Posted by crushedout on February 4, 2004, at 14:33:19
In reply to Re: ok, now it hurts » crushedout, posted by Karen_kay on February 4, 2004, at 14:01:10
well, yeah, no, i didn't really bring up that countertransference topic exactly with her. (as i've told you, i'm scared to because i would be devastated if she told me she wasn't attracted to me. also it's embarrassing.)but yesterday i planned to talk about my ever-deepening crush for her, and had a perfect opening to do so. i had given her yet another cd last week (this would be my third, not counting the one she gave *me*). so, she talked about listening to the cd and told me that she understood that it was about my feelings for her, wanting to love and to be loved, and that i was dealing with it. i thought this was an interesting and accurate assessment but i immediately changed the subject. and we ended up spending the whole session on stuff i didn't really care to talk about. typical, right?
so as soon as i left i regretted not talking about the transference stuff, as i'd planned. and i felt very depressed. so i emailed her and told her all this. and i basically told her what i was planning to tell her when i saw her if i hadn't chickened out. which was that i needed her help dealing with my crush on her. that i'd been censoring myself a lot lately whenever we got near the topic. (for example, i told her recently that i didn't feel like having sex with anyone anymore. and i admitted that i censored an "except you" when i said that.)
what else did i tell her? i asked her to tell me whether i was allowed to talk about sexual feelings toward her. eep, isn't that embarrassing? i told her i thought it was ok but i always feel like it's off-limits somehow. like, if we're talking about sex during a session and it makes me feel turned on, and then she asks me "what are you feeling now?," am i allowed to say, "i feel aroused"???? (even if i am allowed to -- which i must be, right? -- how on earth can i do that? it's so embarrassing. but why can't i? why should that be embarrassing?)
ok, you got an earful.
i hope that wasn't too tedious.
crushed
p.s. i can't believe your t accused you of lying. and why did you lie about that?
> I was assuming (and you know what they say about assuming) that the post you and I were discussing the last time we "talked" brought about your last discussion with your therapist. We were discussing when a therapist has sexual feelings towards a client... I'm quite sure I'm wrong now. Sorry to confuse you.
>
> But, again, I'm so glad that you are comfortable talking to your client about your feelings. I told my therapist I was in love with him and he said I was lying. It was the truth though. I was lying. I hate it when I'm caught in a lie. :)
>
>
> I'm just so proud that you are able to be open and honest with your therapist about your true feelings. We should all be so lucky. I'm really sorry you are hurting. But, it will get better. Keep telling your therapist how you are feling, I think that's very important in the healing process. And it's so great that you are able to convey your true feelings towards your therapist. Wow! It must have been hard. If you feel like sharing more, we're here.
poster:crushedout
thread:309129
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/309387.html