![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 5 to 29 of 29. Go back in thread:
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 7:59:23
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » crushedout, posted by lookdownfish on February 4, 2004, at 7:37:41
thanks, ldf,the only reality check i have makes me feel bad. it's a "she would never see anything in me" reality check. i don't think it's helpful.
unfortunately, i think she would be my ideal lover in every way. she's physically my type, she's the perfect age (11 years older), and she's clever, kind, and sweet. at this point, i'm so depressed because i can't imagine ever being attracted to anyone else. i guess this is probably transference, but it so much doesn't feel like it. it feels like love. like the best love i've ever found. and it's not just because she pays attention to me and is caring and makes me feel special, although of course that's a big part of it. i also worry about her and really want to take care of her. ok, i know that could be transference, too. but i've never been much of a caretaker in my life.
i think i do feel like this when i'm in the room with her. i guess sometimes i don't like her hair that much (she's been doing weird things to it lately), and sometimes her "insights" kind of fall flat and we're both left there feeling stupid and awkward. but that doesn't make me love her any less. it kind of makes her more lovable. because she's imperfect.
you did help, thank you. i mean, i still feel bad, but it helps somehow to feel less alone.
> Hi crushed. I'm sorry it hurts so much. As I remember, you have been doing really well and really dealing with your feelings for your T. I hope the way you are feeling at the moment is just a temporary set back. I have pretty strong feelings for my T as well and it sometimes hurts a lot. I try to remember that the way I feel is born out of what she represents to me - attention, care, consistency and safety, rather than who she is. Fortunately she is 30+ years older than me, so I can quickly remind myself that it is crazy to long for her so much. Is there any kind of reality check you can do? Can you really see you and her as a couple? Is there something she does or says that really annoys you? When you are actually in the room with her do you still feel like this? I find when I'm actually there, the feelings are gone, and she's just my therapist.
> Wish I could help.
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 8:04:49
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2004, at 2:46:07
thanks, alexandra. yes, i mean my T. i guess you may be right, but i'm not able to convince myself that we wouldn't have a good relationship in the real world. i wouldn't expect her to be my T. i wouldn't expect her to pay attention to me the way she does now. and of course i have no idea what the relationship would be like -- you're right that it could be a total disaster. but i don't know that that's necessarily true. it could be a beautiful thing.i wish i could be convinced of what you're saying because i think it would help me. that's not a challenge. i think it would be close to impossible for *you* to convince me. perhaps my t could. maybe i need to talk it through with her.
i did email her yesterday and told her what i was going through and we're going to talk about it on thursday (tomorrow). it's going to be very embarrassing and awkward for me but maybe it will help. she says it will. i don't see how it's going to but everyone keeps saying that so i kind of believe it.
> > I knew the good feelings couldn't last forever. Now I want to die. Why can't she be my lover? This is so wrong.
>
> Do you mean your T? (I do apologise if I have got this totally, horribly, embassasingly wrong... but if I am reading you right...)
>
> Transference is a hard one. I fall in love with every charming p-doc I see and if they wanted to do more than just therapy with me (even for just one night) I would be willing...
>
> Sometimes it feels like so much more than transference. I think that partly why it is so hard is that therapy is so intense. You take a risk and bear your soul - and to be taken seriously and cared about is the most wonderful feeling in the world.
>
> A good T should be attentive, and kind, and make you feel like the special person that you are. But remember that you only see her once per week. (or maybe more, or whatever....) What I mean is that in therapy the therapist (should) put their own needs and desires aside pretty much completely for the good of the client. You are the focus for that time.
>
> That would not, indeed could not be sustained in the real world.
>
> I am sorry. I don't know what to say. But the feelings you have are most likely so strong because she does focus on you so completely in the sessions... A real world relationship would probably be a severe disillusionment. It could not be an equal relationship. You would probably end up hurting and disappointing each other immensely.
>
> I am sorry that you are hurting so much.
>
>
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 8:11:17
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts, posted by gardenergirl on February 4, 2004, at 6:50:35
thanks, gg. but first step? i've been going through this for ages. i hope it's a step but it can't be the first one. i vacillate between grief and ecstasy, but i don't seem to be making any progress as far as getting over the transference. i hope i will.
> Crushedout,
> I'm so sorry you are in pain. I know how much you care about your T and how much you wanted to have your feelings reciprocated. I think Alexandra K's response is right on, and I really don't have much to add to it.
