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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on May 29, 2006, at 19:36:19
I’m SO ANGRY. I’m furious.
He forgot that it was the anniversary of the day those guys raped me. Even though I told him the week before, and the week before that. Even though we changed our usual appointment day so that I would see him on the anniversary. Even though I’d talked about wanting to see him on the anniversary, and about what else I might do that day. Even though we’d discussed the importance of anniversaries and ways of coping with pain.
Angry angry angry angry angry angry angry angry angry angry angry. Angry.
I’m enraged, annoyed, bitter, resentful, fuming, irate, f*cked off, belligerent, outraged, wild, obstreperous, seething and desperate.
How could he forget? How could he forget? It was so important to me.
I know, I know. He’s human. He’s flawed.
But what’s the point of therapy if he can’t remember something so important? Why bother telling him anything? How can he actually help me if he can’t remember the biggest and most important stuff?
I damn well wish *I* could forget. I’ve been trying to forget for half my life. And I can’t forget, so I’m doing therapy. I feel SO JEALOUS that he can forget such serious stuff so easily.
I HATE HIS GUTS. I wish he’d just go away and leave me alone, the b*stard. I wish he’d just f*ck off. How can he expect me to put up with his professional sh*t and stupid bl**dy boundaries and pretend it’s for my benefit, and then forget the one thing I really wanted him to remember? And yes, I did make sure he knew it was a big deal to me.
F*ckwit. He can smell the coffee but he can’t find a cup. He forgot to pay his brain bill. His screen’s too small to get the big picture. He’s getting on my one remaining nerve.
I’m SO angry…
How hard would it have been to get that one thing right, when it was so important to me?
Or… what the F*CK is going on in his unconscious that he would forget something like that?
I could live with it if I thought there were a reason. It’s the idea that he casually and carelessly forgot that I can’t cope with. If he forgot because it’s a difficult topic for him, or because he has a lot of personal stress right now, then I can accept it. I can understand human weakness. I just can’t understand a relationship in which he can make all kinds of errors and I just have to suck it up because he’s a f*cking blank slate.
I don’t see any point in continuing. I don’t believe he can help me any more. I could go on forever telling him about superficial things. But what’s the point of that if I can never get to the deeper stuff with him? What’s the point, if he forgets the things that are really important to me? I’ve lost all hope.
Posted by annierose on May 29, 2006, at 19:57:20
In reply to AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (***TRIGGER***), posted by Tamar on May 29, 2006, at 19:36:19
You need to tell him point blank how ANGRY you feel and all that other stuff!! He NEEDS to know. Please go to your next appointment and SHARE all of this.
He should not have forgotten. Could it be possible that he was waiting for you to bring up the topic? I hate when they do that BTW.
Anger is a hard topic to work through. I'm working with these feeling though, and I do see hope, but am still angry a lot of the time. I'm sorry you are so upset. I wish my magic wand was working so I could zap you with good wishes.
Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2006, at 21:04:23
In reply to AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (***TRIGGER***), posted by Tamar on May 29, 2006, at 19:36:19
I understand why you're so angry. I think Annierose is right. I think sometimes they do wait for us to bring things up. I also think that unfortunately they're sometimes a bit too human and forget. Whichever this is, it is best to talk to him about it.
I'm certainly not above being angry with my therapist for forgetting things. But I also (usually) bring things up first so that I won't be hurt. :(
I think they can still help us, even with their flaws. I think the flaws hurt us a heck of a lot, and it ends up being another relationship we need therapy *for*, but hopefully they're willing to do that with us as well.
I'm so sorry you're hurting.
Posted by Daisym on May 29, 2006, at 21:46:17
In reply to AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (***TRIGGER***), posted by Tamar on May 29, 2006, at 19:36:19
I'm sorry you are hurting so much Tamar. You know, some things are just deal breakers. I think you should tell him honestly how you feel and how mad you are. He screwed up and I hope he apologizes. You might need to talk about why you are so upset but that doesn't mean he shouldn't own his part in causing the upset.
I hope you get what you need. Don't give up all hope. He isn't the only keeper of the flame.
Posted by Jost on May 29, 2006, at 23:27:40
In reply to Re: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (***TRIGGER***), posted by Daisym on May 29, 2006, at 21:46:17
That's really really a shame.
Everyone else is right that you need to talk about it. Not only about the fact that you needed to talk that subject. and your anger-- but more generally--that you need him to bring things up at times.
