Posted by allisonross on November 15, 2005, at 8:11:46 [reposted on November 16, 2005, at 21:54:18 | original URL]
In reply to Boundary setting dilemma--Help!, posted by gardenergirl on November 13, 2005, at 22:37:46
> Hey, gg: Okay, here's another issue on my mind.
>
> My sis is getting married in a few weeks. I'm really looking forward to this, and I want this day to be special for her.
>
> But...my uncle who gives (or rather takes) the creepy hugs is coming. I haven't seen him since this summer, when I finally figured out what was so creepy and intrusive about his hugs. First of all, he holds you tight and longer than is necessary. And...(ick!) he smushes your breasts against his chest and then kind of jiggles, so that your breasts jiggle against him. (Ick ick ick ick ick!)Disgusting! That's not a hug, that's belng molested, under the GUISE of a hug, eeeuuuww.!
>
> So, I've decided that I don't want to let him do that anymore. But...I don't have regular contact with him, so I haven't had an opportunity to act on this since this summer. And I don't want to make a scene at my sis's wedding.
>
> So, how do I go about protecting myself and setting this boundary?What I would do: Stay away from him, if you can. If he comes over to you, either hold your arm out straight to shake his hand, (thereby keeping space between you) or if he ignores that and tries to get closer to give you a hug, step back and simply say nothing, (that probably won't work: too subtle!!), or if you feel you need to say something:
Say, oh, no thanks (or I think I'm contagious, LOL, LOL)
In other words no one has a right to violate your boundaries, and you don't owe anyone any explanations for having them.>
People who violate boundaries .....Don't recognize them...in others. (There is a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud/excellent: I went to one of their seminars...fabulous!)
I believe in being authentic and up front in a polite/refined/classy way, if possible, but it has taken me a lifetime to get where I am, after a lifetime of abuse, and as my t said "you have boundaries all over the place!" So I guess my hard work, worked!
There's lots of good choices you mentioned. By saying something in the moment, do you mean if he does it, then say something? It's too late then. your boundaries have been violated. No one has a right to do that. Like I said, what I think I would do is avoid him if possible, if he comes over to you (repeating myself, LOL), hold your arm out straight to shake his hand
If he moves in, i would step back and say: "If you try to hug me I will yell----WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING MY BREASTS LIKE THAT?
Of course you wouldn't, but that might make him think. He doesn't want to be exposed or embarrased, but he gets away with his icky touching, because ---no one has called him on it.
> Do I say something in advance? (by email? by telephone? lol, ask my dad to say something?) Sayt something in the moment and risk a discussion or argument about it, (which likely will be either at the church or at the reception)? Do I just try some physical maneuver to try to deflect him (and if so, any suggestions)? Do I just try to avoid him at all costs? Have my hubby cling to me like a jealous hubby and interfere with any attempt to hug? Kick him in the XXXXX? ;)
>
> I've asked my hubby for advice, but I don't think he really *gets* it.Guys wouldn't.
I asked him what he would do if a woman relative pressed her groin against his when hugging, but he said he would just lean into the shoulders and keep space below.
Well, it would be too late (LOL) she would have already DONE IT!
That doesn't seem like a good option for me, given anatomical issues.
>
> Ack, this just is driving me batty!
>
> Help!!
>
> gg
poster:allisonross
thread:579450
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051031/msgs/579464.html