![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 17:10:10
I have always had some problem throughout my life.. All along, all the people I dealt with, were way above me throughout.. Like, they had more status, better connections, more prestigious family background, etc.
I didn't have this problem when I was in my hometown, but once I came to college in a different town, and ever since after that, all my best friends/people who I end up with closely are all from very prestigious families..
My best friend's family is full of millionaires, and people from Oxford and Standford and GSB and they are all vice presidents and directors and millionaires.. I had anohter close friend, his family was full of ph D s and top notch people. Many of my friends have relatives all over the world.. And even my ex T, was from a very prestigious family himself. I used to feel such a low person when I spoke to him.. I always had to accommodate his time pressures and other commitments, and I always felt, I mattered the least to him amongst his other high priority people and issues.. Not always, and actually many times I forgot he was such a VIP, but sometimes when he didn't reply, I always used to attribute it to him being such a VIP and me being such a social zero..
And in my work, everyone else is highly qualified than me.. They are all pretty much from Ivy Leagus schoold and have much more netwokring skills, and everybody is so very fancy..
I am tired of putting up with people who are always much higher than me.. There is always some kind of pressure and I am always the "low girl" so to speak..
I wish I don't have this problem.. But to do that, I would have to sacrifice my job and take a job in a more normal company. I am right now in one of the Top most companies in the world.. and it is not helping. There is just way too much pressure.. Everybody around me has a patent, has a masters from Stanford/Cornell/MIT/ and it is really pulling my self esteem quite down.. But I don't want to settle for a company which is worse just for the sake of it.. And performance wise, if I put in some dedication, I really perform well.. I have been doing well again these past 2 months, and everybody is praising my contribution.. so that is not so much the question.. But the pressure is really high..
Any advice on how to deal with this??
Posted by Tamar on July 12, 2005, at 17:51:52
In reply to Always having to deal with people much above me!!, posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 17:10:10
Well, maybe it would help to focus on this:
> I am right now in one of the Top most companies in the world
and remember that you got there on your own merits. Perhaps you don't have a degree from an Ivy League university, and perhaps you don't have a PhD and a super-rich family. But whatever your background you got that job. You deserve to be there because you're clever and skilled enough to do the job.
That surely counts in your favour because you didn't have the advantages many of your colleagues have enjoyed. It says a lot for you that you were able to break into such a prestigious company.
It can be hard dealing with people who come from advantaged backgrounds. But most people whose opinions are worthwhile are people who will admire you for your skills and the quality of your work and won't look down on you because of your different background.
And not only that, they might actually consider your different perspective an advantage to the company. Any enterprise needs a range of perspectives in order to be successful.
You deserve to be in that job. Possibly more than some of your colleagues because you have had to work harder to get there, because you are a woman and from India and from a completely different culture.
Some of the people in your life might seem intimidating, but they put on their pants one leg at a time, just like everyone else. You hold your head high, pinkeye.
Tamar
Posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 18:11:21
In reply to Always having to deal with people much above me!!, posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 17:10:10
Yeah its hard.
I get that quite a lot.
Just being at uni.
I come from a background of abuse and welfare and living in a home.
And now I sit over lunch with my officemate who is deciding what to do with her substantial trust fund.
And applying to places
(Not that I got in WAH!)
But yeah. I get what you mean. And I don't feel I fit in all that well.But they are people. Just like you. And you are a person too. Just like them. I know it can be hard. But... Thats ok. Sounds to me like you have done well with your life :-)
Posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 18:44:50
In reply to Re: Always having to deal with people much above me!! » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on July 12, 2005, at 17:51:52
Thanks Tamar and Alex.. But actually I feel many times like a fish out of the water.. It is really emotionally taxing to be with people who are all way above me - All the time - in work, among friends - it is really taxing. And I always feel like I have nothing to offer back..
And certain things in work, come only from exposure and breeding.. Like how to present in meetings, how to talk to people, and talking in social gatherings in company - well I feel, I almost have nothing to contribute to.. All I know about is India and my own ideas, and I don't really know too much about anything else. People seem to like me in work - but I always mostly keep quite and just mind my own business.. I don't socialize much, because I don't know what to talk. And I always feel kind of like a 2 nd grader amongst a bunch of college grads frankly. They all seem way above me.. And the way I manage it just go about my own business and keeping quite most of the times in gatherings and meetings.
