Posted by Temmie on November 3, 2003, at 21:52:01
He Says I'm His Woof Woof 11/3/2003
I am home from sharing a hotel room with a man who smoked crack day and night in front of me, openly and without shame. I’ve watched him comb the floor looking for odd bits of rock that might have fallen unnoticed and ... in frantic moments ... seen him smoke and resmoke remaining bits of "Chore Boy" steel wool "biscuits," looking for one last hit of vapor clinging to their tangled coils.
I’ve learned it’s possible to smoke crack at night ... while driving ... steering with one knee, glancing up from time to time, checking the traffic ahead, while barreling down the road at 80 miles per hour, no lights on the dash (save the flashlight plugged into the cigarette lighter for checking mph and such) ... both hands busy holding lighter to glass tubing in pursuit of another hit.
I’ve been on a crack run, heard yelling, and bottles breaking, saw hookers at work, and dealt with strangers knocking on my window waving crack pipes in my face.
"No thank you."
I’ve waited hours on end for a cuddle (finally choosing sleep, thank God for sleeping pills).
"What time is it?"
"I don’t know. Oh, yes I guess I do know ... maybe 3:30."
"3:30 in the morning? I’ve been waiting for you for five hours."
"I know Babe. Usually I don’t go to bed at all."
I’ve held a body of bones in my arm, and prayed a thousand prayers. During crashing moments, I’ve tucked him in and kissed his feet, and prayed for God to help me ... and to guide me toward that right message moving through me .... Whatever that message might be.
I wanted to go in (and come out) with my eyes wide open. And I did. This is a place I can visit, and which I’ll write more about. But I need one who is able to live, love, and function in the reality within which I reside.
Please pray for our sick, and struggling addicts and vets, still wounded by the horrors of war.
* * * * *
Later: Now my questions are these? What are the legal ramifications of my being with one who was holding ... in his car ... in his hotel room .... Is being in the company of one "aiding and abetting" or considered being "in possession" myself?
Clearly I need a reality check on boundary issues ... issues of self-care ... and matters of letting go. I am home again, 1100 miles away, but now it's back to the meeting rooms for me ... and back to my therapist on the 6th -- but until then, what do you know that I don't? (And what is your experience with those in denial about crack addiction? Do people really use until death?)
Sad and worried,
Temmie
poster:Temmie
thread:276317
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031014/msgs/276317.html