>
> It's perfectly normal to wish for more from your T. As much as it hurts right now, and I'm sure you don't want to hear this right now, but it is a valuable therapeutic experience to go through this. It is the first step towards working through the transference, which I believe you will be able to do in time.
>
> But you are also grieving this loss and will probably experience a variety of feelings. I encourage you to share those feelings with your T, even if you are embarrassed, angry, or afraid of damaging the relationship. If she is worth her salt, and I am guessing she is, then this also will help in the long run.
>
> Please take extra care of yourself at this time. It is a loss, and I know it hurts. And keep posting!
>
> (((crushedout)))
>
> gg
Posted by lookdownfish on February 4, 2004, at 8:17:48
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » lookdownfish, posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 7:59:23
> i think i do feel like this when i'm in the room with her. i guess sometimes i don't like her hair that much (she's been doing weird things to it lately), and sometimes her "insights" kind of fall flat and we're both left there feeling stupid and awkward. but that doesn't make me love her any less. it kind of makes her more lovable. because she's imperfect.yeah - I know what you mean. Sometimes my T's insights sound like total rubbish or just leave me confused, and I find it very endearing :) She talks in riddles sometimes and I just don't know how to respond. It always makes me laugh later on. Also, even when she has been a bit frustrated with me and said something quite blunt, later on it still gives me a smile. Are we incurable? Just try to focus on the bad hair.
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 8:22:43
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » crushedout, posted by lookdownfish on February 4, 2004, at 8:17:48
Posted by gardenergirl on February 4, 2004, at 8:53:14
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 8:11:17
You're absolutely right. First step doesn't begin to account for the intensity and duration of your feelings. I'm sorry if it seemed to minimize all that you have been through.
gg
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 9:00:52
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on February 4, 2004, at 8:53:14
no, you didn't minimize what i've been through, it's ok. i'm just clarifying that it's not just that i've been feeling this way for a long time. i've been talking to my t and others about my feelings since august. although i still often find ways to avoid it. but i'm deep into the process.
which adds to my feeling like this will never end. you see? it's harder to believe that i'm going to "work through" this (which everyone tells me) when i've been trying for so long.
thank you for the support, gg.
> You're absolutely right. First step doesn't begin to account for the intensity and duration of your feelings. I'm sorry if it seemed to minimize all that you have been through.
>
> gg
Posted by EmmyS on February 4, 2004, at 9:51:19
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 9:00:52
How long have these intense, consuming, feelings been going on for you? And for how long has your T been aware? I know she has some idea since the CD exchange occured and the conversation which took place afterwards. I'm just trying to get some idea of where you are in the process....although I'm sure everyone is different.
Also wondering if other people who have gone through this could give some idea of the duration of the real "owie" period of time. I would estimate my emotional turmoil last between 6-9 mths, with occasional brief bouts after that. I was a classic transference basket case. You could have written several entire textbooks on me. GG - we could collaborate and make some real money.
Now, I just feel very close to him. I'm left with feelings of immense caring, gratitude, and respect. I'm oh so happy that he has a family he loves, and that his wife makes him smile when she walks by. His happiness makes me feel warm all over. But, it takes time, huge quanities of trust, and amazing moments of red-faced embarrassment.
The unknown entity is that the T has to be up for the job in ability, experience, and ethics. You take the leap by disclosing your feelings and they are supposed to help you land on your feet.
Enough rambling...
Emmy
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 10:00:44
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts, posted by EmmyS on February 4, 2004, at 9:51:19
hi emmy. that was good rambling.i've been having intense feelings for about a year now. i've been seeing her for two, and i think i started developing a crush within a few months, but it got super intense about a year ago. and she's known about it since at least august, when i made it explicit. i told her i had romantic feelings for her and she told me she found me very beautiful, which is when i started posting here because i wondered whether that was kosher. i never confronted her about that statement. but i digress.
so she's been aware of my intense feelings since august, about six months.
i kind of hate hearing that you got over it. i guess there's a part of me that doesn't want to get over it. and i don't want her to be happy with her husband. but i guess those are normal feelings at my stage.
how do you know your t's wife makes him smile when he walks by? he told you?
> How long have these intense, consuming, feelings been going on for you? And for how long has your T been aware? I know she has some idea since the CD exchange occured and the conversation which took place afterwards. I'm just trying to get some idea of where you are in the process....although I'm sure everyone is different.
