Posted by Larry Hoover on October 9, 2003, at 12:07:42
In reply to Re: Thanks guys, and more analysis » Larry Hoover, posted by Susan J on October 9, 2003, at 11:23:13
> Larry,
>
> > I don't know. Detect. Reject. Move on.
> <<That's funny! I like it.I just made it up. Glad you like it. Simplicity is something I cherish.
> > You aren't done reprocessing, yet. The only way you can address the relationship/attractiveness/appearance/self-doubt issues is in the the context of a relationship.
> <<OK, this seems logical. I'll have to find out more about it though...And you find out by doing it. You have many versions of the same memories, each contextually distinct. You may well have forgiven your mom, but that doesn't mean you've dealt with all the versions of the memories. You've dealt with the mom context, so far.
> >> and the tools (another aspect of living in a dysfunctional home is the lack of good modelling) to restore your internal peace.
> <<OK, there was definitely no good modelling, and no good tools taught/given to deal with life.So, in some respects, you're naive. Still child-like, if you will. Just because your body matured doesn't mean your social skills, etc. matured along with that. And it's OK to be still growing up. As a matter of fact, I'm proud of people who are still growing up, who are making the effort.
> > If I might express an opinion, you may not have been physically abused, but emotionally, I think so. You said your mom was, "...not (being) the type of mom I really needed".
> <<Yeah, perhaps. I guess I just don't see it that way because my mother always told me I'm too sensitive to what everyone says, and in a certain respect, it's true.That doesn't sound like she was respecting your uniqueness. That sounds like conditional love, to me. "I'd love you more if you were different than you naturally are."
> I feel things *very* deeply, good and bad.
Me too.
> But I guess my stumbling block is no one in my family ever said outright: 'you're ugly,' 'you'll never amount to anything,' 'you're so stupid." etc. Nothing overt. Always subtle...."Susan, why don't you wear a dress? Jeans aren't feminine.."
So, they were skilled at it. What matters is that you felt "less than".
> > There's a symbolic representation of the generation of feelings that I like. Most people presume that an event triggers a feeling. Symbolically, E --> F
> >
> > Actually, all events are interpreted first. You bring to bear your memories, attitudes, beliefs, dogma, etc. Symbolically, that becomes:
> >
> > E + I --> F
> >
> > Cognitive therapy is about changing the interpretation. The E is outside our control, but only you can change the I. The F flows from that.
>
> <<That's really cool, too. Did you learn this in therapy? From reading? My therapist has never touched on anything like that...I just talk and talk and talk.....I got it somewhere, but I suspect the version I just gave is my own interpretation. <g>
> <<She was. My therapist told me that children of alcoholics latch onto appearances and try to make everything *look* perfect and stable because that's the only stability they'll ever have as children.
> >
> > I'm confused. You said there was no substance abuse.....
> <<Sorry. My mom's father and my dad's mother were both alcoholics and it affected my parents very deeply. My mother fixes everything and my father is totally, completely emotionally withdrawn. I would say he's almost emotionally dead. Neither of my parents drinks at all, so I figured that previous generation's substance abuse didn't really count for *my childhood.* I am learning, however, how my mother is an enabler and all of that and just learning about how that has probably affected me...The only way for your parents' experiences not to have affected you would if they had sought to reinterpret their own experiences. It doesn't sound like they've done much along that line (huge assumption, from here). You're breaking the cycle, the inter-generational transfer of dysfunction.
What triggered my own journey into this realm was the realization that I did not want to be like my father, and I could already see that I was on the path to become just like him. I had to change the definitions, set my own boundaries, over-ride habitual responses, develop awareness of subconscious processes..... I became a Big Brother, to learn how to be a proper father, as otherwise I would never have allowed myself to have children; no way I was going to repeat that mistake. For example, I have no recollection of ever being lovingly held, of being comforted, by either parent, ever. And I'm 46 now. My kids get hugged all the time, ya know? I had to learn how to be different, and it worked. :-)
> SusanTake care, Susan. Gotta run.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:266817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031002/msgs/267308.html