Like last week, my best friend was talking about her cousin visiting her from UK, how she is going to do her college in Oxford, how some big company is going to sponsor her studies.. And week before that, her another cousin was jsut promoted to being a director in a bank, and he is dealing all this multimillion dollar deals.. And this is the friend I speak to everyday and she has been my best buddy for nearly 12 years.. WEll, I have nothing to offer to her, I feel.. I mean, she has all these relatives who are vice presidents, directors, multi millionaires, and here I am - with practically nothing to offer her back. And it is not just with her.. it happens with many other friends of mine, though not quite to that extent.And I felt such humiliation with my ex T also - initially his family was kind of ok - so I felt very comfortable with him. And besides I didn't really knew about his family very well.. But then, one day his family became almost one of the top notch families in India, and I have been feeling very down after that and feel very hard to demand anything from him.. I always feel he has so much more important people waiting to talk to him and he can like get anybody he wants, and why would he waste time talking to me.. It has become even more pronounced in the past few months, since I realized he is not willing to write to me.. and I blame only myself - and I tried to back away from him but I was not able to.
I have this problem with many people.
Posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 18:47:27
In reply to Re: Always having to deal with people much above me!!, posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 18:44:50
Posted by Jen Star on July 12, 2005, at 19:14:07
In reply to Re: Always having to deal with people much above me!!, posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 18:44:50
hi Pinkeye,
you're a GREAT person, regardless of the degree you have or don't have. You're smart, caring, and interesting.Owning a business, being a CEO or having relatives that are famous don't make someone wonderful. (Rich, maybe, but not necessarily wonderful!)
It sounds to me that you are VERY successful in life. You're smart & educated, you're doing well at a top notch company, and you make a good friend. It's possible that you spend so much time in rarified company that you forget that your business probably represents the top 1% of people in the country. If you think about the "regular" folks who work at McDonalds, wait for buses every day, live in the inner city, etc -- you might see how well you are doing and how far you have come. I think it's dangerous to compare yourself only to those immediately around you!
Your best friend sounds like she has successuful relatives. But what does SHE do? If she mostly tell you stories about her relatives, that's cool, but it doesn't reflect HER status and what SHE has accomplished.
She is not the sum of her family, just as you are not the sum of your family. You represent yourself. You mentioned that you like to watch movies in several languages, read, do lots of hobbies. To me it sounds like you are well-rounded & interesting! Can you try to talk with your friend about regular stuff and NOT about families & relatives & stuff? IF she talks about them all the time, is it possible that she feels insecure too and talks about them a lot to pump herself up? (I apologize if this is out of line -- I'm just fishing here!)
I think you're a great person. Please don't be insecure about yourself!
JenStar
Posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 19:47:37
In reply to Re: Always having to deal with people much above me!!, posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 18:44:50
> But actually I feel many times like a fish out of the water..
Yeah, me too.
>It is really emotionally taxing to be with people who are all way above me - All the time - in work, among friends - it is really taxing. And I always feel like I have nothing to offer back..
Yeah. But then when you see them as being 'above you' then you already place yourself on a level below them and by the sounds of it that is what makes it so very hard. They aren't better than you you know. You are all just people...
> And certain things in work, come only from exposure and breeding.. Like how to present in meetings, how to talk to people, and talking in social gatherings in company - well I feel, I almost have nothing to contribute to..Yeah. A lot of it really is about exposure / environment though. You can learn all of that. What makes it hard for me is that I haven't had a lot of the experiences they have. With travel. With family. It can make it hard to relate and really very hard when they ask me about myself or try the usual social chit chat. But as they get to know you... Your personality shines thorough :-)
>I don't really know too much about anything else. People seem to like me in work - but I always mostly keep quite and just mind my own business..
Maybe they like you because you are a nice person and you aren't overly opinionated.
>I don't socialize much, because I don't know what to talk. And I always feel kind of like a 2 nd grader amongst a bunch of college grads frankly. They all seem way above me..
Sounds like low self-esteem to me...