>
> Also wondering if other people who have gone through this could give some idea of the duration of the real "owie" period of time. I would estimate my emotional turmoil last between 6-9 mths, with occasional brief bouts after that. I was a classic transference basket case. You could have written several entire textbooks on me. GG - we could collaborate and make some real money.
>
> Now, I just feel very close to him. I'm left with feelings of immense caring, gratitude, and respect. I'm oh so happy that he has a family he loves, and that his wife makes him smile when she walks by. His happiness makes me feel warm all over. But, it takes time, huge quanities of trust, and amazing moments of red-faced embarrassment.
>
> The unknown entity is that the T has to be up for the job in ability, experience, and ethics. You take the leap by disclosing your feelings and they are supposed to help you land on your feet.
>
> Enough rambling...
>
> Emmy
Posted by Karen_kay on February 4, 2004, at 12:23:54
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » EmmyS, posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 10:00:44
((((Crushedout))))
I'm SOOO sorry you are hurting right now... I'm so proud of you for taking the leap and discussing the possibilty that the previous post brought up, with your therapist. I'm glad that you have all of your feelings regarding transference and the love you have for your therapist out in the open.
I think this is a big step in resolving your transference issues. Just because that is resolved doesn't mean that you won't care for your relationship and your therapist any less. I have a feeling it will help you with future relationships.
I'm really sorry you are hurting right now. But know that maybe everyone who is going through what you are may have the courage to finally discuss their own feelings now too. I know, that probably doesn't help much....
I know I'm not being helpful. I really wish I was. Please tell me what to say to be helpful and make you feel better. I know really good things will come from this. I really do. And I'm so proud of you.
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 12:36:42
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts, posted by Karen_kay on February 4, 2004, at 12:23:54
thanks, karen.i'm confused, though. what do you mean here?
"I'm so proud of you for taking the leap and discussing the possibilty that the previous post brought up, with your therapist."
i'm just not sure i did this. although i've been bringing feelings out in the open more and more over the past six months. which post are you referring to?
just want to know what i did to make you proud. :) (i might not have done it. :( )
Posted by Dinah on February 4, 2004, at 12:42:14
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts, posted by EmmyS on February 4, 2004, at 9:51:19
Posted by Rigby on February 4, 2004, at 13:03:40
In reply to ok, now it hurts, posted by crushedout on February 3, 2004, at 23:06:11
Hey Crushed,
I've been there in terms of hugely devastating crushes. I guess they call 'em crushes for a good reason, huh? The thing is the longer they go on for, the more they wear you down. It's not pretty.
Crushes go deep and wide and usually emanate from huge feelings of loneliness, emptiness and longing. I think from my experience, crushes emanate from not having some really basic needs met. The bigger the crush, probably the deeper and further back the echo of those needs--most likely childhood would be my guess. In this case you finally feel like your therapist is giving you what you need--most likely what you've needed in a huge way, for a long, long time. This at once feels incredible (at last!) but since you can't have her it's devastating. And only leaves you knowing that, well, you've got huge needs.
I know. This doesn't help your here-and-now hurting. These are only words and explanations are intellectual. The healing comes from a sinking-in, from an emotional realization about these things. Healing doesn't happen in a day. Or even in a year. Your crush will fade. But it won't probably relent until where its emanating from is hashed out.
Because you are being so truthful and because you are not running away from the wrenching emotions this is all bringing up from you I really, really, believe that you're going to get better--soon. Please try and keep the faith.
I'm thinking of you and feel for you. You've got a ton of courage--and, as mentioned, this *will* get better.
Rigby
> I knew the good feelings couldn't last forever. Now I want to die. Why can't she be my lover? This is so wrong.
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 13:28:36
In reply to {{{{Crushed}}}} » crushedout, posted by Rigby on February 4, 2004, at 13:03:40
thank you rigby. that was so helpful. it also made me cry my butt off, but i guess that must be because it rang true.
> Hey Crushed,
>
> I've been there in terms of hugely devastating crushes. I guess they call 'em crushes for a good reason, huh? The thing is the longer they go on for, the more they wear you down. It's not pretty.
