Posted by Susan J on October 9, 2003, at 10:26:43
In reply to Re: Thanks guys, and more analysis » Susan J, posted by Larry Hoover on October 9, 2003, at 9:48:47
Larry,
>> Let me give you *one* man's opinion.
<<Cool. Do you think most men are like that? Or, most relatively emotionally healthy men at least?
>>some measure of self-confidence.
>
> The latter is something of a problem, and I'm intuiting that it is one for you.
<<Yes, it is. But I can't figure out if it's depression-related, like my therapist says it is. It definitely got worse when I was depressed (I think I might be out of it now, but not gonna jinx it). I mean, I'm a good worker, I'm funny to most people, openminded, I look out for my family and friends, I am not mean and don't cause trouble at work, I volunteer, I take good care of my dog, I'm active in the community. All those things I *really* like about myself. The self-confidence thing falls apart on looks. Or to drill down into more detail, not so much looks but my ability to attract a decent (key word) guy.>>In our culture, women's self-confidence is constantly undermined by air-brushed images of perfect beauty.
<<Yes and it's getting worse with stuff like those shows, "Extreme Makeovers.">>There are men who objectify women, seeing only the surface. You don't want one of those.
<<How prevalent are guys like that?> The instant that occurs, when that feeling of self-doubt arises, is when you need to consciously activate cognitive tools which can disempower the self-doubt. You can learn to do that, and it will feel awkward at first. However, it will soon become automatic.
<<Good idea. I actually *do* that a lot when I'm alone. I need to do it when I'm really feeling down about it, out in public....
> You make it seem as if you view this as a trivial issue, but I think it's huge. Maybe the key one.
<<This is something I don't understand about psychoanalysis or cognitive therapy. I know this about my mother. I accept that she'll never change. I do not admire that type of thinking. I'm OK with the situation. I've forgiven her for not being the type of mom I really needed. SO WHY DOES IT STILL PROFOUNDLY AFFECT ME? I mean, for goodness' sake, I was never abused, my parents weren't substance abusers, I always had a roof over my head. I was never subjected to anything truly harsher than the struggles of everyday life. How did I get so paralyzed over certain things in my life?
> Unconsciously, when you are considering your own attractiveness, as in situations where you are yourself attracted to another, or cases like your online dating efforts, you will trigger an emotional "tape recording"
<<Totally agree.
>> Is it any surprise that you feel self-doubt?
<<I guess it's a surprise because logically I understand what is right and wrong and have moved past it *logically.* Why does it take so long for emotions to catch up?
>>You might decide to declare that your mother was hung up on outward appearance, and it's not your issue.
<<She was. My therapist told me that children of alcoholics latch onto appearances and try to make everything *look* perfect and stable because that's the only stability they'll ever have as children. And it gets carried into adulthood....
That's my mom.>> With some practice and attention, the new tape will play, instead of the old one.
<<Very cool advice. I appreciate it. :-)Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:266817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031002/msgs/267271.html