Posted by Dinah on January 29, 2004, at 19:35:31
In reply to Re: Jealous women at work - what to do about them?, posted by PhoenixGirl on January 29, 2004, at 16:17:01
Perhaps some insight from an ugly poster might be useful.
No, we don't hate you because you're beautiful. Really. Not past maybe college, anyway.
While I am ugly myself (and there are those who have seen my photo, and will vouch for me), I know enough beautiful women to know that some of them have a wide circle of friends including plain and pretty ones. And others don't have so many. There must be more to the story than sheer beauty.
And I can't say I've ever looked at a woman and decided to dislike her because she's better looking than me. Or perhaps more to the point for my own values, I've never looked at a woman and decided to dislike her because she's smarter than me. Or even because she's at ease socially (which is something I could admit to envying). Why Karen Kay and Gabbi and Tabitha and Slinky and Elle and Miss Honeychurch and Gardenergirl (sorry if I've missed some of you beautiful women) are all far lovelier than I, but I still like them very much. My bestest friend ever was prettier than I was, smarter than I was, more socially adept than I was, and more culturally literate than I was. And I know plenty of plain women who are friends with beautiful, intelligent, and socially adept women, so I don't think I'm an angel or an anomoly.
You know, when I was growing up people would tell me sometimes that the other kids picked on me because they were jealous that I was the smart kid. That wasn't the reason. :( The other two smart kids were quite popular, really.
So let's consider some other alternatives. And if you don't mind, I'll leave out ones that make broad generalizations about races. I feel uncomfortable enough generalizing about pretty and ugly people. And women.
I will admit to feeling self conscious around beautiful and or wealthy and or socially adept people (of either sex). Shades of high school, I guess. But it isn't based on envy, more on awareness of my lack of social skills and awareness of my plainness. But if the beautiful, wealthy, and socially adept people are friendly to me, I feel at ease and am as friendly as I can be (given my own social reserve). So maybe your shyness combined with your beauty causes others to feel self conscious and reluctant to approach you? But maybe if you are friendly to them, they'll feel more comfortable. I know it's a lot to ask. I have trouble being actively friendly myself, and know that my social activity suffers for it.
Or there are combinations of features that give off a certain impression, regardless of actual temperament. For example, even at my happiest, people are always coming up to me to tell me to cheer up, which is quite lowering to the mood, I assure you. So I assume I have a melancholy cast to my features. Is it possible that your beauty includes a patrician quality that may appear, regardless of the actual truth of the matter, to be aloof?
Anyway, just a couple of possible alternatives that don't include the entire ugly portion of the populace being consumed with envy. Do you have a therapist, perchance? Mine is very happy to point out the various things about my person that may cause my social life to suffer.
Well, that's just my input as an ugly unpopular woman. Perhaps some beautiful popular women could give a different perspective?
poster:Dinah
thread:306196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040120/msgs/307056.html