>
> Crushes go deep and wide and usually emanate from huge feelings of loneliness, emptiness and longing. I think from my experience, crushes emanate from not having some really basic needs met. The bigger the crush, probably the deeper and further back the echo of those needs--most likely childhood would be my guess. In this case you finally feel like your therapist is giving you what you need--most likely what you've needed in a huge way, for a long, long time. This at once feels incredible (at last!) but since you can't have her it's devastating. And only leaves you knowing that, well, you've got huge needs.
>
> I know. This doesn't help your here-and-now hurting. These are only words and explanations are intellectual. The healing comes from a sinking-in, from an emotional realization about these things. Healing doesn't happen in a day. Or even in a year. Your crush will fade. But it won't probably relent until where its emanating from is hashed out.
>
> Because you are being so truthful and because you are not running away from the wrenching emotions this is all bringing up from you I really, really, believe that you're going to get better--soon. Please try and keep the faith.
>
> I'm thinking of you and feel for you. You've got a ton of courage--and, as mentioned, this *will* get better.
>
> Rigby
>
>
>
> > I knew the good feelings couldn't last forever. Now I want to die. Why can't she be my lover? This is so wrong.
>
>
Posted by Karen_kay on February 4, 2004, at 14:01:10
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » Karen_kay, posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 12:36:42
I was assuming (and you know what they say about assuming) that the post you and I were discussing the last time we "talked" brought about your last discussion with your therapist. We were discussing when a therapist has sexual feelings towards a client... I'm quite sure I'm wrong now. Sorry to confuse you.
But, again, I'm so glad that you are comfortable talking to your client about your feelings. I told my therapist I was in love with him and he said I was lying. It was the truth though. I was lying. I hate it when I'm caught in a lie. :)
I'm just so proud that you are able to be open and honest with your therapist about your true feelings. We should all be so lucky. I'm really sorry you are hurting. But, it will get better. Keep telling your therapist how you are feling, I think that's very important in the healing process. And it's so great that you are able to convey your true feelings towards your therapist. Wow! It must have been hard. If you feel like sharing more, we're here.
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 14:33:19
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » crushedout, posted by Karen_kay on February 4, 2004, at 14:01:10
well, yeah, no, i didn't really bring up that countertransference topic exactly with her. (as i've told you, i'm scared to because i would be devastated if she told me she wasn't attracted to me. also it's embarrassing.)but yesterday i planned to talk about my ever-deepening crush for her, and had a perfect opening to do so. i had given her yet another cd last week (this would be my third, not counting the one she gave *me*). so, she talked about listening to the cd and told me that she understood that it was about my feelings for her, wanting to love and to be loved, and that i was dealing with it. i thought this was an interesting and accurate assessment but i immediately changed the subject. and we ended up spending the whole session on stuff i didn't really care to talk about. typical, right?
so as soon as i left i regretted not talking about the transference stuff, as i'd planned. and i felt very depressed. so i emailed her and told her all this. and i basically told her what i was planning to tell her when i saw her if i hadn't chickened out. which was that i needed her help dealing with my crush on her. that i'd been censoring myself a lot lately whenever we got near the topic. (for example, i told her recently that i didn't feel like having sex with anyone anymore. and i admitted that i censored an "except you" when i said that.)
what else did i tell her? i asked her to tell me whether i was allowed to talk about sexual feelings toward her. eep, isn't that embarrassing? i told her i thought it was ok but i always feel like it's off-limits somehow. like, if we're talking about sex during a session and it makes me feel turned on, and then she asks me "what are you feeling now?," am i allowed to say, "i feel aroused"???? (even if i am allowed to -- which i must be, right? -- how on earth can i do that? it's so embarrassing. but why can't i? why should that be embarrassing?)
ok, you got an earful.
i hope that wasn't too tedious.
crushed
p.s. i can't believe your t accused you of lying. and why did you lie about that?
> I was assuming (and you know what they say about assuming) that the post you and I were discussing the last time we "talked" brought about your last discussion with your therapist. We were discussing when a therapist has sexual feelings towards a client... I'm quite sure I'm wrong now. Sorry to confuse you.
>
> But, again, I'm so glad that you are comfortable talking to your client about your feelings. I told my therapist I was in love with him and he said I was lying. It was the truth though. I was lying. I hate it when I'm caught in a lie. :)
>
>
> I'm just so proud that you are able to be open and honest with your therapist about your true feelings. We should all be so lucky. I'm really sorry you are hurting. But, it will get better. Keep telling your therapist how you are feling, I think that's very important in the healing process. And it's so great that you are able to convey your true feelings towards your therapist. Wow! It must have been hard. If you feel like sharing more, we're here.
