Posted by Daisym on April 23, 2006, at 1:56:22 [reposted on April 24, 2006, at 12:16:28 | original URL]
In reply to Thanks so much, Racer, others that offered help!, posted by bassman on April 21, 2006, at 17:33:13
I'm going to offer a slightly different perspective, if I may...
I've read this whole thread and I could have written almost everything you did, except I'm the wife. Long story short -- I left my husband this week. After almost 23 years of marriage -- 25 years together -- I couldn't take it anymore.
His negativity has stolen all of my happiness, and I lived in a constant state of dread at home. I'd hear him drive in at dinnertime and my stomach would clench. I endured at least an hour of ranting each evening, about work, about his health, about the traffic, about everything and anything it felt like. He has gradually lost most of his friends over the years, our kids avoid him mostly...well, I could go on but you get the picture.
The kicker? He was SHOCKED when I said I was moving out. SHOCKED. He said he had no idea I was so unhappy, no idea the his behavior was effecting me so badly. *sigh*
So...two pieces of advice. Try not to do back flips to avoid making her upset. You'll make yourself crazy. Just do what you know you need or want to do in a respectful way so that you maintain control of yourself and your life. The other thing is to set limits. Be honest and frank about how much YOU can take. Not what she can do -- what you are willing to listen to or put up with. Say something like, "Honey, I know you need to vent afterwork but too much of it upsets me a great deal. So,I'll listen for a little while and then I'm going to excuse myself and go read(or watch TV,etc.) If there is something really important to you, or something that really bugs you when it isn't done, do those things yourself. But don't do everything. Let go of the other things. I think sometimes we end up picking up so much slack, in order to avoid more bickering, that the other person is freed from all responsibility, and we get resentful. On the other hand, you can't MAKE a grownup do what they don't want to do. So draw your line in the sand, verbalize your line and hold it.
Good luck. I hope you work this out. Living under a black cloud is superhard.
poster:Daisym
thread:636483
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060220/msgs/636512.html