Posted by TamaraJ on March 1, 2005, at 18:33:43
In reply to Re: Kara, my turn. How you are doing? » TamaraJ, posted by KaraS on March 1, 2005, at 16:09:22
> Hi,
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> > >
> Don't apologize for ranting. I've done my share here. We have good reason to rant! We're having a really hard time and we need to vent. It's better to do so with people who understand and are going through the same thing. Are you convinced that hormones are invovled? Is there any bipoloarity in your family? There is none in mine though my pdoc thinks I may be "soft bipolar". I don't have mood swings but I get periods of more agitation. I don't know if it's hormonal or a soft bipolar condition. I think I'm going to try taking some of the lithium orotate later on and see if that helps me at all.
>
-- Thanks Kara. You're right! We do have reason to rant! I remember last fall you talking about your pdoc thinking you may be "soft bipolar". Lithium orotate may be just what you need. It might even help quell your anxiety as well. There is no diagnosed bipolar in my family. As I mentioned before, my dad had many symptoms, especially the extreme highs and then a crash. I guess, however, we never know what our grandparents and great aunts and uncles may have suffered from. There may be a hereditary link somewhere that we just aren't aware of. It's funny because my family doctor sent me to the pdoc because she thought I might be bipolar. I was surprised because of my age. I raised it with the pdoc during the first visit and he said no that I was just very hyper. I have gone through periods where I have been quite impulsive and had probably what some might consider hypomania, but the lows have never really been bad. Some of these periods were cycle related, but not all.
> But back to you and your work situation, I think you're wise to acknowledge that you're not ready. I'm so sorry to hear that though. I know how hard it must be for you to admit that to yourself and to your supervisor. You would only make things worse if you tried to push yourself. You really had no other choice. Depression and anxiety are so hard to deal with. With any other condition, you have some tools to work with. With depression/anxiety, we don't even have the energy for a fight. It's the hardest thing to deal with. I wish your doctor would let you try nortriptyline. I don't understand why he's so against it. It's not a dangerous, on the edge kind of a choice.
>
-- I feel like such a fraud. I have tried so hard to keep a smile on my face and in my voice when speaking with my friends from work and my boss. I haven't been entirely honest with my boss about the severity of the depression. I wasn't even completely honest with the pdoc or my doctor when I think about it. I didn't do myself any favours I guess. I was afraid of what they would do to me or think of me if I shared with them the dark thoughts I was having. Oh well. Live and learn. The pdoc has not called me back yet. I hope he does. I hope he isn't that cold-hearted that he wouldn't call back. He cancelled my last appointment and I had a conflict (with the surgeon) with the only two alternative times he had available. And, I forgot to make another appointment. He must be fed up with me.
> >
> My pdoc is another really good person. In fact I think he's a saint. He talks to me on the phone, advises and prescribes for me without charging me because he knows I don't have any money. He is willing to listen to my input and doesn't talk down to me when I suggest things. I don't know where I'd be right now if he hadn't been there to prescribe for me immediately when I was so incapacitated with anxiety (and this after seeing him once in the last year). I keep trying to think of something I could do for him or a gift I could give him for being so kind to me. With all of the money grubbers out there, it sure is nice to know that there are also some saints.
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-- You are very fortunate to have found such a good, understanding, open-minded and compassionate pdoc. That's great. It makes a difference I would imagine when you feel comfortable and safe and know that the person has your best interests at heart and allows you to be an active participant in your treatment. Not many like that around. I am sure he knows how much you appreciate him. When you're up to it, perhaps you can find a really meaningful card and send it to him. I have often been touched more by a thoughtful card and the time the person spent in chosing just the right card than a gift.
>
>> The CFS isn't a big deal in my life now. It doesn't occur often enough and I can usually prevent it by not letting myself get run down. It was h*llish for a while there though. I wish I had known that it would get better when I was initially going through it. That would have helped immensely - but fortunately it's not a huge problem now.
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-- That's good that it is under control or in partial remission. Depression and anxiety are hard enough to deal with, things don't need to get even more complicated and distressing by adding CFS into the mix.
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> If you do cut back now, do it very gradually. You don't need any more anxiety than you have right now. As for the Provigil, the nausea and headache sound horrible. I don't know whether it will pass if you manage to take it longer. I guess only you can decide if you can stand to continue on it. I often read about people (on the main board) who have been close to discontinuing something but managed to persevere and work through the initial side effects and were glad that they did. OTOH, there are no guarantees that it will work or the side effects will diminish. Just wish we had a way of knowing!