Posted by pegasus on February 4, 2004, at 14:40:55
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » Karen_kay, posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 14:33:19
Crushed,
Can I just say that I would have a pretty tough time writing what you just wrote even here, much less in an email to my T, much less in person. And I know PB is very supportive. So, I admire your courage and directness, and I think it seems very likely that you're going to get to this in a direct and hopefully helpful way with your therapist soon. Go go go! And let us know how it went.
-p
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 14:54:21
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts, posted by pegasus on February 4, 2004, at 14:40:55
thanks, pegasus! wow, you guys have helped me feel so much better. hopeful maybe even.(((babblers)))
> Crushed,
>
> Can I just say that I would have a pretty tough time writing what you just wrote even here, much less in an email to my T, much less in person. And I know PB is very supportive. So, I admire your courage and directness, and I think it seems very likely that you're going to get to this in a direct and hopefully helpful way with your therapist soon. Go go go! And let us know how it went.
>
> -p
Posted by Karen_kay on February 4, 2004, at 15:37:40
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » Karen_kay, posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 14:33:19
Ok, here goes...
First, I don't think you necessarily need to know whether she's attracted to you. I personally don't know whether my therapist is attracted to me, as I doubt many of us do. And I highly doubt your therapist would ever say, "I'm not attracted to you." How could that be in your best interest? That would just be an ego blow.
It is SO great that you emailed her and told her all of the things that you wanted to, but never really could. Now, they are in the open and free to be discussed. And that's what's important. It's finally "out of your hands" so to speak. Now you'll be able to freely discuss this matter. It maybe embarrassing at times, but it's something that you have been struggling with for a while now. Doesn't it feel great to have it off your chest? Try to think of it that way.
And of course if you are discussing sex with someone you are sexually attracted to you would *naturally* feel aroused! That's completely natural. The idea would be to tell her if she asks how you are feeling, "Well, since you asked..." It may be hard and you don't have to necessarily say it but imagine the amount of trustyou would have. Being able to be that open with someone adn not feel as though you had to keep secrets. And you could use the skills you develope from this in a future romantic relationship, where trust and honesty is very important. You're making such great progress! And I really don't think she would say that she wasn't attracted to you. She may enforce boundaries. My therapist told me he couldn't be my mentor, as that would involve an outside relationship. I'm always testing him. Sometimes he falls for it, sometimes he doesn't. That time he didn't. I just need to get better at my wording, I suppose...
As for him calling me a liar. He didn't outright say I was a liar, but I actually had a tear in my eye and he said, "What happened? (As it came out of nowhere) What are you thinking about?" So I said, "Well, I fear I'm falling in love with you!" He said, "Nonsense you know that's not true. What are you really thinking?" And I didn't tell him. I kept lying and saying that I wasn't thinking about anything or that something was in my eye. It was actually the realization that I can't emotionally commit to anyone. I fear I'm a cold-hearted B*.. Well, you know the rest....
*Why is it so easy to tell you things that I wouldn't dream of telling Bubba? Maybe because he would say, "Yes my dear, you are a cold-hearted B****...." Wouldn't that be grand?
Posted by EmmyS on February 4, 2004, at 18:07:56
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » EmmyS, posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 10:00:44
No, he never spoke of his wife, and I never asked. From day one, I really tried to respect his privacy. I think that helped me since knowing nothing gave me very little to obsess on. I knew only what he offered - family photos on his office walls. Sometimes I'd ask little questions about those, since they seemed to be open for scrutiny. Other than that, I stuck to therapy issues.
I saw him with his wife not too long ago at an event. She was talking to someone else, and when she walked past him, he just looked up and smiled. She didn't see it, he was just happy to see her. It was very heart warming. They must be married 25+ years - it felt good to know he is still in love with her.
Emmy
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2004, at 18:50:31
In reply to ok, now it hurts, posted by crushedout on February 3, 2004, at 23:06:11
Hi crushedout. I am so proud of you for emailing your T. That took a lot of courage. I have been doing some reading on the net about transference, reading different perspectives on it because I have been thinking about it a lot lately....
