Posted by Honore on January 29, 2007, at 11:02:29
In reply to sorry Honore -- bit overwhelming, posted by jacs on January 28, 2007, at 11:53:30
Hi, jacs.
I was so busy yesterday that I didn't have time to go online (very unusually, for me).
Before I respond, I should say that I have had a similar experience in dating a professor, and it may be hard for me to be really neutral. But you seem to have having a bad experience, so maybe my experience wasn't so different from yours.
To be honest, I'm pretty much opposed to professors dating students at their own college or university. It's a variation on the destructiveness (or frequent destructiveness) of a relationship where there is too great a power imbalance. Even though you're not taking his class, it is very possible to have that same sense of dating someone so much more "special" and "important" than you, that you lose your sense of your own value and right to good and careful treatment. In my case, I was much younger-- and so it looks, ro the casual observer as though you are a "consenting adult"-- but I believe the pressures are very similar.
I really feel as if this professor would have to treat you much more carefully and with much much more awareness of your position-- and with intentions that were responsible-- more responsible than in the average, peer dating situation. These feelings can occur, of course, in any relationship, if someone has some issues in self-respect and self-valuing. But it's heightened and much more imposed by the situations when it's a teacher and student.
It's not only that students are vulnerable to being charmed and silenced by a teacher's higher status-- we look to teachers to tell us if we're "worthy" of continuing, of following our aspirations-- it's a very powerful impulse, I think. And any teacher who dates a student casually, and unconscious of that-- who does it for the moment, and with the usual primary concern for his needs, without special consideration for these undercurrents-- is, IMHO, being emotionally exploitative. I do, in this case, this his behavior is really inappropriate and potentially damaging. He's being anything but careful and sure of his intentions.
I hate to be so one-sided about situations--but, if you were very happy and felt supported and enabled to do more of what you needed-- I would say, that's great. I would question his actions-- but I would also applaud the outcome.
I hate to see you derailed by this man. Whatever he his original fascination with you-- he seems to have begun to treat you with a lot of emotional harshness and arbitrariness.
I worry (not only from my own experience, but that of friends who have also been there)--that this could do long-term harm, or cause you to lose touch, because of the hurtfulness of it, with your dreams and hopes. Time and opportunity are so precious, I don't want you to waste them on someone who isn't worth it.
I am so very very touched by your devotion to your sister and the depth of the loss. I wanted to say this separately from my thoughts and feelings about your sister-- though--
Don't worry about overwhelming me-- I don't feel anything like. (Plus, as you can see, I can write a lot, too...)
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:726893
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060920/msgs/727687.html