> Like last week, my best friend was talking about her cousin visiting her from UK, how she is going to do her college in Oxford, how some big company is going to sponsor her studies.. And week before that, her another cousin was jsut promoted to being a director in a bank, and he is dealing all this multimillion dollar deals.. And this is the friend I speak to everyday and she has been my best buddy for nearly 12 years..Yeah. I'm kind of used to people trying to talk themselves up. But it is hard when you realise that they aren't trying to talk themselves up: they are just telling you about their lives. I'm a bit like that with one of my office mates. I just can't believe that she really doesnt' have to lift a finger for the rest of her life with her trust fund. The options she has... The opportunities she has... But that being said she strikes me as fairly aimless... Too many opportunities too much freedom not enough direction she can afford to be half hearted about everything. She doesn't work terribly hard. But then she doesn't need to. She doesn't know what she wants to do. But then she doesn't need to do anything. She isn't passionate about anything.
>vice presidents, directors, multi millionaires, and here I am - with practically nothing to offer her back.
What does being a vice president, a director, a multi millionaire have to do with being a good friend? What does it have to do with being able to listen? To have a little fun with her? With being a nice person. Nothing. Nothing at all.
> I have this problem with many people.
Sounds like self-esteem to me...
Posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 20:18:41
In reply to Re: Always having to deal with people much above me!! » pinkeye, posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 19:47:37
Thanks JenStar and Alex..
Maybe you guys are right.. I don't have to be too concerned about it.. My friend is not trying to boast about it.. that is her life.. In fact, she is under quite a bit of pressure to keep up to her relative's standard.. And she puts herself and her husband through pressure because she is not a millionaire yet!!. Atleast I don't do it and I don't pressurize my husband.
But for many years, I was almost half expecting that she would leave me - like kind of stop being friends with me, because I almost always come up short when compared to her.. But she hasn't left me so far, and I really keep wondering why she keeps talking to me.. It is almost always like - oh, now she is going to stop talking to me, now she is going to stop talking to me..And actually I had become so nauseated with all these hi fi people, that for sometime I would stop talking to some one if I find out they are rich or from hi fi families.. That is why I feel so much comfortable with babble where everyone is just human.. and I don't have to keep up to someone or worry about what I have got to offer them back. Thankfully, my husband is like me, comes from a very normal family, and I don't feel pressured at all with him. That is some solace..
Maybe it is some self esteem problem.. But it is really hard to live with all these high fi group of people. IT is really really hard.. especially if you are not one of them.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 20:33:37
In reply to For JenStar and Alex, posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 20:18:41
Some people like to surround themselves with people who make the person feel better about themself. I'm not suggesting that your friend is like this. I'm just saying that quite a lot of people do this. Even if someone thinks they are better than you (which they aren't) then they might still like spending time with you if you ooh and aah and make the right noises and appear to be suitably impressed.
> Maybe it is some self esteem problem..
I think it is definately a self-esteem problem.
>But it is really hard to live with all these high fi group of people. IT is really really hard.. especially if you are not one of them.
And its that that makes me think that that is the problem. You are determined to compare yourself to them on things where you come up short. You are determined to see them as better than you.
How about trying to come up with a list of qualities that you have that your friend doesn't have to such an extent.
You have already noticed that she has a pressurised environment with respect to $$$. Thats got to impact on her marriage too.
I wouldn't be happy under that much pressure :-(
Posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 21:10:18
In reply to Re: For JenStar and Alex » pinkeye, posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 20:33:37
I don't know why she is still with me.. I don't think there is anything that I am better at than her - she is more beautiful, richer, more talented, has better family background, smarter than me. I have been expecting her to ditch me for nearly 12 years now.. honestly, I had been expecting that once we finished college and she went to work, she wouldn't talk to me.. but she continues to do till today. And in fact claims that I am her only best friend.. And I have told her many times to find other people to talk to and to open up to other people.. but for some reason, she dosen't find herself being close friends with other people.
Maybe she has problem relating to people.. Many of our classmates used to avoid her, because at that time she was very arrogant, and rude and proud and wouldn't talk to people who had lesser grades.. So maybe that is why she stuck with me because I didn't mind it..and in fact she was never like that to me much.. a few times perhaps, but she always apologized to me and I didn't mind it much.. In fact I used to try to correct her many times on how to put words across.. But now she is not like that, and tries to open up more..
