I have been exaluated by probably 10 pdocs and therapists over the years and not one has ever said I'm bipolar. There's just no way. He said he wants to watch for it. So basically, he didnt listen to a word I said. Luckily, this is not the man I will follow up with after I get out of the day program, but it just made me so, so mad. Just because I'm young and in crisis doesnt mean I'm not able to have some say in my treatment. But anwyay, I took the first celexa tonight. I completely crashed after taking it, which I'm hoping isnt related.. but I dont know. I'm feeling a little better now.
Also, Anne still did not call me back. Read the post above if you're interested in what happened. I just cant believe that. She has got to really hate me. I dont know any other explanation. Unless shes just picked a really bad time to try to "teach me a lesson". It hurts.
Basically thats it. I'm feeling the depression get worse every day. The program is good, and I'm usually somewhat stable while I'm there - being around people, feeling heard, etc - but then I leave, and boom. I'm not sure any of this can be fixed in a week or so. They seem to feel optimistic that it can, but the drugs dont work that fast and I just dont know. We'll see.
poster:wishingstar
thread:685077
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/685720.html