I'm sure he couldn't have forgotten-- and I think it was probably a mistake that he didn't bring it up. Ask why-- maybe he had an idea, as misguided or unhelpful as it might have been. Then at least you can get into why it isn't helpful now-- or why he wanted you to take that step.
So sorry, though,
Jost
Posted by Tamar on May 30, 2006, at 4:58:21
In reply to Re: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (***TRIGGER**, posted by Jost on May 29, 2006, at 23:27:40
I brought it up ten minutes into the session, after he'd asked about a few other things. And at that point he said he had forgotten. He actually admitted it.
I didn't expect him to bring it up. I didn't mind being the one to bring it up. But I'm so angry and hurt that he had actually forgotten.
My husband says it was foolish of him to admit that he'd forgotten; that he could have recovered by saying he was waiting for me to bring it up. I don't know... admitting he'd forgotten was honest, at least, and that's very important to me. But really I wish he hadn't forgotten in the first place.
And I think the reason I'm angry is that I've been struggling so much to try to do things his way (by accepting the boundaries and so on) and then he lets me down by failing to be prepared for a session that I'd flagged as particularly important.
So now I want to say to him, "F*ck the boundaries. F*ck doing things your way. Come for a walk with me and let me give the transference a kick up the *ss. Because if you're going to be allowed to forget that this is a professional relationship, then you can bl**dy well allow me to forget it for 45 minutes." Or something like that.
Grrr.....
Thanks everyone for your support.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 30, 2006, at 7:33:02
In reply to He definitely forgot, posted by Tamar on May 30, 2006, at 4:58:21
> And at that point he said he had forgotten. He actually admitted it.
I'm probably going to upset you even more to say that I'm glad you're this angry. This is good for you, unless you were unable to show any of it to him. I don't mind, knowing about your anger. I quite understand anger.
Thank you for the extra information.
I think there are many kinds of forgetting. He didn't forget, as in not remembering the signficance of what happened to you. He didn't forget what he knew about your need for working on this until it got more comfortable. Coming at it from the other end of meaning, he at least forgot to keep the concept in his working memory. Somewhere there, or in between, lies the truth in his meaning.
Your reaction is not all about him, as I perceive it.
What is wonderful is that you are attached to the stored emotion, so that you can touch it, and work it. Stored emotions never die, but they can kill the container they're in. Bottled up anger hurts the container it's stored in, more than the one that it's poured in. (Within reason.) You've at least got the cork out of your anger bottle.
Anger teaches me that my needs haven't been met. Anger is something I pull over me, like a cloak. The problem is, I can forget why I am angry. I can forget which need(s) were involved. Anger tells me to look at my needs. Do you know, which needs you're angry about?
Lar
Posted by Tamar on May 30, 2006, at 8:30:37
In reply to Re: He definitely forgot » Tamar, posted by Larry Hoover on May 30, 2006, at 7:33:02
Hi Larry,
> I'm probably going to upset you even more to say that I'm glad you're this angry. This is good for you, unless you were unable to show any of it to him. I don't mind, knowing about your anger. I quite understand anger.
I think you're right. It's a step in the right direction to be able to be this angry. I wasn't able to show it at all during the session, but I plan to let him know all about it tomorrow...
> I think there are many kinds of forgetting. He didn't forget, as in not remembering the signficance of what happened to you. He didn't forget what he knew about your need for working on this until it got more comfortable. Coming at it from the other end of meaning, he at least forgot to keep the concept in his working memory. Somewhere there, or in between, lies the truth in his meaning.
That's true. He's not *completely* inept!
> Your reaction is not all about him, as I perceive it.
No, although I think I'm not totally over-reacting. I think he really does deserve a big portion of this anger. I think it was quite careless of him to forget. But I'll admit that some of it is about other stuff.
> What is wonderful is that you are attached to the stored emotion, so that you can touch it, and work it. Stored emotions never die, but they can kill the container they're in. Bottled up anger hurts the container it's stored in, more than the one that it's poured in. (Within reason.) You've at least got the cork out of your anger bottle.
Yeah, and I'm afraid it's going to contaminate everything around me...
> Anger teaches me that my needs haven't been met. Anger is something I pull over me, like a cloak. The problem is, I can forget why I am angry. I can forget which need(s) were involved. Anger tells me to look at my needs. Do you know, which needs you're angry about?That's a really good question. I think I need to be heard and understood. I need to be visible (or audible).