But it really is not just with her.. I always have this problem with many people.. Somehow I end up being very close to people who somehow magically end up being super smarts and from good families.. even though I don't want to, I always end up being thrown into people like that. I have really tried to avoid it. Even with my ex T - I initially liked him only because I thought he was normal.. I knew his family was somewhat prestigious, but I never really thought to this extent.. And I didn't know it for quite a long time.. I thoguht he was a very very ordinary guy for sometime. Only after much later, I realized he was not at all ordinary.. I was thinking like, "If I had known this, I wouldn't have even spoken to you..".. Same thing happened with another close friend of mine.. I had no clue that his family is full of ph ds and super smarts.. after more than a year of knowing him, he told me about his family in detail..
> Some people like to surround themselves with people who make the person feel better about themself. I'm not suggesting that your friend is like this. I'm just saying that quite a lot of people do this. Even if someone thinks they are better than you (which they aren't) then they might still like spending time with you if you ooh and aah and make the right noises and appear to be suitably impressed.
>
> > Maybe it is some self esteem problem..
>
> I think it is definately a self-esteem problem.
>
> >But it is really hard to live with all these high fi group of people. IT is really really hard.. especially if you are not one of them.
>
> And its that that makes me think that that is the problem. You are determined to compare yourself to them on things where you come up short. You are determined to see them as better than you.
>
> How about trying to come up with a list of qualities that you have that your friend doesn't have to such an extent.
>
> You have already noticed that she has a pressurised environment with respect to $$$. Thats got to impact on her marriage too.
> I wouldn't be happy under that much pressure :-(
>
>
Posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 21:46:34
In reply to Re: For JenStar and Alex » alexandra_k, posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 21:10:18
> Maybe she has problem relating to people.. Many of our classmates used to avoid her, because at that time she was very arrogant, and rude and proud and wouldn't talk to people who had lesser grades..
Well then it sounds to me like you have a lot on her! And that she is very lucky to have you.
>So maybe that is why she stuck with me because I didn't mind it..and in fact she was never like that to me much.. a few times perhaps, but she always apologized to me and I didn't mind it much.. In fact I used to try to correct her many times on how to put words across.. But now she is not like that, and tries to open up more..
Thats good. It does sound like initially she was your friend because you made her feel better about herself. And by the sounds of it... You are the only one who has stuck by her and put up with her sh*t. I'm pleased that she isn't so like that anymore. That she has learned to trust you and that she tries to open up to you. It sounds like a lot of her life is pressure pressure pressure. You might well be the only person in the world who she can be honest with. Be herself with. And you don't judge her for it. In fact, in spite of what sounds like her many failings, you still think she is somehow better than you.
Maybe... It is that you end up being really very focused on these things because of your insecurities. But I really agree with the point that the achievements of somebodies family doesn't tell you sh*t about their personal achievements. But then I need to believe that... Because of my family. Or my lack thereof.Self-esteem.
Really.IMO nobody is 'better' than anybody else.
Some people do better in some respects.
But it sounds to me like it is YOU that is so focused on a few very particular things as marks of success: money, family, where someone went to school, what qualification they got.
That doesn't tell you sh*t about whether they are a nice person or not. It doesn't tell you sh*t about whether they are happy or not. It doesn't tell you sh*t about whether they have / are capable of having meaningful relationships or not.I think being a nice person, a good person is so very much more important than the above marks of success.
And it sounds to me like you are doing better with respect to most of those with your friend. Or that at the very least you both help each other out.
I'm very wary of those marks of success...
I guess I have to be because of where I am at in life.
My parents were lower middle class and I got taken from their care and put in a home at any rate so I guess that makes me poor.
I never had a trust fund.
I realise now... That I didn't get into those schools because I am *who* from the university of *where*??? with unknown referees.
And they have so very many applicants that they have a lot of leeway to focus on people from institutions they want to perpeptuate the reputation of to encourage peoples parents to pay the exorbatant fees at undergrad level.
And of course they take the token student from somewhere else or from a background of trailer trash just to counter the image.But those aren't things that people have any say over.
