Posted by allisonross on November 18, 2005, at 10:26:52
In reply to Re: Hmm, realization today » alexandra_k, posted by gardenergirl on November 17, 2005, at 8:18:47
> Thanks, alex.
>
> I talked to him about this. It was not pretty. He's got some very rigid ways of looking at the world. At behavior. Motivation. Etc.My ex was rigid also; everything in black and white.
(that's why he is my ex, LOL---actually it was that pesky 31 years of abuse thing)
>
> It reminded me that he really doesn't "get" depression. It's all about motivation and will to him. Ha, if only. And toss in neurosis, and he's in way over his head.Has he gotten himself educated about it? And if so, does he just CHOOSE to believe what he wants to in light of hard facts?
We all construct our own versions of reality; too bad it is at your expense.
>
> Still, he pretty much said that this whole event was "my fault", since I didn't complete my D proposal, and thus did not "earn" a gift.I think I know this man; in my case, everything had STRINGS.
The words: "fault" and "earn" have no place between 2 adults; since when is he your parent?
We had a stupid agreement that I would get a certain anniversary gift if I got my proposal draft completed by that date. It was really a bad bad idea to do this. I thought it might motivate me, but I realize now that I was getting sucked into his view...that it was about motivation. It's really not.
What does an anniversary gift have to do with ANYthing else? You should get a gift to mark the occasion.
I of course, don't know the whole scenario, story, but it sounds like a parent trying to bribe a child.
>
> But he started getting madder and madder that I wasn't doing it. Of course he never said anything. And in his rigid way, he could not see past that aspect to, oh, say the rest of our 10 years together, to feel moved to get me any kind of gift. You know, I didn't need the damned special gift. But having something that represents our 10 years together. Something that oh, say might last more than two weeks? That's important to me.Yes, it was a normal----expectation!
>
> At the same time, I feel like a petty child for getting upset about this.Feelings are not right...or wrong....they just....are. They need to be honored, and payed attention to.
Tut it's the meaning that gets me. Because of this stupid agreement, he can't see past it to reflect on what 10 years together means as a whole?
I see CONTROL issue(s) here.
>
> You know, I really enjoyed thinking about and getting him what I did. I was so excited to give it to him. It meant a great deal to me. I feel sad for him that he could not allow himself to have a similar feeling, and that he tells himself that it was "my fault". I've been a "bad girl."This is a parent talking to a child thinking. I hear blaming and shaming. Punishment.
I hear: verbal abuse.
I could be wrong, because I am only reading words, but you might want to check out the book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
Since 1 out of every 3 women are being abused (i believe it is more like 2 out of every 3), and verbal abuse is rampant in our society, and goes mostly....unnoticed, recognized, nor dealt with....
.it's the last...best-kept secret in the Universe; no one sees it, or understands what is going on. I'm on my soapbox here, but I am passionate about this subject; I counsel abused women;
60-75 percent of women going to a therapist.....are there....because of verbal (emotional) abuse.
I believe this book should be required reading for everyone on the planet.
>
> Screw that.
>
> We've got so much work ahead of us.Are you in counseling, or do you mean, working on the stuff without a therapist?
And it's not easy. It's very painful. Good thing I love the blockhead. But I don't like him much right now.
>
> gg
Hugs, Ally
poster:allisonross
thread:573235
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051031/msgs/580009.html