So I wondered... can I expect any of my needs to be met in therapy? Or is therapy really about discovering what my needs are so that I can get them met elsewhere? I don't expect my therapist to meet my need for comfort, but is it reasonable to expect him to meet my need to be heard?
I just don't know what I'm doing any more...
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2006, at 8:56:19
In reply to He definitely forgot, posted by Tamar on May 30, 2006, at 4:58:21
I'm sorry. Their actions can hurt a lot. And they often don't understand that.
You said something the other day about being afraid to bring something up with him because you're afraid his reaction would be more than you can bear. I didn't answer, mostly because I really understand what you're saying.
I don't know what the *right* thing to do for therapy. But in my experience the less painful thing is to try to invest less in them. Easier said than done. :(
Posted by Poet on May 30, 2006, at 9:15:49
In reply to He definitely forgot, posted by Tamar on May 30, 2006, at 4:58:21
Hi Tamar,
I second your argh and send a cyber slap on the head to your therapist. Maybe that'll help him remember the important things.
I think it's good that he admited to forgetting, but also think he owes you a major apology. What would happen if you actually told him what you wrote: " Because if you're going to be allowed to forget that this is a professional relationship, then you can bl**dy well allow me to forget it for 45 minutes." I think he'd get the message that you're angry and hurt and how he contributed to those feelings by *forgetting.*
It's okay to be angry at your T, it's not okay to be angry at yourself because of it. Vent that anger here. Vent it at your T. Just don't hold it in and let it attack you. You don't deserve it.
Take care. Keep us posted.
Poet
Posted by caraher on May 30, 2006, at 11:03:37
In reply to He definitely forgot, posted by Tamar on May 30, 2006, at 4:58:21
I'd like to second a lot of what Larry said. My T pointed out that, although it's a very weird kind of relationship. But in any relationship, if you tell someone about a date of great importance to you, be it a birthday, aniversary, or the day you expect your new computer to arrive, and they flat-out forget anger is a pretty normal response. His being a T should make the forgetting particularly galling.
I'm especially glad you're angry because one depressed response would be to take that forgetting as evidence that you're somehow unimportant. Instead, you're saying you have a right to attention and care. That's a good thing!
Posted by fairywings on May 30, 2006, at 13:23:34
In reply to He definitely forgot, posted by Tamar on May 30, 2006, at 4:58:21
(((Tamar)))
I agree with Larry - the anger is a good sign - I hope you can tell him exactly how you feel. I can't understand why he didn't write such an important anniversary down, so he didn't forget!
fw
Posted by orchid on May 30, 2006, at 19:03:59
In reply to AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (***TRIGGER***), posted by Tamar on May 29, 2006, at 19:36:19
You are right to be angry. Anyone would be. And I can't believe your T would forget such an important date.
I am sure if I were in your position, my response would have been the same. There is no excuse for his behavior - none at all.
But maybe, for some men especially, dates aren't all that important. Maybe your T is of that type who doesn't remember people's birthdays anniversaries etc? The only reason I am saying this is, I don't want you to take his forgetfullness personally. I mean, don't take it out on yourself and start wondering about your worth etc. (I know I would), but really it isn't about you. Maybe he forgets dates all the time, and not just this once.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 30, 2006, at 21:25:07
In reply to Re: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (***TRIGGER***) » Tamar, posted by orchid on May 30, 2006, at 19:03:59
> Maybe he forgets dates all the time, and not just this once.
As a date-forgetterer, I am grateful for your understanding.
It's easy to make a rule than blames a man for being who he is, but a lot harder to realize that the rule wasn't fair in the first place.
Bless you,
Lar
Posted by muffled on May 31, 2006, at 14:54:23
In reply to He definitely forgot, posted by Tamar on May 30, 2006, at 4:58:21
Gosh Tamar, I just read thru this thread and I'm so sorry.
Sometimes things just SUCK.
I really hope you gave your T sh*t.
My T yesterday said, 'oh, sorry I didn't return your calls, I was very busy, we went to a wedding this weekend', or something like that.
Right.
Like she couldn't have taken 5 mins. out of her BUSY life to phone me when she knew I was f*cked up.
Yeah, see, your inspiring me. Mebbe i'll give her sh*t. I'm sorta scared to cuz then she'll reject me.
I will watch to hear what happens with your T.
Thanks for posting bout this.
(((((((((((((((Tamar))))))))))))))))))
Muffly
P.S. I REALLY hope you piss on his car!
This is the end of the thread.
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