Posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 16:53:58 [reposted on April 24, 2006, at 12:14:53 | original URL]
In reply to Re: No problem..., posted by bassman on April 21, 2006, at 14:02:17
You don't need to apologize! That's part of what this place is about -- acceptance. Just that simple. I accept you, without any qualifiers.
> Just re-read your post-got even more out of it than the first time. You've got a great writing style; it's very entertaining and emotionally direct.
Thank you. It feels very good to hear that.
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> Wife comes home every day from work, fuming mad about the same things and rants about them-the first thing out of her mouth. The first question I have is, "why would anyone want to subject someone else to that?"-I'm not one who rants-more the short phrases or I'm just quiet, so I don't get the ranting. But more important-what can I do that would be useful and what should I avoid?
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Hm... This sounds a lot like my mother, who used to come home from work in the evening and just start ranting about -- well, really about anything and everything. A cousin of hers lived with her for a while, and said he would hear those footsteps that said it was one of Those Nights, and start dialing the telephone number for the public bus service so she could complain to them! (Cross my heart, that's what he said, and I think I believe he did just that.) That's one option...But more helpful for you, I think are the following two suggestions:
1. Tell her that it bothers you when she comes home and starts off with the negativity about her day; and ask her for what you want instead: I'd suggest asking for a hello, a hug, a kiss, some moment that the two of you can reconnect, before she goes into her pressure release.
2. I'm thinking that is a pressure release for her, and not much more. She sounds as though she gets over-stressed by her job, for whatever reason (my guess: if she refuses to examine her emotions and behaviors at home, the same is true at work), and the Nightly Negativity are her way of clearing her emotional buffers. She's just blowing off steam. It might be just as well to take it that way, and realize you don't actually have to listen to the content, only to validate her distress. Unless she's asking for help finding a solution, you don't have to offer any suggestions. Just wait for her to finish, say something like, "You sound so stressed by your day; I wish there was something I could do to help [if that's true]; and I'm glad you're home now [again, only if that's true]"
3. I thought of a third: ASK her what she's looking for when she does this. "Honey, you come home and blow off steam about your day so often, how would you like me to react? Are you just looking for sympathy? Would you like help trying to find a solution for the problems you complain about? Please let me know how I can help you when you do this, because I feel uncomfortable not knowing what to do for you, and it's hard for me to deal with it."
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> Do you have any advice on how to process the negativity so that I don't feel so stressed by it?
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Yeah -- but it's hard. Do your best to ignore it. You can try offering her a glass of wine when she comes home, or just taking her coat to hang up and giving her a kiss. You could try setting boundaries, like letting her have three sentences of her rant and then saying, "Stop! I know you may have more to say, but I can't listen anymore tonight." and change the subject to something neutral.Or, you could try turning it into a game where you don't have to take in the content: count how many times she repeats a complaint; count how many times she uses one of those phrases that she uses too often (my husband has one that offends the grammarian in my soul); try to anticipate the next complain topic; have another conversation with her in your head, and see if you can use your lines in that one out loud without her noticing. Just -- play. If you can do that, it really will diminish the power of the negativity.
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> It seems to me that the procrastinating is sort of of a form of control, at least that's the way it feels-maybe?
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Depends -- for me, most of my procrastinating is based on fear. I feel completely out of control when I am procrastinating. And I feel ashamed of myself, guilty, all sorts of horrible things. If she feels any of those, well, she has my sympathy and empathy.On the other hand, my husband tends to put off things that I've asked him to do, and he gets lost into his own obsessions instead of doing things he needs to do. Generally, he does get work done in time to meet deadlines for his employer, but even there he's a bit -- well, for instance, one of his old bosses told him he had to be at work by a certain time. That time was within the time he usually showed up at work, so it wasn't as though this was a huge imposition -- but after that, he wouldn't leave home before that time. He'd just mosey around, until he was going to be late. THAT is controlling behavior, and passive aggression.
My T and I are talking now about how to deal with this. It comes up a lot about our household chores, and I get overwhelmed and then give up. And when I say that I give up, it carries over to most of my life. My husband's failure to do something as trivial as vacuuming, when he's promised to do it, can send me into a very dark place, emotionally. I just curl up inside.
So, what has she suggested? She's suggested a couple of things: hiring a cleaning lady; tell him that it would help me if he would do [x], and ask him if he will -- and then trust him to follow through, none of the subtle, "Yeah, you say you will, but I will only believe it when I see it" attitudes; and just stop expecting that he will do anything at all, and make other arrangements.
That doesn't feel all that optimistic, does it? In my case, it's not just that my husband won't do anything to help clean up -- he will mess up something I've just spent the entire afternoon cleaning. To me, it's drattedly hard to believe that's unconscious, you know?
I think, really, that asking if she will do something, and lowering your expectations are probably the best options. "Honey, I have to clean up the backyard this weekend -- is there any part of it that you'd be willing to help with?" Or just saying to yourself, "Asking her for help with this is likely to lead to bad feelings on both sides -- is there an alternative such as hiring someone or calling a friend?"
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> What can be done to have her express whatever it is that is really bothering her (I just had the thought that maybe exactly what she is ranting about is IT-look no farther)-she is not a "what's bothering you, honey" person-she doesn't want to come into contact with that. I really appreciate your help-sorry my post is all over the map...Honestly? Whether or not she expresses anything that's bothering her underneath what she rants about is entirely up to her. That's something you have no control over, and I think your best bet is to disengage yourself from trying to fix that. It might be helpful for both of you for you to take whatever she says as being the whole story.
I have another thought, which I will post in a minute, but this is too long already, and I don't want it to get lost...
poster:Racer
thread:636483
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060220/msgs/636509.html