Posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 8:43:36
In reply to Re: what must you think of all of this? » Jai Narayan, posted by tealady on December 21, 2003, at 22:47:40
> OK...well personally what I think? I think Lar was speaking with respect and empathy and honesty...in fact I actually thought he was trying to be helpful and I also thought that Tabitha was actually asking for advice as well.
<I have no doubt he thought he was being helpful. But was it? Why are we all chatting about this so long if it was so helpful?
> This is not me just trying to take sides..it is what I REALLY thought.
<I know that and am open to what you have to say. I have always felt respect and appreciate your posts.
> So it seems that somehow I misinterpreted Tabitha's post as well...so I guess it depends on the person how it can be interpreted.
<I know that is a tricky thing...what does it all mean. In my family I have 4 siblings and one of them is always trying to fix my problems. She just can't get that I only want support. While another gives me support as a rule and it doesn't seem to be a stetch for her. Same communication different reactions...go figure.
> It seems to me, Jai, that you seemed to be saying that Lar was breaking his own rules of " honesty should also include honest feelings, e.g. respect and empathy."...so are you saying that Lar was not being respectful or not showing empathy...as personally it came across to me that he was!
<The only part that was lacking for me was the empathy...and might I add boundaries. It looks like he stepped on her toes.
> Obviously I made the same mistake in interpretation as Lar.<I know I think it's a common problem.
> Probably because, in a similar situation ,that is what I personally would be asking with similar words,.. for both advice and sympathy..that is what I find I need and value in support. Someone to not only listen ..but also someone to communicate with me and share their thoughts on the matter.
<right and sometimes that's what I want too, but I will invite the person to give me their take on the matter. I will ask for that type of advice. Now this is a topic on boundaries.
> So are you suggesting here that when someone asks for help ..they should specify what type of help they require..like sympathy ONLY please, no advice wanted...??
<that sure would make life easier...we wouldn't be having this conversation if that had happened.
> note ..in Tabitha's first post she said
> "It seems like all my interactions with people are creating miscommunication.....It seems like I can't say anything or hear anything without a misunderstanding happening. My mind is going nuts trying to figure it out-- am I suddenly not seeing things clearly? Is everyone hypersensitive this time of year? "
> So this is not asking for helpful advice? I would have thought anyone replying and letting Tabitha know in a friendly way how they have been perceiving her messages was a helpful reply?
< If her questions to the board had included something like this: can anyone please tell me what I may be doing to cause this? Then I think dive in and go for it. She never asked for anyone elses analysis of her communication. It sounds to me like she is puzzling it out.
Plus don't you think that a public board might not give you as much protection as you would want....I think an couselor would be the right forum for that discussion....just my thoughts on the matter.
thanks Jan for your insight.
> Jan
poster:Jai Narayan
thread:291123
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/292318.html