Posted by Tamar on May 29, 2006, at 19:36:19
I’m SO ANGRY. I’m furious.
He forgot that it was the anniversary of the day those guys raped me. Even though I told him the week before, and the week before that. Even though we changed our usual appointment day so that I would see him on the anniversary. Even though I’d talked about wanting to see him on the anniversary, and about what else I might do that day. Even though we’d discussed the importance of anniversaries and ways of coping with pain.
Angry angry angry angry angry angry angry angry angry angry angry. Angry.
I’m enraged, annoyed, bitter, resentful, fuming, irate, f*cked off, belligerent, outraged, wild, obstreperous, seething and desperate.
How could he forget? How could he forget? It was so important to me.
I know, I know. He’s human. He’s flawed.
But what’s the point of therapy if he can’t remember something so important? Why bother telling him anything? How can he actually help me if he can’t remember the biggest and most important stuff?
I damn well wish *I* could forget. I’ve been trying to forget for half my life. And I can’t forget, so I’m doing therapy. I feel SO JEALOUS that he can forget such serious stuff so easily.
I HATE HIS GUTS. I wish he’d just go away and leave me alone, the b*stard. I wish he’d just f*ck off. How can he expect me to put up with his professional sh*t and stupid bl**dy boundaries and pretend it’s for my benefit, and then forget the one thing I really wanted him to remember? And yes, I did make sure he knew it was a big deal to me.
F*ckwit. He can smell the coffee but he can’t find a cup. He forgot to pay his brain bill. His screen’s too small to get the big picture. He’s getting on my one remaining nerve.
I’m SO angry…
How hard would it have been to get that one thing right, when it was so important to me?
Or… what the F*CK is going on in his unconscious that he would forget something like that?
I could live with it if I thought there were a reason. It’s the idea that he casually and carelessly forgot that I can’t cope with. If he forgot because it’s a difficult topic for him, or because he has a lot of personal stress right now, then I can accept it. I can understand human weakness. I just can’t understand a relationship in which he can make all kinds of errors and I just have to suck it up because he’s a f*cking blank slate.
I don’t see any point in continuing. I don’t believe he can help me any more. I could go on forever telling him about superficial things. But what’s the point of that if I can never get to the deeper stuff with him? What’s the point, if he forgets the things that are really important to me? I’ve lost all hope.
poster:Tamar
thread:650213
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/650213.html