Posted by jacs on January 27, 2007, at 15:33:29
In reply to Re: dating divorced men in pain, posted by Honore on January 27, 2007, at 13:58:04
Honore,
The loss of my sister eclipses any loss I have ever had. She was 41 and had leukemia and when nothing else worked she had a stem cell transplant that failed. I came out to live with her to help keep her alive and she died. I know it was a result of the transplant, but when someone's life is in your hands--literally--it is overwhelming as anyone who has been there could attest--nothing else matters--nothing compares--what matters is helping them survive...from their meds, to hooking up their water pumps, to changing their antibiotic lines and cleaning their lines, I cannot tell you how I never in my life thought I would be at my sisters knees hooking up a water pump to an i.v. line coming out of her chest. I am so grateful I was there for her and I would do it all over again, but when someone you have only known for two months wants to know why your life has been painful--they have not earned that yet. It was an experience that was unreal--surreal--and I knew we were losing her.
This man in my life (he may be gone now as I have not heard anything from him--he doesn't ask to go ut on a date, but invites me to hockey games--son as a buffer and also a way to no communicate) He is not capable. He feels that if he spends time with me he may be abandoning his son and so I absorb his guilt and I can only carry my own burdens. I think he thinks getting on with his life is just having a standby date, but we don't really even do that. It is really pathetic. I have not seen him since the 17th of this month. I came back from vacation (went to his house and made dinner) spent the night and then the next day was all about guilt and how my spending the night etc. was somehow abandoning son. His son is 17.....I am no insensitive, but I figure why bother seeing him if it has backlash. My feeling is it is not worth it. So, I bailed out on getting together that weekend. Here is how it works to me; if your analysis is that by my spending the night you are abandoning your son, then logic would have it that I do not spend the night anymore, but he asked me over and when I said "am I staying over?" he said "well how do you feel about it? let's decide when you get here." HUH? I wrote an email and decided against the whole thing. I am your guest and you have me planning my coming to your house? This is a 50 year old man who should have this part figured out. I try to see the vulnerability but he basically told me that since we are only dating that he is not obligated to accomodate my sensitivities....this is after I alluded to feeling marginalized (asked to leave when the ex-wife comes over because it is the marriage house, etc.) I have never been through this before,not ever. I think it is very odd behavior and it is painful for someone who cared and I have done nothing, nothing. I have just been there, but I think not for myself.
My other relationships have been few and far between, I have spent a lot of time trying to survive my life. I am an older student 45 at a very good college, he is a professor there (nothing wrong with this as long as I don't take his classes, which I would never take anyway) and he approached me. I feel like such a fool.I don't know how to talk to him. He analyzes everything I say to find something wrong with it and then it makes me feel like a fool for having feelings. I though the bes thing to do was to write him and end it. But I can't even do that.
When we met he was certain it would never work and I thought...then why ask someone out to begin with? He wants it to fail or he cannot get out of it like me?My family....my dad died when I was 13, my mother is alive and well, I have another sister. Little communication. My neice is in Seattle and communicates sometimes and my brother in law just started back to communicating. Losing my sister was very hard on him and there was a big split in the family but I never closed the door on him, not ever.
I always want things to work coming from a family where they just never did.
Heard enough? I am starting classes Monday and cannot enter them so depressed. This man depresses me because as soon as I am happy about "us" he ruins things. He creates a problem and I just fall. I am worn down, and I wear myself down too. How important is he? I am suppposed to graduate in a year and apply to grad school and move on. If he is a part (only a part) of the journey then what's the lesson? I keep asking myself.
I told him it would be nice to get together this weekend and he early in the week said he had no plans and then writes me Thur. to tell me he was workingon his property (new site for a home ) all day Sat and then Sund leavng for DC and would I want to get together Friday p.m. Gee...some free weekend. I declined because I had already alluded I did not have the time that evening, offered to help him on his property, he sent me directions I could not open (email) and I emailed back saying I could not open them and was not sure what to do and then wished him a good weekend and safe trip....that has been the end of it---nothing since and maybe I should be grateful. Why not call me and leave me directions? Email is okay but when it becomes the only source of communication then therein lies a problem....every friend and family memeber is pleading with me to get rid of him....soon professors probably will, too.....
very hurtful. i really don't matter in this picture do I? why won't he just end it? is this a normal relationship for him? or so wraped up in self just does not care? strangest person I have ever met. I thought there was something there, but I am easily deceived as you can see. I trust. I trust you when you tell me things. I trust. I foolishly trust.
what to do?
thank you for listening. I am lost. I have a big commitment with school...they're counting on me and I am counting on them.
poster:jacs
thread:726893
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060920/msgs/727208.html