Posted by jacs on January 26, 2007, at 19:55:28
I know it sounds like a lot, but I am struggling with someone who has been divorced for two years and seems to want to protect the pain, the past by keeping me at a distance, but yet somehow in the picture and I am very hurt. I feel for him and his pain and being abandoned, but though my sensitivities are right there, it appears mine are not important. He is very confused and I feel guilty if I abandom him too. I like him, but I find myself avoiding him because he depresses me and I feel like such a minuscule part of this huge life of pain that I cannot fix. I have had my own pain to deal with and I never talk about it. I always thought you needed to express a certain amount of vulnerability before you told another person about your sorrows (they need to show vulnerability) but when they are wrapped up in their own pain I guess they cannot see that other people have had pain too. He compares pain which I think is absurd---"you got over your relationship 4 yrs ago and I am just getting over mine...." but right after I was dumped my sister was dying of leukemia and so I was responsible for someone's life (he does not know this --I literally took care of her tohelp keep her alive and he needs to earn that knowledge--too painful to talk in random metaphors-- we can only hold up under so much that we do not own. My sister was my life and I would do it all over again).
We have only known each other two months, but he is sure it will not work and so I wonder why bother getting involved then? Why kill it before it has a life? I am really babbling, but it is very hard to assess. He calls, writes and I make excuses to not see him because it always causes problems of guilt on his end--feels bad if I spend the night-- feels guilt because he feels by spending time with me he is abandoning his son (for a 24 hr. period..his son is 17) what sort of example is he setting and so on...it just overwhelms me so much that I figure I may as well stay away. I give a lot and feel so empty handed and hearted. Any advice....teary eyed and lost about this. I am 45 yrs old and tired of this ... I am in school, near done and moving onto to my Masters and thought it would be nice to meet someone, he approached me, but it has been a rollercoaster. Everyone says he is not ready and I wait and wonder if that is true and I cannot pull myself away yet.
help....this may be totally inappropriate. Dr, Bob let me know. I have no idea--just a beginning to reach out for some support.
Thanks much.
jacs
poster:jacs
thread:726893
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060920/msgs/726893.html