Posted by Tamar on December 30, 2005, at 13:22:39
In reply to Re: Missing her so much...Tamar/DeclanTamar, posted by wyatthaslakefever on December 29, 2005, at 19:05:55
> Ugh, I just got off the phone with her. She called. She still calls. And I was a moron and was my typical passive-agressive self and she got ticked off (and rightly so) so I just came clean and said I was mad and scr*wed up because... Because I'd fallen in love with her... and that i missed her... She's so bad with small tonal changes--like if my voice displays a hint of anger, she flips out, which is kind of awful because I know that each time I 'mess up' and "scold" her or whatever that it's another mark against me...
Gosh, it sounds like a difficult phone call. Does she never ‘mess up’ in any way? Most relationships I’ve been in have been pretty even in the messing up, displays of anger, hurtful comments and suchlike. But I hope she’s not keeping score, because a long term relationship or even a friendship can’t really tolerate that. It’s absolutely necessary to be able to forgive the other person and leave the past in the past, so if she finds it hard to forgive and forget you’d be in for a rough ride.
> But we left the conversation on good terms. I'm seeing her tommorrow. I still feel like a super j*rk though.
You’re not a j*rk. You’re sad and hurting. And I hope she can understand that; because she’s probably rather sad too. I hope you both enjoy your time together tomorrow.
> ANYWAY....
>
> > There’s always a chance it will end hurtfully. It’s the price we pay for being alive.
>
> That's what I always say. But I'd just die if I hurt her. I'd rather be the hurt one.That’s part of being in love, isn’t it? You can’t imagine hurting the other person – you’d rather take any kind of hurt than see the beloved hurt. And yet, somehow, eventually and inevitably, people do hurt each other in relationships. I guess we have to be able to trust our partners not to hurt us more than we can tolerate, and trust ourselves always to love our partners enough that we hold ourselves back before we hurt them too much. I don’t think we can avoid pain entirely, but we can take steps to avoid as much as possible.
> >But if you agree with her, then I guess there’s not much that can be done.
>
> I just... I don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't want to be the kind of uncertain that I was--not the trepidatious type of uncertain, the foreboding kind, the kind that... That made me think I was doing something I shouldn't be. Not because of age, nessisarily, just because of... I guess intuition.I wonder… You’re a woman, aren’t you? I remember the first time I made love with a woman I found it quite emotionally taxing. I kept feeling I shouldn’t be doing it. I talked to my lover about it and she pointed out that I’d grown up with a lot of conservative Christian influences that might cause me to feel that loving a woman was immoral. And I think she had a point. And if I remember your first post about all this, you put something in the subject line about homophobes not reading it, didn’t you? So maybe, even if you feel completely comfortable intellectually with being a woman who has sex with women, perhaps there are still a few emotional issues that bother you. Perhaps you worry that people might judge you, or if there is really something a little wrong about sex with a woman. I don’t know if I can help much with that except to say I personally don’t believe there’s anything wrong with it; it’s certainly not against nature (since many animals exhibit homosexual behaviour) and I found in my own experience that it felt more comfortable the more I did it.
If on the other hand it’s the prospect of a relationship with this particular person that your intuition tells you to avoid, then I think it’s a good idea to listen to your intuition. You might be somehow aware that she’s not a good match for you. But of course, I know nothing about the situation.
> But it STILL HURTS and I'm STILL CONFUSED AND MESSED UP ABOUT IT and DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY... Because if it's the right thing to do... Gah. I don't know.
Confusion is something that goes together with attraction and relationships. If only we could know for sure what the other person was thinking and feeling! Then things would be easier. And if only we could understand our own thoughts and feelings…
But maybe she’s a little confused too. And maybe there’s really no right or wrong about it… It just is.
> Thanks! Thanks so much. I really appreciate it. I hope I DO find a partner someday. I never thought I would...
I’m sure you will find a partner someday. Most people who want a partner find one.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:592644
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051204/msgs/593455.html