We don't pick what we are born to.I don't think these people are better than me.
And when I think of my office mate I don't feel she is better than me at all. Luckier than me in some respects, yes. But then in other ways I feel a little sorry for her. And people who are pressurised a great deal with all kinds of expectations... Well, I feel a little sorry for them too.Its hard for everyone to rise above that sh*t.
Its hard for the people without
Its hard for the people with.
But then you get some people who are wealthy and super-intelligent and can play sport really well and are really artistic and are really very genuinely nice people too...
And well... That can be hard.
That can be hard to take.
My flatmate over summer was like that.
He was such a terrificly nice guy and so was his family.
Its when I see that that I feel a little sad.
:-(
Posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 21:54:02
In reply to Re: For JenStar and Alex » pinkeye, posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 20:33:37
Maybe you are right about the self esteem issues.. Maybe I just compare myself unfavourably to people all the time.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 22:08:28
In reply to Re: For JenStar and Alex » pinkeye, posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 21:46:34
It was christmas eve and I was spending it alone.
His family had come over from Washington.
His sister (from Boston)
His parents (who had spent quite a while in India)
His siters boyfriend (from Spain).
They were going to go down to walk the Milford track (takes a couple days) starting christmas day.They invited me to join them Christmas eve.
I felt really very stupid and like I was intruding but I could hardly say no.
So I went.
And there were the usual awkwardnesses of how I was going to spend Christmas day
And about my family
But once they sort of realised...
They dropped it and were really very nice.
And it ended up being a really nice time.
And they said I was welcome to come stay if I ever got to the US (which I would never dare to in a million years) - but I definately got the impression that they meant it really genuinely.And they were so nice.
And it was about then that I learned...
That I couldn't hate people just because of their luck.
And that you just have to respect people for being nice.
Its hard to be nice when you have to go without because it is so easy to become bitter.
And it is hard to be nice when you have it all
becaue it is so easy to think you are better than everyone else.
And so being nice is an achievement for everyone and all are equal in that respect. All are equal and it is what you decide to do with your life.But... It sounds like it isn't just that you are so focused on these marks of success. Your friend is. Your friend is focused on them. And so that rubs off on you and you egg each other on so to speak.
It is hard.
I used to think about this a great deal.
I struggled a lot when I was in Aus. a couple summers ago.
The majority of people there were pretty wealthy.
Most were going on holiday over summer.
Europe.
Wherever.
I couldn't even afford to get back to NZ.
And even if I could
What would be the point?
I was very impressed that the uni was open christmas day
And I had a very nice chat with the security guard.
Thats my kind of place
:-)And I know that compared with the places I applied to in the US I have a much much better chance of fitting in and coming to feel accepted there.
I mean, I don't fit in if I focus on the money and the family ties and the travelling etc etc.
But... There are less applicants and I got a scholarship there already (only 2 places and open to all students in NZ and Australia) and with respect to world rankings (which I'll admit I'm probably a little TOO hung up on) they do better (in my area) than the places I applied to in the US anyway. Thats the irony.The ground feels more level for me there.
I'm kinda glad I didn't get into the US.
I think there is more pressure...
More of a gap between rich and poor...
A more materialistic focus...
Then what there is in Australasia.
And over here... Well, thats been hard enough for me.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 22:09:31
In reply to Re: For JenStar and Alex » alexandra_k, posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 21:54:02
Sorry - we crossed posts.
Yes.
I think it does sound like you compare yourself unfavourably all the time.
And I worry a little...
That your friend might like it that way...
Posted by Jen Star on July 12, 2005, at 23:40:31
In reply to Re: For JenStar and Alex » pinkeye, posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 22:09:31
Pinkeye,
I think Alex has made some really good points! Is it possible that your friend notices your insecurity and kind of likes it? Maybe she enjoys being seen as the rich & powerful one in the relationship? Some people do that - they try to set up imbalanced relationship so they can feel powerful.The things is, I feel that you are equal and better than her in many ways. You just don't let yourself see it. You're smart, talented, kind, interesting and fun. you just don't value these things in yourself!
