Posted by Racer on August 31, 2007, at 12:49:54
In reply to But it doesn't ever end, posted by ClearSkies on August 31, 2007, at 7:48:19
Aw, honey, that must feel so helpless for you! I'm so sorry.
Here's what I learned, about people and their children: sometimes people create dynamics around their children, and then invite other people in to share them. It sounds as though your husband may have gotten into one of those with his daughter, and you've been caught in it. The really unfortunate part is that you're very sensitive, and have experiences that make it much harder for you, emotionally, than it might be for someone else. (I'm thinking about one of my Human Steamroller relatives, who'd likely have no problems at all -- narcissism has its own benefits sometimes, eh?) The main thing to remember is this: you're not to blame. Say it any way it helps you: you're not to blame, you're not responsible, it's not your fault, you didn't create this, you didn't start this, however you need to say it for it to sink in.
As for what to do now, I have a very strong and mixed emotional reaction: on the one hand, what I think would help you most is to take your husband's ear and lead him to marriage counseling, or family counseling, or even an intervention type counseling situation. Some place where the two of you can learn how to support one another through this -- rather than learning your steps in the Family Crisis Dance. What it sounds like now is that you and he have reached a place where it would be all too easy to get into conflict with one another about all this, without benefitting anything or anyone -- except possibly your step-daughter's addiction. That's no one's fault, it's the nature of this sort of situation. Your husband has conflicting loyalties, to you, and to his daughter. It's very hard for anyone to navigate those waters, but especially hard for someone without as much experience in therapy as some of us have. (Not that it does many of me much good, eh?)
The biggest problem I have with all this is based on my own experiences: it wasn't drugs, but for a number of years, I was just not functional enough to work, and I didn't get disability -- I had no treatment, no insurance, no support: except for a certain amount of financial support from my mother. That came at a very high cost to me, and contributed a hell of a lot to me not being functional. Funny, that, huh? I'm sure with the sorts of things I know my mother was saying to people then that she got an awful lot of advice saying, "Cut her off." I know that she told me often that she "should" cut me off. It's a different situation, because I wasn't using the money for "fun." (Hell -- wasn't enough money to keep my lights on all the time, so how much fun could I have had?) That experience, though, makes it so hard for me to say, "Cut her off." I know how it felt to me, and I can't get the Empathy Fairy to shut up enough for me to recommend it. KK's advice, though, sounds awfully good.
Because my Inner Pollyanna is screeching at me right now, I have to ask: do you have enough of a relationship with this girl to talk to her alone? Could you *ask* her what the problem is? Why she's so resistant to the help that's being offered? I know you know this, but I'll say it anyway: being careful not to show your judgment, of course. (Hey -- I'm judging her, and I haven't ever met her. If you *weren't* judging her actions, I'd wonder what you'd done with the real ClearSkies, you pod person!)
Now I'm just babbling. While that's part of what Babble's all about, I don't suspect anyone cares what else might come off my keyboard. I'll stop now.
xoxo
poster:Racer
thread:778865
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/779977.html