Posted by Honore on July 30, 2007, at 10:17:23
In reply to I think I've ruined any chances, posted by ClearSkies on July 30, 2007, at 8:01:35
Dear ClearSkies,
You haven't ruined anything. If you have, it's because that would have been what happened anyway-- and you are just the person/event that's going to be pointed at. But no one day, no one conversation every ruins something, when it's there-- when it's there, it stays there, and keeps the person coming back.
This is, in fact, one of those awful, impossible, terribly painful for everyone situations-- including, I'm sure, your SD--even though I'm concerned she won't admit it for years. I very much hope that isn't it. But I can actually, from personal experience, assure you that if it is-- it won't be because of you. It will be because of a long, complicated history, and life-- of her own-- and many many things that have happened, and that have interacted with her temperament and beliefs, and self-- and in which you play a role, because you are after all her Step mother-- But you came onto the scene long after the damage was mostly done-- even if you do get to be the one who's blamed.
I think maybe you have to learn to deflect that blame, if it comes your way-- because it doesn't belong to you. But there is a reason the StepMother in Fairy Tales is evil-- it's too hard to blame the real parents.
But what I want to say is that when a child (or person) is on an unconscious mission of self-destruction, it can be awfully hard to find any way to intervene helpfully-- and especially to be thanked any time soon for it. I truly have been there on this--- and I know just how impossible it is for all involved to find the way in-- when all roads seem to lead to potential disasters.
You did the right thing-- I think-- telling the truth, out of love and caring. Maybe it's best not to be too emotional--although real loving emotion is mostly a good thing, honestly-- when telling the truth- but I really do think, you can only do what you can-- the real you can help them much much more than any phony playing along.
I'm really so sorry, though, that the situation is so tangled and full of land mines. Remember to take care of yourself, though, please?
(((Clearskies)))
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:772136
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/772860.html