Posted by Temmie on November 4, 2003, at 21:00:26
In reply to Visit with The Crack-Head Boyfriend. Help., posted by Temmie on November 3, 2003, at 21:52:01
stjames ... I don't know. Good question. I went to an Al-Anon meeting tonight, and had a timely reminder about taking care of myself (including not putting myself at-risk, obviously). I think, perhaps, because I'm an abuse-survivor, matters of risk and danger are a curiosity for me. And, in any event, I did feel like a bit of an investigative reporter when with this man who had been my lover. I wanted to know what it was like for him. How he got ... from Point A ... sadly ... to Point Z. Plus, I loved him. At a deep level of caring. I felt the love of a mother. I felt the concern of a sister. I felt the resignation of a woman who realized the man she'd had such communion with ... had disappeared inside himself ... within the malaise of this addiction. Because I have pain too. Because, believe me, it was tempting not to do a line with him (which he was doing in addition to smoking), but I just couldn't. Because I was proud of myself for saying no to a path and a lifestyle that I knew led nowhere but downward. Because I wondered if there was any shred of soul and consciousness left in this man who had worked as a nurse and a T'ai Chi/Chi Gong practitioner. Because after 18 years of soltitude, I'd trusted him ... with my body ... and my soul ... with my vulnerabilities ... with my confidence, my hope, and my trust, until I felt that meeting him had brought me face-to-face with my mirror. Because I was worried. Because I wanted to have my eyes open, and I wanted to see and know and understand. Because I'm an old hippie and I've known and done the hippie drug scene. Because all the yelling, the "shut the f*ck up, get the f*ck out of the car, and get down the f*cking stairs," when we were in the ghetto, scared the willies out of me. Because I fully expected him to be shot in the head. Because maybe danger ... gives me a kick or a thrill ... because it's familiar. Because I was scared of the violence ... but I wanted to know it, too, so I wouldn't be afraid.
Because I loved him.
Temmie
(thank you judy1, for speaking of courage, or love -- which is perhaps nothing more than foolishness -- but seemed to stem from a place of greater depth than this.)
poster:Temmie
thread:276317
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031014/msgs/276654.html