Posted by 64bowtie on August 24, 2005, at 4:18:57
In reply to How Do You Change Bad Behavior Towards You? » 64bowtie, posted by AdaGrace on August 23, 2005, at 16:39:58
> If you don't point out the hurt. Or don't allow it to hurt you, how do you stop it from happening in the future?
><<< » AdaGrace » I'm trying to answer this all blury-eyed at 1:30 in the morning, but!!! ... Point out the bad behavior, not the 'I hurt'... He can't feel your hurt when you do, so cut to the chase and don't tolerate the bad behavior... If he doesn't offer to make amends, put him in 'the pressure-cooker', put him in jeapardy... Make him feel uneasy until he decides the bad behavior has got to go or he will have to 'pay' for his sins!!! This only works if you trully love him... If your relationship is based on mutual approval because neither of you had healthy loving role models growing up, its much tougher... Said another way, if you only put up with his 'bull' and he only puts up with your 'bull', putting him into jeapardy will only confuse him and give him more reasons to act badly, since his 'bull' isnt being appreciated any more... Is this the type of relationship you have always dreamed about? I hope not...
> I feel I am at the crossroads of either totally emotionally closing up or boiling over the pot on the stove because my emotions cannot be contained.
><<< I hope you don't 'git all blowed-up'! I hope I can say something that can make a difference...
> I think what you are saying, and correct me if I am wrong, but I think you are saying that to not tollerate the bad behavior I would need to dissassociate myself from the person exibiting the bad behavior... Is that right???
><<< Put him in a jeapardy situation (without threats of violence or other coercion)... Let him know you aren't tolerating anymore bad behavior and that he has 'X' amount of time to clean up his mess and then clean up his act!!! If he asks how, tell him to surprize you!!! This forces him to get creative, or maybe, run-like-hell!!! Either way you get rid of the problem... And don't even entertain his t*t-for-tat accusing you of being just as bad as he is... Your conditions you're placing on him are not open for discussion!!! (anything less is no longer jeapardy)
> Double hockey sticks, I don't know. If I act the doormat, I am asking to be stepped on. If I forgive the stepper, I am inviting the behavior to return, and if I disclose my displeasure or hurt feelings, I have in essence created the power for them to return. So what the heck do I do? Kick his a$$ out? I am not to give forgiveness in hopes that by letting him know I am hurt, and yet forgiving him, am I not trying to compromise and hope he is in return????????
><<< I hope I answered this question already...
> Jesus, I have no clue.
>
> All I know is it all comes back around full circle. And seems to continue on forever.
><<< I keep harping on 'habits' as being the very nature of dysfunction... So, the 2 of you have developed a habit; each other!!! You are enmeshed in each others' 'bull'... The 'pop culture' term is codependent... You can keep each other by committing to hard-work, discovery, and divorcing the habit instead of the person... Get a minister or therapist to coach you on how this can be done...
Rod
poster:64bowtie
thread:543134
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050814/msgs/545964.html