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-- I didn't take any Provigil today and no nausea or headache. I may try again tomorrow to see what my reaction is. The headache was intermittent, but it was like one side of my head was being pierced by a knife. It was kind of scary at first. I agree, it would be nice if we had some inkling of how we would respond to the meds we have been prescribed. It starts to take its toll after a while when we experience one failure after another.> I stopped taking the Zoloft. I may try it again soon though. It was making me too anxious at a time when my anxiety wasn't yet under control. I also had only a mild antidepressant effect from it previously so I'm not expecting much from it anyway. In the past it has calmed the anxiety and allowed me to work (though I still couldn't keep my apartment clean and in order.) I was hoping for that now. Even with the Effexor, it helped somewhat with mood but left me apathetic and unable to take care of my apartment or push myself to find a job. I was just hoping to get on one of these drugs and control the anxiety and provide some functioning while I tried to figure out what else to do. It was a big surprise that I haven't been able to tolerate either of these meds or the maprotiline that I've used so much in the past. It felt like I was losing ground rather than moving forward and that was really scary. I'm sure you understand because you're having a hard time tolerating meds.
>
-- I'm sorry about the Zoloft. I don't think you are alone though (not that it's any consolation :-(). Some people have a hard time with it because of increased anxiety and agitation. I think it tends to be more activating than other SSRIs. I understand how discouraging it can be to be searching for the elusive med that will provide some measure of relief. Sometimes, even moderate relief would be welcome. I wonder if the Lithium you are thinking about adding eventually might help even out the effect of a more activating AD? I guess all we can hang on to is hope. As long as there are ADs we haven't tried, then there is still hope. But, I know that every failed trial brings with it a bit of discouragement.> Right now I'm on only 25 mg. of doxepin and it is really getting the anxiety under control. The agoraphobia is almost gone as well as the panic. This med worked wonders for me years ago in a similar situation and it is doing so again now. My doctor said that I could increase the doxepin instead of trying to get onto the Zoloft. I am considering it but at the higher dosages come the side effects and the serious impairment of cognition. At the moment I think I'm going to try to stay on this small dosage and add more exercise, the tapping, lightbox (been using it every morning for about a week now), vitamin D, increase fish oil, utilize CBT, meditation with visualization, aroma therapy and even more of the reiki. I'm also going to try to get into a support group, get formal CBT training and get an idividual therapist. I may also try that CES device if I can get a prescription for it. If all of this doesn't work or I'm not able to do it all then I may try an MAOI or maybe the selegiline patch which will hopefully be on the market soon. I don't have the energy yet to do all of these things at once but I'm finding that it's getting easier to start doing some things and so I'm hoping that the rest will follow. I want to find something(s) that will give a complete response - not just allow some mood lift. I want energy, motivation and drive!!!
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-- You have to do what you think is best for you. It's good that you have enough emotional energy to be thinking about the things you want to do to help you recover. One thing at a time is a good credo. A support group would be wonderful and a great place to be among and learn from people who have been, or are going through, similar experiences. It is something I would like to do as well. Energy, drive and motivation - I hear you! That's the goal!> Back to you...you had some success in the past with amino acids, didn't you? Have you tried tryptophan? Dr. Slagle has a program where you use the tryptophan at night and the tyrosine during the day. Or perhaps a new pdoc might be willing to prescribe nortriptyline for you. A lot of people find it very easy to tolerate. It's less likely (as you know) to give you the blood pressure problems like clomipramine did. Would you ever consider an MAOI? (I know your current pdoc would never go for it.) Who knows, maybe this healer/doctor you're going to see this month may be able to help you.
>
-- I may well try the aminos again, maybe even this week. And, I may cave in and try the Clomipramine again and see if I can keep my blood pressure up with more salt tablets so that I can go up to 75mg. I don't know if I would ever be able to stick to the MAOI diet - I am a very fussy eater, and absolutely love cheese. I just hope the pdoc calls me back. In my e-mail to him I explained that I had suggested nort because some people had suggested that the side effects were less severe and it was better tolerated than clomipramine. Maybe that might help change his mind. Ed (ed_uk) had provided me with an article that validated that, so I could always e-mail that him for information. But, then again, I don't want to tick him off any more than I may already have :-)
> I know we'll figure this out eventually. It may take a little more time than we hoped though.
>
-- That's right. We will keep fighting the good fight!> Hang in there. You'll get through this!
>
-- Right back atcha Kara. And, thanks for your kindness and understanding.Tamara
poster:TamaraJ
thread:456548
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050224/msgs/465146.html