Posted by Larry Hoover on October 9, 2003, at 9:48:47
In reply to Thanks guys, and more analysis, posted by Susan J on October 9, 2003, at 8:46:17
> Thanks so much for your encouraging words and practical advice and commentary. I really was starting tear up here at the office reading it.
>
> Of course, I already sent the pic to the guy yesterday and he hasn't responded. So it's because:
> (1) I admitted to being a Redskins fan and he hates them;Humorous, but unlikely.
> (2) he's been busy and hasn't had a chance to write;
The likely answer.
> or (3) my picture freaked him out and he went ewwwwww!
Catastrophic thinking. If so, however, good riddance.
> I personally think I'm attractive. I look in the mirror and my eyes, nose, and mouth are all in the right places. I've got a cool, modern, flattering hairstyle. I like my body shape, even though it's not the classic beauty. But I think what I get stuck on is something a few of you mentioned. In a way, it doesn't really matter what I think of myself, people are *still* going to judge me on my looks. And if looks are what initially hooks a guy (men *are* more visually oriented), then I'm really behind the 8 ball.Let me give you *one* man's opinion. An attractive appearance can catch my eye, whether through flashy clothes or certain shapes (rather variable, actually), but..... and this is a key issue..... my eyes go directly to hers. What I see there determines whether I am see beauty or not. The eyes are the window on the soul. What I've discovered is that I don't have a "type", as in body type, to be attracted to. I have a spirit type, I guess. I need to see intelligence, self-awareness, empathy, and some measure of self-confidence.
The latter is something of a problem, and I'm intuiting that it is one for you. In our culture, women's self-confidence is constantly undermined by air-brushed images of perfect beauty. So, a woman's outward appearance does affect her attractiveness, but via her own self-image with respect to her body. There are men who objectify women, seeing only the surface. You don't want one of those.
> So in the privacy of my own home, looking in my own mirror, I *do* like myself. But when I go outside and know guys are looking at me, the self-doubt comes back, and I *know* that affects my attitude and probably drives guys away more so than my looks could.The instant that occurs, when that feeling of self-doubt arises, is when you need to consciously activate cognitive tools which can disempower the self-doubt. You can learn to do that, and it will feel awkward at first. However, it will soon become automatic.
> As far as a deep-seated issue, the only thing I can think of is that I was never good looking or feminine enough for my mother, who was dragging me to Weight Watchers since I was 10 years old. She made a concerted effort to never tell me I was pretty because she didn't want me to *trade* on my looks. So I never heard I was pretty, plus the little disapproving messages I received all my life from my mother about my looks.You make it seem as if you view this as a trivial issue, but I think it's huge. Maybe the key one.
One of the critical issues in finding ways to change is to figure out what needs changing in the first place. Frankly, I think that is 90% of the task. You've already got that figured out. You're nearly done.
> And all that time I thought I was OK. So inside I feel OK to myself, but don't ever trust others to see me as attractive. I *know* the problem.
>
> I just don't know how to fix it.Unconsciously, when you are considering your own attractiveness, as in situations where you are yourself attracted to another, or cases like your online dating efforts, you will trigger an emotional "tape recording" laid down many years ago. Your mother taught you that it was hopeless to try to be attractive. Nothing you can do about it. Is it any surprise that you feel self-doubt?
You have to learn to catch yourself "playing the tape". And you reprocess the same information that went into forming that old uncomfortable tape. You might decide to declare that your mother was hung up on outward appearance, and it's not your issue. You may declare that your mother failed to give you reasonable affirmation, and that you are worthy of love and positive affirmation. It gets really personal here, and I just meant to make thematic suggestions. Your relationship with your mother will influence what you are comfortable with, and what will be effective. But, as a child, your boundaries were violated, and in setting new ones, you record over the old tape. With some practice and attention, the new tape will play, instead of the old one.
> SusanHugs, eh?
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:266817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031002/msgs/267252.html