The other thing is, I think it's important to have friends with whom you don't HAVE to compare yourself all the time. My favorite friends are the ones with whom I feel at ease, secure, loved, and respected. Some of them make more money than I do, some less; some are more "successful" at work, some less -- but that all falls away when we're together and we just have fun. Do you have friends with whom you can just be YOU and have a good time?
I think if you respected yourself more and had more confidence in yourself, you wouldn't care as much about prestige & the trappings of success. But then again I didn't grow up in India; I understand that in India money, wealth, and family connections are HUGE and EVERYTHING-ISH (correct me if I'm wrong!) to many people, and that social status is HUGE, much more so than in the USA. So I can see that if you grew up being compared always on those criteria, it would be hard to stop doing it. And it would be very hard to judge yourself on kindness, grace, intellect, humor.
I've read that one way to help improve your self esteem is to act like you're hot sh*t even if you don't feel that way inside. Hold your head high, throw your shoulders back, and walk tall. Never stutter. Never ever say, "It's probably not a great idea, but I think..." -- instead say, "I have a very good idea that I want to share with you." Always act with confidence, even if you're cringing inside. Try to speak up at least once in EVERY meeting with an idea or a critique. This makes people notice you in a good way. Doing these things helps build an air of confidence around you, and over time it will feel natural. And it WILL help other people see you as someone who respects themself.
((pinkeye))
take care!
JenStar
Posted by Jen Star on July 12, 2005, at 23:48:28
In reply to Always having to deal with people much above me!!, posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 17:10:10
hi Pinkeye,
it's me again! I just wanted to reiterate that I think you're just as worthy as any of those "top notch" people you spoke of. Life is not just about money and prestige and jobs. It's also about finding happiness, connecting with any spirituality in yourself, and enjoying the time with good people. I really believe that. Of course I worry about money too, and want to do well at my job. But lately I'm trying hard to enjoy simple things and my family while I can.I was at a party the other day. One of the attendees had a PhD in a scientific field, but she was aloof and hard to talk to. Another attendee had a high school degree, and she was vivacious, interesting, and a great conversationalist. Needless to say the PhD spent much of her time alone, sipping wine, while the other woman was the belle of the party. And they were both very successful in their respective careers, so it was impossible to say that one was 'better' than the other. It really made me think about degrees and prestige and preconceived notions. There are so many fascinating & interesting people who don't happen to have advanced degrees (like my Grandma, for instance, who only got a 6th grade education but was very successful in life!)
So I try not to pre-judge people based on school or money. Some of the coolest people are not the CEO's and millionaires! (like me...I'm no millionaire, but I think..I hope...I'm interesting & fun!)
JenStar
Posted by Jen Star on July 12, 2005, at 23:50:49
In reply to Re: Always having to deal with people much above me!! » pinkeye, posted by Jen Star on July 12, 2005, at 23:48:28
I also want to point out that it would be unfair to assume that ALL PhD's are "aloof"/etc. Many of them are ALSO vivacious, interesting and good conversationalists. So all of you PhD's reading...I like y'all too! :)
But I wanted to make the point that ANYONE can be successful & cool, regardless of degree or status in life. Happiness and success seem to hit people of every walk of life and financial realm.
Pinkeye, I think you ARE very successful. I hope you can see that in yourself!
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2005, at 13:48:36
In reply to Re: For JenStar and Alex » pinkeye, posted by alexandra_k on July 12, 2005, at 22:09:31
Thanks Alex.
Yes, I think I have some self esteem issues.. Especially after joining my current company and finding everyone around me being so very good - it has really been a problem.And I think my friend does have some issues as well.. she probably always had.. she cannot stand to be number 2 in anything.. once she came second in the class, and was crying.. So I think she has bigger issues than me..
Posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2005, at 14:01:57
In reply to Re: Always having to deal with people much above me!! » Jen Star, posted by Jen Star on July 12, 2005, at 23:50:49
Thanks a lot JenStar..
I think I always had problem with my self esteem.. and somehow keep thinking I am not that good. Many times in meetings and conferences, I think of something really good to say, but I keep quiet for fear of speaking in group. But then I have noticed a while later somebody else raises the same point and gets all the praises.. And I end up blaming myself for not being able to speak up earlier..