I appreciate that my situation may well be different from yours in that I tend to get transference for most T's / p-docs who are intelligent and pay me a bit of attention (sigh). Whereas it sounds like you don't get it for random people so much as this particular T.
There is some stuff on how one just never knows what might have happened had you met in a different setting... That being said, one never could know because that didn't happen. Maybe if you did have a relationship things would work out - but then again maybe not.
If you did end up having a relationship then how would you feel about her seeing other male clients? Do you think that there would likely be severe trust issues around her boundaries with other clients? Do you think that you would greatly miss not having such a wonderful T to talk to?
I think that it is great that you are being honest with your T about this issue. You have inspired me to broach it in the future should it recurr (and I am fairly resigned to the fact that it probably will.... sigh).
What doesn't kill us makes us stronge;, I do so hope that this turns into a positive experience for you. ((((crushedout)))) I do so hope that you feel better soon :-)
Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 18:57:11
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2004, at 18:50:31
hey alexandra,just want to point out that i'm a woman.
that aside, it's kind of hard to answer your questions because it's hard to imagine. if my t and i were to have a relationship (this seems so unlikely as to be silly to talk about), the idea would be that i was special, not that she does this regularly with clients. if she did, then i wouldn't respect her at all. and because i do respect her greatly, i'm sure she doesn't. so i think i would trust her, but it's really hard to imagine.
and yes, i imagine i would miss having her as my t, but if she were my lover, i think it would be a worthwhile trade. again, hard to imagine.
> Hi crushedout. I am so proud of you for emailing your T. That took a lot of courage. I have been doing some reading on the net about transference, reading different perspectives on it because I have been thinking about it a lot lately....
>
> I appreciate that my situation may well be different from yours in that I tend to get transference for most T's / p-docs who are intelligent and pay me a bit of attention (sigh). Whereas it sounds like you don't get it for random people so much as this particular T.
>
> There is some stuff on how one just never knows what might have happened had you met in a different setting... That being said, one never could know because that didn't happen. Maybe if you did have a relationship things would work out - but then again maybe not.
>
> If you did end up having a relationship then how would you feel about her seeing other male clients? Do you think that there would likely be severe trust issues around her boundaries with other clients? Do you think that you would greatly miss not having such a wonderful T to talk to?
>
> I think that it is great that you are being honest with your T about this issue. You have inspired me to broach it in the future should it recurr (and I am fairly resigned to the fact that it probably will.... sigh).
>
> What doesn't kill us makes us stronge;, I do so hope that this turns into a positive experience for you. ((((crushedout)))) I do so hope that you feel better soon :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2004, at 21:08:49
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » alexandra_k, posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 18:57:11
> just want to point out that i'm a woman.
- oops, sorry about that (1 open mouth, 2 insert foot).
> if my t and i were to have a relationship (this seems so unlikely as to be silly to talk about), the idea would be that i was special, not that she does this regularly with clients.
- yes, I appreciate this. I am just thinking that over time this may well become an issue. Kind of like how if you have a relationship with someone who is married and they leave their partner for you and marry you - well... I for one would wonder whether they would meet someone else and repeat the whole saga. Course I wouldn't think they would do this to start with or I wouldn't be with them. Over time though I think I would get concerned (but then I fully acknowledge that I am a very insecure person).
Anyway, sorry, I am not being partucularly helpful am I... marks for trying???
Posted by Joslynn on February 5, 2004, at 9:39:30
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2004, at 21:08:49
Crushed, I have also been Crushed Out on various people, including my pdoc kind of, but not sure if it was a sexual thing or just wanting him to secretely fall in love with me without any confession or action on his part or what. Or is it more of a father thing? So confusing, but, it gradually lessened over time. Still there a little.
Yearning is so awful. That's what it is, yearning and craving. ouch!
Keep posting.
Posted by terrics on February 5, 2004, at 20:06:10
In reply to ok, now it hurts, posted by crushedout on February 3, 2004, at 23:06:11
I understand where you are coming from. I have loved my T. for 2 yrs. I have told her. [By the way I am female]. She said she was strictly hetero. Yet she sometimes says she loves me...I think platonic. Well, I don't know if this will make you feel better, but just recently I do not have to think about her constantly and she even annoys me. At the same time she helps me feel better about myself. I will always like and appreciate her, but I think the transference is fading. Thank goodness. Because it is a painful love and probably all we can hope for is a close therapeutic relationship. Hope you start feeling better. terrics
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