Posted by tealady on December 21, 2003, at 22:47:40
In reply to Re: Rampant miscommunication?, posted by Jai Narayan on December 21, 2003, at 10:59:45
> >>When I offered up my theory of mixed messages, it may have seemed like I was "blaming" you, but it was an extension of the assumption you were seeking insight. You can't change me, for my part in miscommunication. My comments were about you because that is the only place YOU have power. Absolute power, in fact. I was not labelling you. I thought you were asking, in so many words, "Where might I look?".
> <<Remember this quote? Lar you said this in Nov during communication with me about honesty: you said:
> ***" There is one exception. There are those who say they will speak with brutal honesty,………I just wanted to make a point that honesty should also include honest feelings, e.g. respect and empathy."***
> <<You are not being brutal but you are not following your own rules:
> ***Larry wrote:
> "I just wanted to make a point that honesty should also include honest feelings, e.g. respect and empathy."
OK...well personally what I think? I think Lar was speaking with respect and empathy and honesty...in fact I actually thought he was trying to be helpful and I also thought that Tabitha was actually asking for advice as well.This is not me just trying to take sides..it is what I REALLY thought.
So it seems that somehow I misinterpreted Tabitha's post as well...so I guess it depends on the person how it can be interpreted.It seems to me, Jai, that you seemed to be saying that Lar was breaking his own rules of " honesty should also include honest feelings, e.g. respect and empathy."...so are you saying that Lar was not being respectful or not showing empathy...as personally it came across to me that he was!...So it looks, to me, like you have jumped in , well it IS a public board .....and decided to say that Lar was either lacking in respect or empathy or both.
I really can't see where he did anything like that!It appeared to me that Tabitha was asking for some advice and/or sympathy..whatever anyone could offer. That is how I took the post , and on careful rereading I have not changed my mind.
Obviously I made the same mistake in interpretation as Lar.
Probably because, in a similar situation ,that is what I personally would be asking with similar words,.. for both advice and sympathy..that is what I find I need and value in support. Someone to not only listen ..but also someone to communicate with me and share their thoughts on the matter. This is a far bigger ask than just wanting people to agree with you or give you some sympathy, ..probably why it is hard to find.
But to me this is far more valuable....but obviously there is a difference in how we all think and what we all need...which is to expected as we are not all identical I guess.>
> IMHO you may have wanted to fix the problem ***"Where might I look?"***
> (give her your analysis) and that's where you were coming from while it appears she wanted to be heard and get some empathy. It's a common problem with communication styles…I often ask for emotional support not a **fix it** response.
So are you suggesting here that when someone asks for help ..they should specify what type of help they require..like sympathy ONLY please, no advice wanted...??
> Lar, your pearls of wisdom are greatly appreciated if I ask for them. I have learned a lot from you and am open to your reflection but only when I ask for it. Then I'm ready to learn...
> I hope this can be resolved.
> peace & love to you both
>
So here agian you are suggesting someone should respond with advice after a post only when they specifically say..advice wanted here?
note ..in Tabitha's first post she said
"It seems like all my interactions with people are creating miscommunication.....It seems like I can't say anything or hear anything without a misunderstanding happening. My mind is going nuts trying to figure it out-- am I suddenly not seeing things clearly? Is everyone hypersensitive this time of year? "So this is not asking for helpful advice?
I would have thought anyone replying and letting Tabitha know in a friendly way how they have been perceiving her messages was a helpful reply?
Jan
poster:tealady
thread:291123
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/292257.html