Thinking back, I always had this problem - from childhood. I always think of myself as somehow not being good enough, not being smart enough etc.. And in fact I had always been one of the toppers throughout.. but I always liked other girls better than I ever liked myself. And the same thing is happening till today in work, with friends, and with others..
Sometimes, I get very arrogant.. but that usually is after taking lot of beating from others for a long time.. and that subsides quickly too..
I really get very afraid in work, and even with people I keep thinking friends would leave me and go, and if something goes wrong slightly at work, I automatically take full responsibility for it.
And you are right.. everything is not about money and fame.. and I don't really compare myself with other friends of mine who are not so well off or anything. I don't think I am better than them because I have a better job.. But maybe this particular friend of mine has problems with herself, because of the pressures she is in herself, and maybe I take it on myself when I talk to her..
And maybe it has become even more of an issue now, becuase I am feeling my ex T didn't write to me because he has become this much more of a big shot .. and he even mentioned that he is too busy to write to me because he was having lots of other priorites because he was son of so and so.. I think maybe combined with my already poor self esteem, it was even more of a blow.. I blame myself for not being socially more respectable etc.
Posted by Jen Star on July 13, 2005, at 15:33:10
In reply to Re: Always having to deal with people much above me!! » Jen Star, posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2005, at 14:01:57
hi Pinkeye,
the more I hear about your ex-T, the less impressed with him I get. From what you've written -- the bits and pieces throughout your posts -- he sounds vain, arrogant, concerned with social standing, abusive of his powers, careless with your feelings, and half-hearted at treatment. He also sounds unprofessional, because he made comments about other people he was seeing. Even your current T agreed that he wasn't the best@!A T should never make you feel like a 2nd-class citizen. If he/she does that, he/she is no good. I firmly believe that. Your ex-T may be important and from a big family, but I think he sucks at therapy! Just goes to show...sometimes the big degrees and big names don't mean beans when it comes to getting the job done. :)
I'm sorry he was so disrespectful to you, and didn't treat you the way he should have. I hope you can see that it didn't have much to do with YOU, but had everything to do with HIM and his neuroses and his complications.
I'm sorry if I seem harsh on him. I know you fluctuate between admiration and anger for him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you by saying all this. But honestly I don't think he was acting well and doing a good job for you. You deserve much better, and so do his other patients!
take care!
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2005, at 16:04:22
In reply to Re: Always having to deal with people much above me!! » pinkeye, posted by Jen Star on July 13, 2005, at 15:33:10
No.. I think you got the picture quite wrong ..
I don't think anything else he did with me other than the termination was wrong.. And I am pretty sure he meant it lightly when he said I am busy with other priorities etc.. maybe he meant it as a way of excusing himself.. I took it more personally because of my own self esteem and the other problems I was already having with friends/job etc. I never thought he boasts about it.. In fact I used to think he was very very modest given his background.
And my current T doesn't think bad of him at all.. .All that she says is that I react to him as I react to my father.. and that I project a lot on to him. And my therapy was done in very unusual setting through emails.. Lots of things are my own perception issues.. in fact almost everything is my perception problem.
Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 18:22:06
In reply to Always having to deal with people much above me!!, posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2005, at 17:10:10
My son goes to a school where he's probably the poorest. And definitely comes from the least cultured background.
I've worried sometimes that it will be a problem for him. I know I certainly feel out of place, though people are naturally gracious.
But I also believe in the native equality of people. From what you've said you're good at your job. You're smart. No one is above you. In the end, the things that matter is who you are, not where you come from.
Posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2005, at 19:04:09
In reply to Re: Always having to deal with people much above m » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 18:22:06
Thanks Dinah.. The hardest task for me is to somehow realize I am good.. In a non arrogant way of course, but even that "I am atleast as good as others" is so very hard.. Wonder why I ever got so much of poor self esteem..
> My son goes to a school where he's probably the poorest. And definitely comes from the least cultured background.
>
> I've worried sometimes that it will be a problem for him. I know I certainly feel out of place, though people are naturally gracious.
>
> But I also believe in the native equality of people. From what you've said you're good at your job. You're smart. No one is above you. In the end, the things that matter is who you are, not where you come from.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.