Posted by Larry Hoover on October 9, 2003, at 10:55:46
In reply to Re: Thanks guys, and more analysis » Larry Hoover, posted by Susan J on October 9, 2003, at 10:26:43
> Larry,
>
> >> Let me give you *one* man's opinion.
> <<Cool. Do you think most men are like that? Or, most relatively emotionally healthy men at least?I don't know percentages or anything..... I just know there's one (me).
> >>some measure of self-confidence.
> >
> > The latter is something of a problem, and I'm intuiting that it is one for you.
> <<Yes, it is. But I can't figure out if it's depression-related, like my therapist says it is.There's an interaction, certainly. Depression has cognitive effects. It's awfully hard to feel self-confident when you're depressed, but it's certainly possible to lack self-confidence even when the mood is stable.
> It definitely got worse when I was depressed (I think I might be out of it now, but not gonna jinx it). I mean, I'm a good worker, I'm funny to most people, openminded, I look out for my family and friends, I am not mean and don't cause trouble at work, I volunteer, I take good care of my dog, I'm active in the community. All those things I *really* like about myself.
Remind yourself about those things when the other thing comes up. Give yourself one of those "self-hugs".
There's a technique called self-parenting. You play two roles in it, both the parent and the "wounded child". You visualize giving yourself the affirmations (some people like to picture a hug for this, thus the name) that you didn't receive as a child. It helps.
> The self-confidence thing falls apart on looks. Or to drill down into more detail, not so much looks but my ability to attract a decent (key word) guy.
Perhaps there's a cognitive distortion, here. Decent guys don't depend on surface attributes for their sense of attraction (see earlier discussion). I wouldn't go near Pamela Anderson for anything. Look at the guys she attracts.
> >>In our culture, women's self-confidence is constantly undermined by air-brushed images of perfect beauty.
> <<Yes and it's getting worse with stuff like those shows, "Extreme Makeovers."Anything for ratings. I hate "reality programs". They are so *not* reality.
> >>There are men who objectify women, seeing only the surface. You don't want one of those.
> <<How prevalent are guys like that?I don't know. Detect. Reject. Move on.
> > The instant that occurs, when that feeling of self-doubt arises, is when you need to consciously activate cognitive tools which can disempower the self-doubt. You can learn to do that, and it will feel awkward at first. However, it will soon become automatic.
> <<Good idea. I actually *do* that a lot when I'm alone. I need to do it when I'm really feeling down about it, out in public....It *has* to be in the moment of realization (though that can come later, if you are feeling retrospective). It's best to do it in "real time", but you may have to start with retrospection to get a handle on the flow of thoughts that came with the feeling of self-doubt. Once you recognize them, it's easier to do it "in real time".
> > You make it seem as if you view this as a trivial issue, but I think it's huge. Maybe the key one.
> <<This is something I don't understand about psychoanalysis or cognitive therapy. I know this about my mother. I accept that she'll never change. I do not admire that type of thinking. I'm OK with the situation. I've forgiven her for not being the type of mom I really needed. SO WHY DOES IT STILL PROFOUNDLY AFFECT ME?You aren't done reprocessing, yet. The only way you can address the relationship/attractiveness/appearance/self-doubt issues is in the the context of a relationship. This is merely another aspect of your healing process. As a ten-year-old child, you lacked both the judgment to recognize your mother's inappropriateness, and the tools (another aspect of living in a dysfunctional home is the lack of good modelling) to restore your internal peace.
> I mean, for goodness' sake, I was never abused,
If I might express an opinion, you may not have been physically abused, but emotionally, I think so. You said your mom was, "...not (being) the type of mom I really needed".
> my parents weren't substance abusers, I always had a roof over my head. I was never subjected to anything truly harsher than the struggles of everyday life. How did I get so paralyzed over certain things in my life?
By having your appearance criticized recurrently?
> > Unconsciously, when you are considering your own attractiveness, as in situations where you are yourself attracted to another, or cases like your online dating efforts, you will trigger an emotional "tape recording"
> <<Totally agree.So, you're already aware of this occurrence? That's great.
There's a symbolic representation of the generation of feelings that I like. Most people presume that an event triggers a feeling. Symbolically, E --> F
Actually, all events are interpreted first. You bring to bear your memories, attitudes, beliefs, dogma, etc. Symbolically, that becomes:
E + I --> F
Cognitive therapy is about changing the interpretation. The E is outside our control, but only you can change the I. The F flows from that.
> >> Is it any surprise that you feel self-doubt?
> <<I guess it's a surprise because logically I understand what is right and wrong and have moved past it *logically.* Why does it take so long for emotions to catch up?There's more focussed work to do, is all. There may be other issues (again, very personal). Fear of abandonment, simple unfamiliarity, whatever. These are also going to affect your ability to "let go" of the old tape. Maybe you unconsciously want to stay single, for some other reasons. (rhetorical)
> >>You might decide to declare that your mother was hung up on outward appearance, and it's not your issue.
> <<She was. My therapist told me that children of alcoholics latch onto appearances and try to make everything *look* perfect and stable because that's the only stability they'll ever have as children.I'm confused. You said there was no substance abuse.....
> And it gets carried into adulthood....
> That's my mom.?
> >> With some practice and attention, the new tape will play, instead of the old one.
> <<Very cool advice. I appreciate it. :-)
>
> SusanGlad to do it. I'm speaking from my experience. Been there. Done that.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:266817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031002/msgs/267282.html