Posted by Susan J on October 9, 2003, at 11:23:13
In reply to Re: Thanks guys, and more analysis » Susan J, posted by Larry Hoover on October 9, 2003, at 10:55:46
Larry,
> I don't know. Detect. Reject. Move on.
<<That's funny! I like it.
> You aren't done reprocessing, yet. The only way you can address the relationship/attractiveness/appearance/self-doubt issues is in the the context of a relationship.
<<OK, this seems logical. I'll have to find out more about it though...>> and the tools (another aspect of living in a dysfunctional home is the lack of good modelling) to restore your internal peace.
<<OK, there was definitely no good modelling, and no good tools taught/given to deal with life.
> If I might express an opinion, you may not have been physically abused, but emotionally, I think so. You said your mom was, "...not (being) the type of mom I really needed".
<<Yeah, perhaps. I guess I just don't see it that way because my mother always told me I'm too sensitive to what everyone says, and in a certain respect, it's true. I feel things *very* deeply, good and bad. But I guess my stumbling block is no one in my family ever said outright: 'you're ugly,' 'you'll never amount to anything,' 'you're so stupid." etc. Nothing overt. Always subtle...."Susan, why don't you wear a dress? Jeans aren't feminine.."> There's a symbolic representation of the generation of feelings that I like. Most people presume that an event triggers a feeling. Symbolically, E --> F
>
> Actually, all events are interpreted first. You bring to bear your memories, attitudes, beliefs, dogma, etc. Symbolically, that becomes:
>
> E + I --> F
>
> Cognitive therapy is about changing the interpretation. The E is outside our control, but only you can change the I. The F flows from that.<<That's really cool, too. Did you learn this in therapy? From reading? My therapist has never touched on anything like that...I just talk and talk and talk.....
<<She was. My therapist told me that children of alcoholics latch onto appearances and try to make everything *look* perfect and stable because that's the only stability they'll ever have as children.
>
> I'm confused. You said there was no substance abuse.....
<<Sorry. My mom's father and my dad's mother were both alcoholics and it affected my parents very deeply. My mother fixes everything and my father is totally, completely emotionally withdrawn. I would say he's almost emotionally dead. Neither of my parents drinks at all, so I figured that previous generation's substance abuse didn't really count for *my childhood.* I am learning, however, how my mother is an enabler and all of that and just learning about how that has probably affected me...Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:266817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031002/msgs/267292.html