Posted by gardenergirl on November 17, 2005, at 8:18:47
In reply to Re: Hmm, realization today, posted by alexandra_k on November 15, 2005, at 22:02:37
Thanks, alex.
I talked to him about this. It was not pretty. He's got some very rigid ways of looking at the world. At behavior. Motivation. Etc.
It reminded me that he really doesn't "get" depression. It's all about motivation and will to him. Ha, if only. And toss in neurosis, and he's in way over his head.
Still, he pretty much said that this whole event was "my fault", since I didn't complete my D proposal, and thus did not "earn" a gift. We had a stupid agreement that I would get a certain anniversary gift if I got my proposal draft completed by that date. It was really a bad bad idea to do this. I thought it might motivate me, but I realize now that I was getting sucked into his view...that it was about motivation. It's really not.
But he started getting madder and madder that I wasn't doing it. Of course he never said anything. And in his rigid way, he could not see past that aspect to, oh, say the rest of our 10 years together, to feel moved to get me any kind of gift. You know, I didn't need the damned special gift. But having something that represents our 10 years together. Something that oh, say might last more than two weeks? That's important to me.
At the same time, I feel like a petty child for getting upset about this. But it's the meaning that gets me. Because of this stupid agreement, he can't see past it to reflect on what 10 years together means as a whole?
You know, I really enjoyed thinking about and getting him what I did. I was so excited to give it to him. It meant a great deal to me. I feel sad for him that he could not allow himself to have a similar feeling, and that he tells himself that it was "my fault". I've been a "bad girl."
Screw that.
We've got so much work ahead of us. And it's not easy. It's very painful. Good thing I love the blockhead. But I don't like him much right now.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:573235
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051031/msgs/579575.html